H just informed me he's moving out March 3rd, (prolonging my agony) He wants one T.V. fine with me. I told him he had to take the old couch and chair(which he told me 2 months ago I could get redone)that I was going to get new ones! Why should he get all new furniture?<P>He knows I don't want this but I refuse to beg him to stay. <BR>I've done that in the past. Big LB!<P>Now my question is..................<P>Do I let him have any kitchen stuff? he hasn't asked but should I offer some, would that be a Plan A thing??<P>We are suppose to sit down tonite ARRRGGGHHH<BR>and discuss finances!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Why is this happening?/ <BR>Please, Please respond!!!<BR>------------------<BR>Peg<p>[This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 21, 2000).]

Peg, <BR>How much of the book's that Dr. Harley has done have you read? Have you done any other reading? Lots of these have excellent ways of dealing with some of this junk.<BR>It's hard when you really don't want to work on a marriage. But believe it or not, the plan A isn't working on the marriage but more of working on you, something you've probably neglected due to some of the other stresses in your life. I have one disabled daughter and another with epilepsy......they do take alot of time up! <BR>I would do some reading and deal with this situation because wheather or not he leaves or not you still have some basic problems that need addressing. And weather or not he goes to counselling or not will not stop you from going. I would definately go, it would help you to see things you probably have been avoiding seeing in awhile. Take the time for yourself that you need and then go to work on your marriage. As far as the stuff goes, I would just retain my cool and not let it disturb me too much. Tell him how you really feel. Tell him that you really don't want him to go but you want him to leave if that's what he really wants. Let him know you still care, maybe he needs to hear this...God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I am going to counseling but she feels there is no marriage to work on. H has been having affair with same W for 6 years, and I need to work on me and not worry about him since he hasn't worried about me.<P>I guess I'm still stuck in the tring to win him back mode.<P>I feel if I give him some things for his place he'll look at me in a good light and i'm not being the B**ch that I really want to act like.<P>Does that make sense??????<P>------------------<BR>Peg

I would help, but definitely not to the point of putting you in a bind. He is deciding to leave, your not kicking him out, correct?<P>Listen to you heart and if you don't want to help him with something, just verify your motives.<P>My opinon for what it is worth.

I gave a lot of kitchen stuff when my H left. I also gave towels, linens etc. I kept saying this is your stuff too, take what you need. It feels really weird though. It seemed to put me in a fairly good position though because he had been treating me like I was the enemy.<BR>I had such a hard time with that, being the enemy. I guess that's part of the addiction thing.

Peggy,<BR>If you are the consumer, and you want your marrige to work, why in the world are you paying to get counseling from someone who doesn't support your marriage? <BR>Call DR. Harley!!! QUICK! <BR>And, tell your husband that you would like to hold off on discussing anymore plans at this point. YOU NEED TO CALL DR.HARLEY RIGHT NOW! Make an appointment!<BR>TNT

I guess I gave the wrong impression when I said He just informed me,<P>This has been along time in coming. I discovered H affair almost 2 yrs. ago, I've known for along time tho something was going on.<P>Both times (in the past) when I confronted him about it I also begged him not to leave. He stayed out of Family Obligation. I tried to work at the marriage and Plan Aed but he wasn't willing to work at it and just<BR>got sneakier.<P>In Jan. I decided I didn't want to live this way anymore so told him to leave.<P>That's just what he's been waiting to hear. It just has taking to long for him to go.<P>YES he knows I don't want him to leave, Yes he knows I STILL LOVE HIM !<P>But he says the marriage is over and that's why the counsler is telling me to take care of myself(She's free that the only way for me to go)get what you pay for huh?<P>I have read SAA. several times over and I think that if my H sees that I DON'T need him( my needyness was a LB to him) that I can make on my own<BR>he'll see me in a different light. <P>Another reason I think I want him to have a few kitchen things is he'll think I'm being generous.<P>I hope the OW can't cook worth a @$*& but I've never been lucky.<P>I'm afraid TNT that plans are already moving forward.<P>He put a deposit down on an Apt. Fri.<BR>Nothing is going to cange his mind now.(sort of tight fisted.)<P>I really do feel he needs to get away from me for a while, maybe he'll see the W he use to and decide to start again. <P>------------------<BR>Peg

Well, at least you are in the frame of mind to deal with it, but if you don't have a good track record of no lovebusters, then I would say that him moving out is only going to put your chances of recover farther from reach.<P>You've got to use tape or something and stop any and all lovebusters, what ever they are. He defines them, and he's not using a full deck if he is still in contact with OW.<P>Do not make any sacrifices for yourself legally or financially, however. Take care of you, but do it in a way that does not annoy your husband. Do not be a doormat, but be a respectable and charming wife.<P>I wish we could pass the hat so you could talk to Dr Harley.<BR>TNT

Hi Peggy,<P>Am I reading this right? You want to give him stuff so he'll remember you being good and not a B*TCH?? <P>IMHO, if he has been having an affair for 6 years, and he wants out, then let him out. But don't give him anything he doesn't want or ask for. Why should you? OW probably has that stuff and will just toss it out anyway. <P>I feel terrible for you. I do. I hope you will be ok after your discussions with him. Yes, you get what you pay for, but still, this doesn't mean its over by any means. Now he has to live with the OW and it may be NO PICNIC!!! Let him grow to hate her!! <P>Good luck, prayers are with you. Dana<BR>