I have been putting a lot of thought into what I need to do next.<P>I have finally come to the realization that with my plan A I am allowing my H to have his cake and eat it too. This is never going to end unless I end it. <P>His words have been wonderful to hear. He loves me, misses me.Yada Yada Yada. <P>I now have his past months cell phone detailed bill. He spent almost 600 minutes talking to her last month on his cell phone, and they live together! Me, I got just over 200 minutes of his cell phone time. Does this sound like a man trying to end things with his OW? I think not.<P>It really concerns me that he would talk to me for X amount of minutes and as soon as we hung up, he'd call her! And visa versa. This to me is sick. What is the deal with this? Is he that needy, that he has to do back to back conversations with his Wife and the OW? This is looking more like a perversion than an addiction to me.<P>But what REALLY upset me was I have been keeping track of what days we have been intimate (it has been once a week for the past 6 weeks). On those days he will spend 30 minutes or more talking to her! Now this really turns my stomache. He sleeps with me and then chats with her the rest of the day? There was one day when he called her right before he arrived here and we were intimate. I feel so dirty and used.<P>Also he told me after he spent a very long day working at our daughters cheerleading event that she was so ticked off at him they had gotten into a big fight and he told her to to butt out of his bussines. Well his cell phone details him calling her 4 times the next day and talking to her for close to 40 minutes the day after they had this so called big blow out. It looks more like he was groveling at her feet than he was mad at her.<P>He also told me on 2/13 they *used* to talk a lot on the cell phone but that has stopped. Uh huh, sure. The week of 2/13 they talked about 200 minutes to each other. So I guess I just add this statemnet to the long list of other lies he's been telling me.<P>I have to admitt it to myself now. I believe EVERYTHING he is telling me is lies. It looks and feels like he is stringing me along. He wants us both. Well I have a news flash for him. IT ENDS NOW.<P>I know everyone has to decide how long they will put up with their spouses continued betrayals. For me the cake was frosted today.<P>I have composed a letter to read to him this Sunday when he gets here. I won't give it to him to read himself because of three reasons 1) he won't read it <BR>2) I am very careful about what I put in writting because it can sometimes come back to bite you in the behind.<BR>3) I don't want anyone else (read the OW) to see it<P>It isn't a plan B letter. It is an *it's over letter*. Plan B will not work for us, because my moving on with out him entails me moving 2000 miles away. There is no plan B for us he. Either he came around on plan A or it's over. It is written with love and focuses on me and our children. It does not accuse him or belittle him in any way. <P>I just can't or won't do this any longer.<P>As I tell him in the letter "I am no longer living. I am just dying a slow painful death each and every day of my life. Life is for living and I need to start living again. So it is time for me to move on as you have done."<P>I also told him the following, " I will bow out gracefully. It's like the two women who insisted they were each the true and only mother of one baby. They each grabbed an arm of the baby and began to tug. The real mother of the baby let go and let the other woman have her child because she loved her child too much to see it ripped in two. You see H, I love you that much. So much I will live with the emptiness in my heart rather than see you ripped in two."<P>So there you have it friends. Sad but true.<P>I guess deep in my heart I wish his hearing what I am going to tell him would send him running to her house to collect his belongings and run back into my waiting arms and heart. But alas, I know that is not to be.<P>I'd post the letter in its entirity but I doubt anyone wants to read it.<P> Oh well, I'll let you all know how he reacts to it after I read it to him on Sunday.<P>Light a candle, say a prayer, or shed a tear for my marriage if you can or are so inclined.<P>I've tried everything thing I know to try to make him mine and I think I'm gonna miss him for a long long time. (Linda Ronstead)<P>Fingers Crossed

Fingers Crossed,<P>I understand, I relate to what you are going through. You are right about the making up your own time line. I am right with you. My H came home last Sunday and begged to come home stating he would do anything. So I told him what I needed (so there was no misunderstanding or not knowing) what it was going to take. He actually got another job so he will not be around her. But he hasn't changed the cell phone number, he hasn't made a counseling appt, she is still in his palm pilot, e-mail, I suspect cell phone and quite frankly I know we have to take babysteps, but he put all this effort into getting a new job, but we all know if he wants to talk to her, he has the means. And I have decided on my own time line. If he hasn't deleted her name from everywhere, doesn't make a counseling appt. then forget it. I can't keep trying to fix something he truly isn't willing to fix. Even if it hurts. I am sorry for you that you are there. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

(((((((((((fingerscrossed))))))))))<P><BR>I want to read your letter....<P>I also understand the analogy about Solomon and the baby....<P>I too, told my H that if he truly wanted to be with the OW...to go...I would prefer to see him happy with someone else than miserable with me....<P>As I have said already this morning to 2 others, only you know what is right for you and your situation....<P>continuing lies and deception are never easy to deal with..especially when you love him so very much and want more than anything else to make things work...but I do also understand that at some point, your level of self-respect must be maintained and you have to save your soul.....<P>take care of you....<P>Dylan<P>

cpickel<P>I wish you better luck than I have had with trying to end the deception. Your right sometimes love is just not enough. Sad isn't it.<P>souless<P>Thanks for asking to read my letter. I'll post it later today. I'd really like your opinion (as well as others) on how it sounds. And thanks for your support. Your right, I do feel as if I am loosing my soul. But I felt your cyber hugs and they do make me feel better. <P>Fingers Crossed

I really don't have much to say but that, I UNDERSTAND. I too have recently chosen the path to call it quits. I don't know if this feeling will last, but at this moment I feel a whole lot better than the continuous hurt and disappointments. We are on seperate sides of the fence, but as a betrayer, I did everything I could to save marriage just as you. I just was no longer good enough. My prayers and heart go out to you. I'm trying to find peace and whatever happens from here, just happens. <P>Stay encouraged, be strong, and take care of yourself.....<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Dear F,<BR>I totally relate to everything you have said,I too am in the exact situation as you are, with a man who is shifting gears between two women.Each day I battle with the decision to present him with ultimatums,to demand a choice between our marriage or his freedom to have her.Yet as you said I know this no easy feat.Men hate to be cornered, and I although I feel my husband does not want to lose me,he is still in the midst of la la land.How long have you been in plan A?In my case Discovery was last October. My mind says give it more time,but my heart is bursting with pain and frustration as I see him switching modes between us.I also view it as a silent battle with an adversary I do not know (OW).I am betting on the hope that she'll give in first and that SHE will ask him to make the choice,that she will corner him ,she will present him with the ultimatum.I feel that is when he will run away, as he has no intention of leaving me.(That is the one and only thing I am sure of ....for now at least).How much more can she endure?I completely understand your Solomon analogy,I understand your feelings of anger,broken pride,frustration as he "has the best of two worlds".Just remember,he is not.It is a triangle of hell for all concerned and there is no place for 3 in a marriage for long.

((((((((((((((((((Fingers Crossed ))))))))))))))))<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>It really concerns me that he would talk to me for X amount of minutes and as soon as we hung up, he'd call her! And visa versa. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My H did this too. He would call me and talk for 1 or 2 minutes, always starting the conversation with "I'll keep this short cause we can't afford to pay a big phone bill". When the phone bill came in there would be several calls to OW for 1 or 2 HOURS each! <P>Talk about hypocritical!! <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Is he that needy, that he has to do back to back conversations with his Wife and the OW? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, I believe the men that act this way are that needy. I haven't yet decided if the needyness is <P>1. addiction<P>2. low self esteem <P>3. thrill seeking<P>4. delusional <P>There must be something lacking in there moral developement. Sure do wish somebody would invent a pill to cure that! <P>Keep us updated. I'll be thinking and praying for you.<P>Keo<BR>

Jamie-lee:<P>It doesn't matter what side of the fence we are each on it hurts as much for either when a marriage ends.<P>Thanks for your well wishes, they are returned to you by me twofold. <P>nabilqad:<P>Thanks for the hugs and kindness I can use all I can get right now. <P>I agree the one who issues the ultimaium will loose. That is why I choose to be the good guy in this one. His last memories of me will be of kindness and love. So he can go to sleep each and every night for the rest of his life knowing what he gave up. I bet his nightmares will be epic.<P>My initial discovery was in July 1997 when he moved in with the OW. He did come back to me in July of 1998 for one year. I rediscovered he was still involved with her spring of 99. He moved back in with her July of 99.His affair with the OW has been going on for over 10 years. So I have been living this nightmare for almost 3 years now. It's time for me to wake up, I guess.<P>A agree he is in pain. The triangle he has created may be more painful for him than for either the OW or me. I just know I can't continue. Someone has to end this madness, so it will be me.<P><BR>keosha<P>Boy did you say a mouthful when you said he must be morally underdeveloped!<P>He comes from a family that is morally deficent.<P>He has a nephew that is divoring his W and has been living with his OW for 3 years now. They are now engaged, even though he still is not divorced from his 10 yr old daughter's mother.<P>Then there is his 36 yr old niece that has 4 children by 3 different men. She is now married for a 3rd time to a man 7 years older than he eldest son and is expecting child #5 next month. This will be her 1st child concieved in wedlock to the man she is actually married to. Oh, and I should mention she aborted a baby between children 2 and 3, as it was a result of a one night stand.<P>Then there is his 32 yr old niece. She has a child by a MM. Of course the MM has nothing to do with her or the child. <P>H's sister the mother of these pieces of work encouraged the one who was sleeping with the MM to get pregnant so the MM would leave his W for her. Threw extravagant weddings ( 3 of them and she wore white at each of them)for the one with her 5th one on the way. And she not only has encouraged her son to live with his mistress she threw them an engagement party on his stbx's birthday last month. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that H's family tried to tell my children they need to accept OW in their lives because their dad has a right to his happiness. Although it turned my stomache when I heard that.<P>I wish I would have know all of this before I married my H. I probably would have thought twice. Jerry Springer could do a marathon on these people. And to meet them you would think they are normal upper middle class folks.<P>I'm so sorry you have had to put up with the phone call hurt. It sure does suck, just like the rest of the cr*p we have to swallow.<P>I will post my letter to my H after I get back from seeing my 97 yr old grandmother that entered a rehab today to recover from breaking her leg.<P>Thanks to you too for the hugs and kindeness.<P>Fingers Crossed

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{FC}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>I'm sorry you don't think that Plan B will work. I'll write you as soon as I can, okay?<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>