Here I am. I have been reading everyone's post for several weeks now without responding. I can not believe how much of me and my feelings are in all these posts.<P>I love my H as everyone does.. That is why we are all here I guess. But sometimes, I feel like that I can not keep taking steps forward.<P>I needd him to be honest with me. Which my gut tells me he's not. Any question I give he either does not remember "because it really was not that important to him" or that he just does not know why. He tells me the more I ask the more I drive him away. He says that that fact is that he cheated and what more do I really need to know.<P>That is true, knowing more is not going to change that fact. But I guess i want to understand how he can totally disregard my feelings if it really was nothing.<P>I would like to know how something that was nothing was soo much more important than our family.<P>I guess I feel that there was more and I wish that more was with me. I wish I could be whatever nothing was to him. <P>I love him and i really want him to be happy. If he is happier with her then I would not stop him. I would be very sad for myself and my kids but at least I would know where I stood.<P>I want to trust in us again but I am so angry that I just don't know if I can. The lies he told. He sat in the marriage counselor's office and lied to him. He begged me to let him stay. He had to be with me. He did not want to miss out on the baby's birth. (i was pregnant w/ my 4th when I first found out) He made feel so guilty for wanting him to figure thingsout. He also did not want me to tell his family or anyone (we could work this out) I respected his feelings and for what.<P>Little did I know he was doing it behind my back. Making promises to me telling me how much he love me and sneaking off to see her.2 weeks after the baby was born he took her to lunch to our special place.<P>I know I am just rambling but am I crazy?<P>I

sierra3,<P>No, you're not crazy. Not any more than the rest of us. You will find compassion and caring here on this forum. As everyone says, take those baby steps. It's not always easy.<P>I don't have much to say to you but just wanted to respond so that you know I care.<P>I would like my H to be honest with me too. He can't; I guess because of all of his guilt about what he continues to do, I don't know what other reason I could give for his non-truths.