I have so many things running around in my head right now. I have read Arik's posts and his replies. It seems like he has pretty much decided to wait things out until I move on to plan B. My question to myself is "then what?". Do I really want to go through the motions of Plan B just to find out that even that is futile? Do I even want my marriage anymore? I know that right now my level of resentment is high, and that is what may be doing the thinking, questioning and doubting, but just the same the questions are there. I do not want to live a life of wondering, worrying and hurting. I was not meant for that, as I am sure nobody was, but when I married I married for life...for better or worse, richer or poorer, and we have pretty much experienced it all(except richer LOL). I am not really sure why I am posting this, just needed to get my thoughts out I guess, clear my mind, lift the fog. Not that I feel a whole lot better or clearer now but perhaps in a little while I will.<BR>Thanks everyone...<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

PatientLove:<P>I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.<P>Peace be with you...<P>Jill

Oh Nichole, I am so sorry for all this pain you are going through. I tried to read Arik's post but he has taken it all back. <P>I can't tell you if you want your marriage or not. Only you can decide that. But I can tell you that you are right. You do deserve all the love and respect you are asking for. <P>Take a breather. Don't do anything until you have had a chance to calm down and think with a clear head.<P>I am here for you always. You are in my thoughts and prayers.<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Oh Nicole,<P>To know you are thinking exactly as I do when I read Arik's posts does not make me happy.<P>You are at a disadvantage here because he knows that Plan B is done to retain the love you have for him, you tell him when he gets rid of the OW you are willing to try again.<P>It's like he wants to go do his thing knowing full well you are safely in Plan B, waiting. <BR>I don't know how I would handle such a coward. I would be frightned that as a man who has done it, WhoDat explained the mind set (yet missed Arik's desire for the letter).<P>I have no advice other than don't do the letter thing. Arik is using it and his knowledge of MB principles. <P>I am very, very sorry Nicole and I know it's really hard to live this daily. I wish I could help. Sorry.

InShock(and Nicole, of course…):<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>WhoDat explained the mind set (yet missed Arik's desire for the letter).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nope; I saw it… just more evidence of his cowardice. Thanks for cementing my point, though… Arik wants the letter, but doesn't deserve the tears Nicole would shed while writing it. He knows what Plan B entails, yet this is all some sort of sick game to him.<P>Pathetic.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Nicole, I have a very strong feeling that Arik is too cowardly to choose, so he's hoping you'll go into a plan B situation and make it easy for him.<P>Then he can paint you as the bad guy: "See? She threw me out! What choice did I have but to run to OW?"<P>I've posted to Arik that he ask himself why he would choose a woman who cheats on her H over one who doesn't. Somehow I think it won't make a difference.<P>I have no words of wisdom, kiddo, but I think of you often. Please take care of yourself.

Nicole-<BR>I have not posted to you before but have followed your story. Your Arik sounds so much like my H in his self-centeredness, his need for attention, his unwillingness to "hurt" people (in his eyes) and in so many other ways. And yet, if he is also like my H he can be charming, warm, passionate and has an enormous pull over you. Any your kids adore him and it is all so confusing. You are probably accustomed to catering to him, accomodating his moods and now when faced with doing what is right for you - you draw a blank. Perhaps I assume too much here, but I have been there and know this is how I felt for so long.<P>I discovered my H's 6 month affair in Jan 99. I did plan A through several separations and back and forths and recommitments and withdrawals and his running back to the affair. H lost his job over this, his self respect, his connections with family and friends and sunk into a depression so low he was sometimes close to suicide. He has anxiety attacks and seems incapable of moving forward even though he now has a new job. And through it all I continued to feel if I just hung in there, if I just showed him my love and commitment he would come around - I even felt "responsible" that if I went to plan B or did something else for me it would push him over the edge. We finally separated in late summer and he said he would divorce me. I then did more a plan B mode, but not really well and by fall he was back telling me how he wanted the marriage and OW was over. I relented, wanting so badly to hear this but he never agreed to no contact with OW (I got the "friends" line too) and - surprise - it did not work. Though we lived together for two months, he is now moving to another state for this new position, and I know the OW contact has not stopped, it has infact intensified. There is no action on his part (beyond words and empty promises) to indicate it will ever stop. WhoDat is right. My H promised to be honest about contact with OW, but as it became more frequent again (and I assume more intense) of course he began to lie again. To an extent and with a blatancy which is truly astonishing and devastating.<P>I do not know why I bored you with my whole story except to say that if I am right and I recognize in your H the same kind of weakness and cowardice (this is not a slam to you Arik - my H calls himself these very things because he is unable to take a stand) with regard to recommiting to either your marriage or the OW, you may have a long long road ahead of you if you decide to hang in there. I will not advise you to go to plan B now to save yourself the pain. I had to get to this point on my own at my own pace. But now I have an end of plan A timeline, a plan B timeline and and end of marriage timeline and I feel at peace and know I can stick to them.<P>I hope you will find peace in your decision. I finally realized that my only hope is to find peace within myself and with my children. That does not make it any easier. I still miss my H terribly and he can still hurt me terribly. But I no longer hang on to the hope that my actions can do anything to make him choose. And I am finally ready to move forward without him.<P>I feel for you and will keep you in my thoughts,<BR>Starpony