I have been having a difficult time trusting my wife lately. Her attitude to me has been pretty cold lately. Found out she saw, (no contact that she'll admit to) the other man within the past week or so at work. This week is the one year aniversary of when her affair kicked off. I went through committing to trusting her two times last year and each time was rewarding by finding out my wife went back to the other man again. In December she let me know it was over again, I didn't know it had started up again. So needless to say, I have been very scared this week that she might be seeing him again. When I told her about this she told me I was being irrational for feeling this way. She told me she couldn't commit to the marriage, but could commit to fidelity or she would move out. She doesn't admit to going back to him (not sure why she would admit it), but her attitude and actions are making me nervouse again. She was late coming back from school tonight and I was leaving to drive to the other mans house to see if she was their, when I saw her driving home. She claims that she wasn't really late and claimed the roads were bad. <P>Anyway, I'm not sure I want to go through all this again. If anybody has some suggestions for how to gain trust in my wife again or helping me decide to trust her again, I would appreciate hearing them.<P>Tim

Hi, Tim.<P>My name is Jill. I am a betrayer. I betrayed my husband of seven years (I posted "my story" in the recovery section yesterday...you can read my history if you'd like...it might help you understand why I'm saying what I'm saying to you now).<P>How can you trust your wife again? I don't know. If I were the betrayed one, I don't think that I would ever believe anything that my husband told me. I haven't revealed my affair to my husband yet (still struggling with that). But, if I had already revealed my affair to him, I wouldn't expect him to trust me at all. I would expect that he'd be my "shadow" for a very long time. I would expect that he would want a list of who, where, why, etc. I would also expect him to check-up on me to verify that what I had told him was true. I would react the same way. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. In my personal opinion, you shouldn't feel shy or guilty about needing/wanting to know your wife's whereabouts right now. If she's sincere about making the marriage work, then she will understand your need to do this (after all, she betrayed you/is betraying you). I'm not saying that it's okay to become a jealous meanie. I'm just saying that at this point, you've been hurt enough and you need to protect yourself. It is not right for you to have to live in constant fear that she is with "him". For now, don't give her enough room to make another mistake. Yes, she's cold towards you right now. I went through that with my husband while I was cheating (online affair...then became physical over one weekend). I was cold toward my husband because I couldn't stand the guilt of what I was doing to him. I took all of my mistakes out on him. Maybe that's what she's doing to you. She wants you to hate her so that she'll have an excuse to run to the other man and leave (or that was my frame of mind almost a year ago). Anyway, now I've rambled and I probably haven't helped you at all. Hang in there, Tim...you're apparently a good "fella". Jill

Jill,<P>Thanks for the response. Your words of encouragement our helpful. The problem as I see it right now is I am not sure where my wife stands in our marriage right now. I read some of your posts and in many ways you sound like my wife. I was not always to supportive of my wife. She felt unloved, unsupported, and I believe that is why she had the affair. She also does not trust me that I have changed in how I love and support her, so she doesn't have much sympathy for me in my lack of trust for her. Good luck to you and thanks for the input.

Tim,<P>I really think that trust needs to be earned. Your wife has gone back to the OM twice? I think that she needs to really put some effort in regaining your trust. This suggestion is just my own opinion, but I suggest that she give you a schedule of her day which you can check up on periodically. Call and see if she is where she is supposed to be. If she is delayed or has a change in plans, she should call and leave a message on your answering machine. The place she called from and the time will be on Caller ID, so you can verify where she is. <P>If a betraying spouse wants to reconcile, great, but trust has to be earned.<P>May the Lord Bless you and Keep You.<BR>John

John,<P>Thanks for the input. I would be all for such a suggestion, but not sure my wife will go for it. She claims I am controlling, and might use this as one more example. I may need to pursue this more however.<P>Tim

Tim,<P>You may or may not be controlling, that is a matter of opinion, but she is definitely a betrayer. If your wife is not willing to do something to earn your trust, I would have to ask why not? <P>If she had merely strayed once, this could be a valid point, but she has gone back to the OM twice? Nope, she can't just show up and say "Trust Me".<P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John

Our D-day was 9/8/99, had a great recovery in process, ours was a EA to begin with but trust me a "full blown" Affair w/ sex is just as hurtful. anyways....<BR>last month I found out my W was staying at our sons practice just to talk and be around the OM. She was supposed to drop our son off and leave. I left work early this day and staked her out, felt horrible, hoping I would see what I did. She does not know that I was there yet, haven;'t decided to tell that, because the next Sunday our pastor did a great sermon on immorality and running from it! It hit her between the eyes,and she told she would stop. She also told her best BAC friend in an email that I captured with monitoring software that she was being stupid and would not hang out at practice anymore. SO it worked out pretty much on her own, .<BR>BUt it still damaged my trust for her, by the<BR>decision she made to begin with to stay, now she has to rebuild that again.....on we go!<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

TimJ<BR>You can't be expected to trust your wife again until she displays trustworthy behavior. At some point, once she has consistently displayed this behavior, then you do have to make the choice to trust her again, knowing the risk is there. <P>The ball is in her court....regardless of your behavior in the past, she is the one who was unfaithful and she must make the first move towards regaining your trust.<P>Are you in counseling? Even if she won't go with you, I encourage you to find a qualified marriage and family therapist (I believe in Christian counseling personally) and go on your own. You need a safe place to vent your frustration and an objective eye towards what steps to take. The ultimate goal is for your wife to be in counseling as well and hopefully reach a point where she sees her destructive behavior and takes steps to change it.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>