I was searching for something in the archives and happened upon this old post of mine. It's a few months later and things are going incredibly well. (I pray alot). <P>I thought perhaps some newbies might need to read this post, especially if clinging and begging are common...<P>BTW, you'll need to read "Love Must Be Tough" (James Dobson) and "Surviving an Affair" (Harley) for the post to make the most sense.<P>originally posted December 02, 1999 02:59 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I have read practically every book I've ever seen or heard about on marriage and marital problems with either a Christian viewpoint or a recommendation from a reliable source.<P>I actually found myself using Plan A and Love Must Be Tough at the same time, during his affair, but before I knew for sure.<P>Let me explain. When I found myself becoming clingy, I struggled to back off. I wasn't very good at giving him space. <P>The less available he was to me (travelling for business, not calling me back from work, 'working' overtime (translate boinking her), the more I called, pursued, etc. We were technically not separated, but he was out of town three days a week on business and working 7 am - 9PM when he was in town.<P>I found that when I <P>a) met his needs as best I could when he was home (Dr. Harley) <P>and b) communicated clearly that I wanted and deserved better treatment (Dr. Dobson)<P>and c) that he was free to stay or leave (both Drs.) <P>but he needed to 'decide to ride foot or horseback' (corny old New England saying) and let me know which as soon as possible, because I had a life to live.<P>So, it may seem schizophrenic, but I did use both books, to a certain degree, at the same time.<P>The main concept that I found them to have in common is you must respect your spouse's right to stay or go, and INSIST that you be treated with respect whatever their choice is. How can they love you if you don't have respect for yourself? Why would they if you think you aren't worthwhile?<P>The opening of the cage door illustration still helps me everyday. Whenever I sense that I am becoming clingy or my h. is feeling trapped, I lighten up and remind him that we choose to be married each day. It isn't a prison sentence. He used to feel that he was trapped by the choice made by a dumb 21 year old (him).<P>I highly recommend some books that have not been mentioned here recently. They are available at <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com." TARGET=_blank>www.midlife.com.</A> This is the Midlife Dimensions web site. <P>The following books by Jim and Sally Conway are great:<P>When a Mate Wants Out<BR>Your Husband's Midlife Crisis<BR>Moving on After He Moves Out (or she)<BR>Men in Midlife Crisis<P>all are available on the site and most are paperback and easily affordable.<P>BTW, I certainly don't think we've 'arrived' or are even headed for certain lifelong bliss...but right now--it looks REAL promising!<P>Blessings, Liz\POGP<P>------------------<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Personally I think you are right. Although I don't think my own H intended to leave our marriage, I think the combination of Plan A, knowing that he was free to leave and that I definetly had my limits...helped recovery. <P>Of course this was my situation, each is unique, although there seems to be many universal truths about affairs.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I'm still in the I'm so scared he'll actually leave state, pray for me, I want my husband back completely, but the doubts and fears keep creeping in, I keep letting satan ell me what if he's lying and he's still seeing or emailing her, Valetine's day was so tough, the kids and I bought hima white rose and he didn't even look at it, should I contnue to tell him I love him everyday and should I ask for my hug as he leaves for work? I'm so confused today pray for me

Regina<BR>I know where you're at. I've been there myself. Please know that we, I, am praying for you and share your pain(sounds corny but it's true). Sometimes I don't feel like it's worth all this pain we're going through, but we must have faith to go through the fire to come out better at the other end. I'll be thinking of you...