Ok, I am not even sure where we are right now. My H is home after a month long seperation. Last time that I know that he spoke to OW was on Valentines day. She came in and asked him to go to a hotel with her and he said no he was going home. He did come home, but then lied to me about seeing her. He said he just didn't think it was a big deal.<P>How I found out he was lying was she called me...to talk. She said she wanted to meet me and talk. So I told him I was going and then he told me he had talked to her.<P>So I went and spent 2 hours talking to her. (she use to be my friend) At the end of the conversation she asked if I would tell him not to call her or contact her. (as far as I know she has been the one contacting him) So I told H what we talked about. He seemed upset by it, but he said he was ok. So anyway...<P>He seems so angry and frustrated most of the time. He is coming home right after work everynight which is a big thing for me. It means a lot.<P>My problem is it seems no matter how hard I try I can't do anything right. He even said if I did everthing he said he would still find something to B**** about. He said he is having a hard time dealing with everything he has done. So could that be why he never thinks anything is good enough? I don't know...maybe I just came here to vent. I am hoping all of this is normal. <P>I love him so much and I am so afraid of screwing things up now that he is home.<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <P>

Please do not talk with the OW! I made that mistake. All it does is give her information that is none of her business. She loves to hear how things are going and it gives her ideas. Can you truly trust your H that he doesn't have contact with her at work? My H OW contacts him at work and I never know unless H tells me. So Im sure there have been many times I don't know about. My H still sees OW but I just can't do anything about it (yet). My counseler said my decision is close? maybe ... Good luck!<P>------------------<BR>

Look, I've heard this from the W of the MM I was involved with. They will tell you it was all the OW contacting them but you know that makes no sense. Of course he was doing some of the contacting to. If you are in plan A then stick to it. But stick to it without fooling yourself. After my own experience and all I've read here I think plan A can work in most situations. But it can only work if you have all the facts and are willing to face them.<P>Del

Stac,<P>ACCORDIND TO <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley, Dr. H says this is completely normal begavior. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Marital recovery cannot begin until withdrawal has ended. (page 68 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>An affair offers no painless escape<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The pain of total separation from a lover is great at first, but eventually comes to an end, and marital recovery can then begin. (page 70 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>.<P>So remember what your H is experienceing is withdrawl. Dr. H suggesta anti. dep. meds to take trhe edge off.<P>Relax, take what he says in stride, don't committ any <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, and deposit as many units in his love bank as possible, and I believe you will be rewarded..<P>Hang in there,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I have to tell you that the relationship here sounds like a triangle. I mean, by a triangle, relationship and the longer there is contact with either of you with her the longer that triangle will remain there. You need to cut out talking to her and ask your H to do the same. Ask him to give the two of you time without her interference to see what the relationship would be like without her involvement.<BR>I know because I was caught up in the same triangle with my H and the OW. The longer that either of us allowed any type of contact she was going to continue, she was feeding off of the problems she could cause between us. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Thank you all for the posts. Right now we can not cut out contact completely due to an unforseen problem. But she is willing to just have contact with me. I don't know how else to handle things.<P>Sharlene,<BR>I don't know if there is contact at work or not. Right now I just have to hope that my H will tell me if there is.<P>Delphi,<BR>I know he was making contact before, but he has told me since he came home he has not contacted her at all. I know she has shown up at his work on three occasions though.<P>Bill,<BR>Thanks for the info. I NEED to get that book! I am hoping that it is just the withdrawl. I hope soon he will be ready to talk to me. But until then...NO LB!<P>Chicks,<BR>As I said right now that is not possible. I have asked him to focus on us and he said he would. He said right now though he needs to deal with his feeling. <P>So I am here...and hanging on the best I can. Thank you all again.<P>Stac<BR><P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <P>

Jaded: What your H is experiencing is very normal for someone who has ended an affair. Have your H read some stuff about the addiction and withdrawal in Harley's book, so at least he knows it is temporary and common and will know what to expect.. It helped my H to read that stuff when he was going through it.<P>My H was in and out of withdrawal for quite a while and it was hard to see him moody, sad, depressed, and he didnt try to meet any of my needs.. It was awful for me.. But eventually, he gradually got better,, it just takes time.. It took my H about 6 months to start acting like his old self again.. The last couple of months I did start to see small signs he was getting better. BUT,,, he did not cut all contact with her during that time,, he slipped a few times and we would start and ground 0 again.. The ole 2 steps forward 1 backward is the way it went.. As long as we were moving in the right direction, I hung on... It was very very difficult.. But you must not lovebust during this time..Make home a very nice, calm and safe place for him.. Take a step back, let him heal,, be there for him if he needs you but dont pressure him... This will end in time, but he needs to work through it.. I tried to do it for my h and finally I realized I couldnt anymore and backed off. Thats when the real healing begun.<P>Now it has been about 9 months since he moved back home and he is awesome!!! Treats me great, sings and runs around the house like he is the happiest guy around!! It took us a lot to get here, but it will happen for you too... Be patient, and when you get frustrated come here and post,, vent here instead of to him..<P>Take care and good luck!

Thanks Micky,<BR>I am going to make it. I know I am. I am getting better at backing off. We talked tonight and I think I am going to be able to be better at it.<P>Time I have!<P>Stac<P>------------------<BR>Jaded Heart<BR>____________<P> <A HREF="http://journeys.webprovider.com" TARGET=_blank>http://reflect.to/journeys</A> <P> <P>