To re-cap my scenario:<P>I am the betrayer.<BR>I had an online EA for six months that culminated in a PA over one weekend.<BR>I ended the affair via letter.<BR>No one knows about affair except for me, OM, God and my counselor.<BR>I haven't seen, heard from, or tried to contact this other man since I ended the affair almost a year ago.<P>My question:<P>Should I reveal this affair to my husband? Why or why not? <P>Honestly, I've struggled with revealing the affair to my husband because Ive already confessed the affair to God. I feel that God has forgiven me. So, why can't I start from the point at which God forgave me and move from there? Why do some feel that it's absolutely necessary to reveal the affair and devastate another person regardless of the circumstances surrounding the affair? Why would I want to STAB my husband with that information? I'm just sharing my thoughts...<P>I would love to hear what you guys think about this...<P>Yes, I'm aware of the "total honesty policy" of MB.<P>Thank you for your help...thanks for reading my rambling questions...I'm just really searching for answers right now.<P>Jill

Hello Jill,<P>Most people here are going to tell you to tell your H in order to completely heal your marriage. <P>I am a betrayer also, who hasn't told my H yet. I don't know that I ever will. There are many circumstances that prevent me from doing so. <P>I have to deal with the fact that I may be found out by him and then I will certainly be in a mess. But... in my case.. it is a chance I have to take right now. <P>I am not going to tell you yes or no. You will get advice from people here and reasons to reveal the affair. Maybe some reasons not to.... <P>By reading your other post... I can understand why you don't want to tell him. <P>All I can do is wish you the best.... and hope that things work out for you the best they can....

Okay, another betrayer here.<BR>I did confess my affair.<P>But, you have completed the steps to move on:<BR>You ended the affair, and have gone through withdrawal. You have gone to counseling and are set with God. <P>I understand your feelings in not telling, and only you know your spouse. When we went to retrouvialle (sp) we learned that confession is not to make your self feel better. Why would you be telling? I do understand the feeling of it "hanging over your head" and being dishonest. but I can also understand your feelings of not wanting to tell.<BR>What does your counselor suggest. <P><BR>I also can't tell you what to do, but think you are so much farther along then many cases here in that you have ended the affair/ done withdrawal and have gotten counseling to help you though it.<P>If it were me, based on your other post, I would move on with your relationship using the concepts of his needs her needs. <P>Sometimes I think confessing may do more harm then good, esp if you have dealt with your own problems.<P>Cat

Hi Jill,<BR>I confessed too, for what I thought were all the right reasons. Fact is, my ex-H and I had a hard time communicating honestly in alot of areas. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have confessed. I did the same things you did and my affair also was extremely brief and I had very quickly ended contact. <P>Since the main goal here is to maintain marriages, you decide what you need to do to accomplish that. If you think being honest will have a greater chance of saving your marriage, then confess. Otherwise, make peace with yourself and make sure you do not cheat again. Telling your H will solve nothing, IMO. You don't need him to "hold you accountable". You apparently have done that already. I would, however, make changes in your marriage to make sure you are not in a position to have an inappropriate relationship in the future. <P>Total honesty is the ideal solution in an ideal world. It doesn't always save marriages, and Harley or anyone else who is still married, will never be able to tell me that divorce was "for the best" or that if you can't have "total honesty" then the marriage isn't worth saving anyway. You decide what you can live with, and that is it.

I won't tell you what to do either, but I honestly believe telling your H at this point could be a big mistake. There are those who may disagree with me, but that's my opinion. If you feel you've moved past this, then why are you questioning this now? Maybe some soul-searching on your part will help you discover why this is coming up in your psyche right now. I would also be interested in what your counselor has to say. I think at this point, if you feel like you have a good marriage, but want to improve it, I would follow some (if not all) of the techniques listed in this website. There are some wonderful things to do that I wish I had known about before it was too late for my marriage. Best of luck to you. Only you can decide what's best for you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi Jill,<P>I'm a betrayer and confessed also, for all the right reasons... <P>I've written extensively on this subject (just ask Lacee), and I have come to believe that telling is counter-productive to healing in many cases. I didn't struggle with the telling, but you are. There's a reason for that, and I think it's a good idea to listen to your inner voices that say it isn't safe to do it, at least not right now.<P>In my case, it only added fuel to the fire, and my H eventually (nine months later) cheated with a woman from his church - a revenge affair, although he'll tell you it was because he was hurting and so was she... point is, would he have cheated if I hadn't? Nope, don't think so. <P>Amazingly enough, you haven't heard from the old-timers who espouse TOTAL HONESTY... where are they? Hang tight, I'm sure they'll be by, and they have some pretty strong reasons for telling... but if I were you, I'd make sure you weren't in any danger by doing so, and if you decide to tell, do it in a safe place like a counselor's office...<P>I'll be watching your posts... let us know what you decide!<P>~Sheryl

Hi, Everyone!<P>I feel so grateful for the responses that are being posted about whether or not I should reveal my over-and-done-with-affair.<P>I'm searching/questioning right now because this is the first time that I've been able to share all that's been bottled up inside of me for the past year. It's the first time I've been able to "think out loud" without being afraid.<P>I have an MB counselor that I'm speaking with by telephone. My counselor is definitely advocating the total honesty approach. I was in tears by the time I got off of the phone with the counselor the other day. My counselor is advising me to have a plan for telling, a place to go once I tell, and to realize that if my husband doesn't want to work on the marriage, that my marriage could be over at the very moment that I tell. I do know my husband well enough to know that he would never tolerate infidelity for my sake or for anyone else's sake. In other words, he'd ask me to leave and that would be that -- no matter how much he loves me. I know that it's naive on my part to try to second guess how my husband would feel or what he would say...but, in my heart, I KNOW.<P>What is my "gut" telling me? My gut is telling me to not make things more painful than they already are. Right now, I've only ruined my life and the life of the OM. If I told, I'd be ruining my life even more than it is already ruined (that's almost unimaginable). I'd be devastating my husband and ruining his life and his ability to love and trust me (or anyone else) forever. I love my husband enough to know that I don't want to look into his eyes and see the darkness and pain and despair...I already see that in my own eyes. I don't want to look into his eyes and know that I am responsible for the inconsolable ACHE in his soul. I'm already tortured beyond belief (yep...I know I deserve it). Why torture everyone else? <P>No, my marriage isn't perfect...it won't ever be. But, I'm willing to do my part to make sure that I NEVER cheat again. I have already taken so many precautions that it's almost funny. I'm willing to do my part to make sure that I learn to begin to meet my husband's needs, as well. And, I know that my husband is at least halfway concerned about what I need...I saw the "His Needs/Her Needs" book on his nightstand. See? He IS a good man! I will regret what I did to him until the day that I die.<P>Please know how much I appreciate how you are all so willing to share your thoughts with me...please know how much it helps me to be able to sort through all of this stuff...<P>Love,<P>Jill<P>

I know what you mean about an H that could just not deal with that disclosure. Mine has said that if I did to him what he has done to me (EA) that he honestly doesn't think he could get past it.I believe he would not be able to handle it. Trust your instincts. There is no reason to destroy your marriage with this disclosure. You've done good in dealing with it on your own. My opinion,don't tell.

Jill...<P>I've got a question...<BR>You say you've ruined your life and the life of the OM. Do you really believe that after a year of the affair being over? Do you really feel that you ruined your life forever? <P>I think that you are back on track with moving on and making your marriage "affair-proof". I would hate to think that after a year of ending an affair that you are "ruined" forever. I know I don't want to have those thoughts a year down the road.

Jill,<P>I just came back on today to see how some people are doing and I saw your post. I've not been in your H's situation or yours so please take what I have to say in that light.<P>From my reading of the Harley material and reading on this site for almost a year (it can become addictive, believe me ), the honesty issue is about what it will do to your marriage not to be honest. You have heard from TheStudent, someone I have corresponded with via this forum for quite awhile and like alot. She is the worst case senario, for telling the truth. However, she will sometimes admit that her marriage wasn't the best and was already headed for trouble. <P>You have heard from betrayed who tell you that it was the worst thing that has ever happened to them, but they will admit they are glad they found out. There are a few exceptions, but only a very few, who say they wish they never knew.<P>Now the honesty issue has as much to do with you; actually more than with your H. First let me be blunt ( I don't mean to offend you but here goes), your husband cannot trust you now, he just doesn't know it. So trust is an issue already. You are lying to him by omission. <P> Second, if this affair eats you up inside, what are you going to be able to give your husband? If you cannot figure out why you had the affair, you are very likely to have another. You have already heard from one member of this board whose W is doing this to him. <P>If you do figure out why you had the affair, you are likely to realize that your H has played a role in this state of affairs (no pun intended). You see the affair was entirely your fault, but the marriage situation is both of your business. How can he fix things that he does not understand or isn't aware of? How can you get the marriage you need to be a faithful W? <P>You ask some very good questions. He doesn't know and therefore isn't suffering. You are right. Is it fair of me to inflict so much pain, if the affair is over and he could do nothing to change the situation? My answer: no it isn't fair, but neither was the affair. Will he still want to be married to me, if he finds out? <B>I haven't a clue </B>. But many betrayers on this board are surprised that their spouses do still want them.<P>You have already stated in one of your posts that you have been angry and short with him while in the affair. You don't think this didn't hurt him? He did not go out and buy His Needs/Her Needs because he wanted some light reading. This thing has affected your marriage already and it doesn't appear to be in a positive way.<P>So Jill, I am not recommending that you tell your H if you can be sure that your guilt, lack of self-esteem, and the dishonesty of this will not eat out your insides. For if it eats out your emotions and your self-esteem, and feelings, what can you give your H? If you cannot give him what is inside of you, then this marriage will have considerable difficulties. <P>You have said that God has forgiven you, I believe that is true, but you have not forgiven yourself. Even if you confess to your H, you will have great difficulty forgiving yourself. But here, in my view, is where the honesty thing comes up. Can you live with yourself and fix your marriage keeping this secret? If you think you can, then not telling might be the way to go, but if he finds out much later: it will kill him for your marriage will be a lie for all of these years. Read SweetPea's threads to see how she feels. <P>On the good side you ended the affair and apparently have no feeling for the OM. You apparently do love your H. Your H obviously knows something is wrong or wouldn't have bought the book. Maybe you can do the His Needs/Her Needs survey and start talking about your marriage and make it better so that you are not ever tempted to have another affair. <P>You see you had the affair for a reason. It needs to be address by the both of you. You will need to be able to give love and feelings to your H. You will need to be a partner and friend to him and he to you. <P>Can you do this with the secret that you have? Can keep from being depressed by all of this? Can you feel good about yourself? If you can, then not telling may not hurt your H, your marriage, and you. But if any of these answers is no, then you are going to pay a hugh price and ultimately so will your H. <P>You see marriage binds the two of you. As you probably realize now, whether your H knows or not, he has a damaged W and that hurts him. You cannot help hurting him with what you did. The only point of discussion is which path will damage the marriage and your H more over the period of your marriage. Not just now, but over the long pull.<P>Jill, I hope I haven't rambled too long on this. I also hope that I have given you something useful to think about. Only you can make this decision, and it is a very hard decision no matter which way you go. People here will support you no matter which way you choose.<P>God Bless You and Your H<P>JL

I just wanted to add comments from my point of view and after reading much of the MB guidelines as well as much other reading I have done. <BR>I suspected my W had an affair 17 years ago (or thereabouts) and she denied it. I did nothing to prove it one way or the other, and then I just denied that it could happen and continued doing everything positive for my W. Now that I am in the throes of a divorce and have heard from a couple of her friends that she did have an affair, I wish she had confessed back then so we could have worked on our marriage and improved the communications and other areas which needed work, or we could have separated while we were both young and healthy. To find out at this late date that it actually happened is devastating and puts the final nail into the coffin on having a chance to ever get back together. I can no longer trust her, and the pain is too much to bear. <BR>I guess I agree with the total honesty concept and if in doing so ends a marriage, it is better to have it end in that manner at that time, than to have the truth come out later and the attendant problems that creates. <BR>But, good luck whichever route you choose and don't beat yourself up too much. We are human and we all make mistakes. <BR>God bless.

Jill,<P>I will tell you what to do, but really, you are going to do what you want to do. You will find reasons on both sides of the issue. And whatever you decide, you will justify your decision. But there always is another side and maybe if you just would consider that, it would help in this decision. I would tell you to confess, doesn't the bible say something about confessing our sins to one another. I don't mean to throw the bible at you, but if you are a Christian, it is your guidebook. Don't we teach our children to consider what Jesus would do? Or what would God want us to do? I have to say, my H confessed to me and my first reaction was relief, you see I knew something was amiss. I went through hell, and all kinds of unecessary BS because he tried to keep it in. Unfortunatly it shows, one way or another. I feel in my opinion, you are still being unfaithful to him by not giving him the truth. He is at a major disadvantage, he doesn't know what to work on, it's just so unfair to him. I can honestly say that this is the most painful thing in my emotional life thus far, but I feel it would have been CRUEL for him to live on 50 years in a lie, and lets face it, it is a lie. Everyday you portray a loyal devoted wife, even if it is true for today, it doesn't change the fact that your covenant is broken, and he doesn't even know it. In Private Lies, it says to confess, tell the whole truth, and lay yourself at the mercey of your spouse. Another thing to think about is, how would you feel if the situation were reversed. Wouldn't you feel you deserve to know, that you were cheated on and then further cheated by him keeping the "secret".<P>I don't mean to offend you, but you did ask and this is the way I see it. If you decide to reveal this, then you need to be patient and understanding as it takes time to absorb, but if you stress your sorrow and repentance, maybe in time he will give it a chance. It sure made the difference for me. I also read somewhere that divorce is very rare when the affair is in the past. I don't know how true it is, but it is a major fact I keep in my mind, this was the past. I can't change that and neither can your h , but the only honorable thing left for my h to do was to confess. I know the guilt ate at him, I lived through that, but didn't know what the real problem was. In my case, he did the right thing, I am glad I know. That truly was the only thing left for him to do that was honorable.<P>I also know that you said you are taking all the steps to assure this won't happen again, but are you really. The only real way is to reveal it and deal with it. It will prevent you from ever wanting to do it again. I ask my h if one of the reasons he didn't tell me was because he may have wanted to do it again in the future. And he answered yes, by h telling me, it puts me in the know, he is now accountable to me, along with God and himself. It's more of an assurance because now I have the radar on.<P>I also am living proof that what you don't know won't hurt you is a lie. The whole time I was hurting, thinking it was me, the kids, his job, his family, whatever. That hurt alot. I'm sure you heard from some people that were betrayed that it wasn't so much the cheating as it was the lying. <P>I hope all goes well for you, please give it alot of thought and think, if you really know your h like you say you do, do you think he would rather know, or be kept in the dark?<P>Good luck, keep us posted on your progress.