<BR>Can someone tell me how to believe my wife now? Early in our marriage of 10+ years, she had 2 non-sexual affairs. She lied to me about both of them happening but I caught her through following her and recording phone messages. Now, for the past 7 years, our marriage has been trouble free, and we have a 19 month old son. A year ago we were transferred south of USA for a work assignment. There are two other couples here besides us. One being my boss. It is a unique situation and we have had to rely on each other to adjust. Cell phone calls to anyone was normal because not everyones phone operated that well, including mine. My wife developed a good relationship with my boss and his wife. A relationship with him that made me uncomfortable. I dont know if it was because he is my boss or because he is another man and we had not been close friends with other people since the last affair. Problem is, one day he left the office very early in the morning, she left the house about an hour later. She made a 1 minute cell phone call to him. I had a bad feeling and discussed it with her that night at home. She said she had not seen him that day and did not know he was not at the office. One month later, I checked her cell phone bill and saw the call that day, 30 minutes or so after she left the house. Plus I saw two more calls two days later. I immediately assumed she had lied and had been with him. There have been no other calls from her and never any from him to her--checked that one too. I have access to a computer program at work that allows me to monitor every call out by passwords and extensions. Never has he called her. I have recorded the phone calls at my house and never have caught anything. Only her telling her mother of our problems and how she did not know what to do to make me believe her. There have not been anymore strange disappearing days. I called her that day on her cell. She said she was shopping and went to buy milk for the baby. I know the milk part is true. We have had many discussions, both cried, yelled, begged for honesty, completed emotional needs questionairres, both gone to a counselor, our sex life increased by her, and she had done every little thing concerning avoiding him that I have asked. All she asks of me is to believe that she was not unfaithful to me that day. Says she can not change how things may have looked but was no where near him. Says she loves me and does not want anyone else. However, after 5 months of torture by me trying to break her, she is to the anger stage. Her response last night was, "I was not with that man, shut the f*** up and get over this. I am so tired of being accused and called a liar". My question is how to I believe? Should I believe? Why can I not stop thinking about it constantly? Dr. Harley refers to compulsive thinking and medications for that. I think I need them but don't know what and where. It is driving me and her crazy and our marriage in the ground. However, neither of us wants divorce and she says we can make it if I will let us. When I ask her if she is wanting me to accept this, she says she wants me to accept that she is not lying this time and to shut up about it. If she is telling the truth, she has been a heck of a woman to put of with me, but HOW DO I BELIEVE?<BR>LHC

How do you believe her? You make the conscious decision that you ARE going to believe her. It sounds like she is telling you the truth. If she told her mother that she didn't know how to get you to believe her, then I would think that she really is trying, and wants to have you believe her. <P>What my pastor told me is that "I have to believe my H and trust my H until he proves me otherwise". I have had a terrible time trusting him, and putting faith back into anything he says. Through prayer and long talks with God I'm learning how to trust my husband again.<P>Sorry I'm not of much help here, but it does sound to me like she's sincere. Don't do what I did 3 years ago when my H had an EA with a "friend". I was so uptight and accused him all the time of being with her, talking to her, etc. that he finally said to me "well if you're going to accuse me of having an affair, I might as well get some enjoyment out of it and do it". And he did.<P>

You have all the power here! There is nothing your W can do to MAKE you believe her. Sounds like she's done her part trying her best to be trustworthy and honest,she can't do much more than that.At one time in the early part of our (H and I)recovery, I was obsessed with wanting to hear H say how sorry he was over and over. I wanted him to always know how much pain I had gone through. I did not want him to forget. My counselor told me in no uncertain terms that I would ruin my marriage if I didn't let this go and let my H get past his mistake. No human being deserves to have their mistakes held over them, again and again. That will kill all the love for sure. It's especially not fair when someone is really trying and is truly sorry for what they have done.Trying to protect yourself from being hurt again is totally understandable but keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut Don't give the unpleasant past that power over your present and future. Good luck!

Trust is a choice, my friend, and sometimes you have to take that leap of faith.<P>My H had/has had/is having (I'm not sure which) a too-close friendship and maybe more with his former boss. I snooped and found nothing. I Plan A-ed and things got better.<P>We now have something else complicating things, and I fear he is going to look elsewhere.<P>But I can't live in fear. I have to trust until something happens to show otherwise.<P>Let it go for now. Be vigilant, but CHOOSE to trust. Unwarranted suspicion is a HUGE lovebuster.

I must agree with the other posters here. Once you have been betrayed, trust and forgiveness are two things that you must choose to do to repair the relationship. My husband had an affair that almost destroyed our marriage. We both wanted to save our relationship, but were getting nowhere even though we were following Dr. Harley's principles.<P>After reading several books and many of the posts on this site, I came to realize that my lack of forgiveness was standing in our way. So I made a concious choice to forgive my husband.<P>I cannot say that I trust him 100% again, that will take time. But I did come to realize that I cannot control his behavior, nor can I watch him and check up on him 24/7. I also know that if he lies to me or cheats again, I will eventually find out anyway. He knows this too. So I also made the decision to live my life as if I do trust him, and to continue to do so until I have a very specific reason not to trust him again. It wasn't easy at first, but the rewards are worth it.<P>One thing I am sure of is that if I had continued the way I was acting at first, our marriage would have failed. If you continue to act the way you are to your wife, you will drive her away and destroy the relationship.<P>My advice is to make the choice to forgive your wife for her past mistakes, and to treat her with trust and respect unless she gives you a reason not to.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

My dear friends,<BR>Just reading your replies feels like a thousand pound weight has been pulled off my chest. Must say that tears are in my eyes. I am not to proud to say that I am a very emotional driven man who can cry with the best of them. I have not even been able to do that well lately, though that is all I wanted to do. My wife is 2000 miles away from me right now taking a break from my torture. She deserves it. Her next to last words on the phone last night were that all she wanted when she returned this Sunday was for me to stop accusing her and let it go. Her last 3 words made my day.<BR>Thanks again, look forward to many more discussions with you great people.<BR>LHC