Well...<BR> <BR>I've come to the point of where I've had all that I can take. It's been 2yrs since I confessed about one night stand to H. The rollercoaster ride has been HELL. I've gone through so many emotions that I'm surpised that I'm still sane.<P>I've thought about this and I've decided that I am through trying. In fact, I've become very numb. My heart has been broken and it is time for me to work on healing me. And I can not do this, while hoping that he changes his mind. It's too much! I must let go. I haven't been happy in a long time. Constant disappointments, false hope, & mix messages has taken a serious toll on me. I'm exhausted and most of all drained. I have no motivation at all. <P>Yes, I love my H. But how long must I wait and put my life on hold? I've tried everything. I don't see any use of Plan B for the mere fact he was gone for six months last year and he still hasn't changed his mind. He knows that I want this marriage to work and there is nothing I can say to him that I havent said before. He knows how life is without me. And its evident this is how he wishes to spend his life. <P>I know that everything including the way I feel is subject to change. If it so happens that he wants to try again, then maybe. But at this moment, I can't. I've prayed to my Lord and Savior and I must find comfort that God's love is unconditional. My daughter and I can and will be fine on our own. I know that I will be fine financially. That's not a problem, but I really need to get myself together emotionally and spirutually. Even my relatioship with God has suffered because of this stress and constant burden.<P>I think that my H is a wonderful man. I hate the fact that i caused him pain, but the pain that he has caused me is also great. He has put me through so much within the last couple years and I still don't think I've ever gotten over him not being there when I had our little girl. He wants to be friends, but I don't think I can. I can be cordial for our daughter's sake, but not buddy buddy. I love him and I'm sure in a sense I will always love and care for him. <P>However, This [censored] is old for me. I'm at the point where I don't care if he calls or comes by. I believe in marriage and I believe that marriages can recover from the most devastating situations. But I also believe that I can't make H love nor want me. I can't no matter how much I want to. I've decided that if and when he files for D in April, that I will sign the papers. If this is what he wants I will not deny him of his free will. If God will let us choose our path, who am I not to allow him to be free of me.<P>I believe my H when he says that before and after my one night stand and even unti now, that there has never been another woman involved. I just wish that if he was going to leave that he would have left two years ago. Why now? I would have been able to accept it more. But why is a question that I can never answer. At least he did give us a chance right? Or did he? <P>This has been a long journey and I know that it is far from over. I won't hurt anymore. I have to shield and guard my heart. Too many expectations has burnt me. So now, I have none. Too much hope has disappointed me, so now I have none. <P>I'm am daily learning to love me and I growing as a parent. My daughter, Tamia, I wandered why I was impregnanted with her at the time I was. But now I know. She has given me so much strength. She's the only reason, I've held on to my sanity this long. <P>I need all of your prayers and I will continue to keep all of you in mine. I do believe that everyone's marriage has hope and I encourage all of you to hang on for as long as you can. I just think that I lost my grip!! I love you all here.<P> <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jamie-lee -- I cannot know, but do understand the pain you are going through. I have those same feelings of disappointment, despair and frustration. I'm glad for you that you realize your limit and didn't exceed it. When one goes past their true limit, they damage themselves immeasurably.<P>It's really sad that your H was unable to come to grips with your situation. Unfortunately, some people feel it's easier to run away from a problem than to try to solve it.<P>You appear to have a large strength reserve. Now is the time to tap into it to give you the resolve you need to make the lives of you and your daughter all that they can be. Maybe someday, H will wake up, but until that day continue the path you've chosen to make yourself a better, stronger person. I see that you have that in you, just see it for yourself and take advantage of it.<P>We're here for you anytime you need help.<P>Hugs to ya....<P>--DeWayne--

Hi Jamie-lee<P>As numb as you feel, you sound pretty grounded to me!<P>Yes, how well I understand numb, and then when you least expect it, you are a crying mess on the floor. But here's the thing about women like us... we pick ourselves up, dammit, and we GO FORWARD... somehow, with God's help, I suspect, we do PICK OURSELVES UP, becuase there are children to be tended to, LIFE to be tended to, and we can't wait around for these men to take care of us, now can we? If nothing else, we have learned that we are stronger than we thought, huh?<P>The only caveat I will throw in is this: if you change your mind down the road and decide to fight like hell again, after you've rested and given up, it's OKAY... and you just might come back to the place of wanting to fight for your marriage. I go back and forth myself. I feel like a wet dishrag that's been used to mop the floor, but somehow I keep on keepin' on... only God knows how, and I often make mistakes in my thinking, but I do keep going... just like you, Sweetie!<P>Take good care of Jamie-lee, and continue to care for your beautiful Tamia... you are a fantastic person!!<P>Love ya, Sheryl

DeWayne,<BR>Thank you for the hugs. God knows I need them. All of this does take a toll on a person and you are right when you say, if not careful one can damage themselves immeasurably. Especially when it comes to my relationship with God. I felt as if started fofusing on H more than I did my Lord and Savior. That was scary. Thanks again, its always nice to know I have people to talk to.<P>Sheryl,<BR>Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know you don't post much here. Your thoughts are appreciated. This numbness that I feel was a sudden change for me. It happened sometime last week and for the first time, I actually feel a little stronger. I've felt mixed emotions about this decision and thus I didn't tell H about my decision. I do think this is what's best for me at this time. I hate this for Tamia. I hated not having a father around. I started to resent my dad so much. I just hope she doesn't. His actions has even caused him to neglect her too. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jamie-lee,<BR> Each person has to decide for themselves when enough is enough. Only you can be the judge of that. I am glad to see your strength coming through, that you know you and your child will be OK!<BR> Hugs and prayers to you!<BR>Kathi

Kathi,<P>Thanks for checking up on me. Yes I am starting to feel a little stronger. I'm doing my best to move on, it's not so easy. I have my days when I feel like I don't have a care in the world. Then there are days like today when I feel sort of just dragging along. I haven't told H, I just want him to see that I'm moving on in my actions. I want him to see the strong and confident woman that I truly am and not the unstable and emotinal terror that I was. Moreover I want that for myself. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that our marriage could work. It's just time for him to do the chasing and make the first move. And if it's meant to be, if and when he does, my love will still be there to start all over again. But until then, I'm learning to rest in the arms of my Lord. <BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com