Okay, so, say that I actually decide to reveal the affair to my husband...then what do I do? I'm in college right now. All of my family members live away from here. I have very good relationships with my own family and with my husband's family -- they are also part of the reason that I don't really want to tell my husband about my unfaithfulness. I don't want to plunge everyone that I love into a devastation like they've never known. My parents' marriage ended almost 20 years ago because of my father's adultery (the whole town knew about his adultery)...I don't want my mom to know that I'm "just like my dad". And, my mom is suffering through cancer right now (she's been treated, but the prognosis is unsure). I don't have any friends that would understand this whole mess that I've created. My pastor and his wife are actually are good friends with me and my husband...it would be too awkward to seek private marriage counseling from a pastor who's also a friend. Since I ended the affair almost a year ago, my prayer life and this forum have been the only outlets I have had for all of this stress that I've created for myself. This forum is a way for me to sort out my thoughts...it's a way for me to see my thoughts and the thoughts of others.<P>(In that last paragraph, I didn't mean to imply that I have been visiting this forum for a year. I've only been reading the articles here for a couple of weeks. I've been posting here for just a few days). <P>Anyway, I've read so many marriage books that I think that I AM a marriage counselor (kidding, of course!). I've read Harley. I've read Dobson. I've read "When Love Dies" by Judy Bodham (I think I misspelled her name...sorry about that). I've read books by Swindoll and Smalley and Trent...<P>I'm overwhelmed with what I've done and all of the information floating around in my head and in my heart. <P>I'm overwhelmed with the thought of destroying my entire family with the knowledge that I'm a liar and a cheat and a "one-weekend whore". <P>I'm paranoid about telling my husband all of this information. I'm paranoid that in his rage, hurt and disgust, he will flip out and tell everyone about what I've done to him. I'm afraid that, after he flips out and tells everyone what a creep I am, he will ask me to leave. I can visualize myself moving far away. I can visualize being haunted by the whispers of my family and former friends who will never want to see me again because I've what I've done to them and to my husband... <P>What is going to happen to me??<P>Just my thoughts tonight...sorry to ramble so much...<P>Love, peace and joy to all...<P>Jill

Jill<BR>My mind isn't working very well right now but I had to reply.<P>If you tell your H then you get to start the rest of your life. You will not spend any more time agonizing over whether or not to tell him. That part will be over. <P>Are you happy now agonizing over the decision?<BR>I know you aren't. In the years of pain that I have been through with my H and OW, the worst, most damaging part was the lies and secrets. At least the truth is real. <P>This is not a lecture. This is JMHO based on the damage that has been done in this house. The truth could have been dealt with. Lies and secrets lead to more lies and secrets and they hurt both of you.<P>If you tell him, you both get to go forward based on reality. Doesn't that sound just a little bit easier? This is not good for you. You are making yourself sick over it.<BR>Prayers!

Jill,<P>What I'm about to say here goes against everything I've learned here on the forum. I feel so strong about this that I have to say it even though I know I'll be bashed for it.<P>I feel like your asking us to make your choice for you. <P>Are you wanting us to talk you into confessing? or resolve the guilt by telling you it's ok to keep the secret?<P>You are the one who must live with your choice. You are the one who must make the choice.<P>It sounds like you want to confess but are afraid of the danger involved. Yes there is always the chance that your husband won't forgive you. There will be the loss of trust, the fight, the hurt, the embarrasement, and a long list of other possibilities. You are the one who must decide what path to follow.<P>If the situation were reversed, what would you want your husband to do? Would you want him to tell you the truth? Would you want to live in blissful ignorance? <P>Also, what do you think he would do if he heard the information from someone else? <P>IF you can live with the secret then why put your H, family, and friends thru the pain? Is this what you're thinking?<P>I can't tell you to confess or not to confess. You have to decide how to live your life. <P>Whatever you decide, it has to come from your own heart. <P>Is your mother strong enough to live with this information at this time? You certainly don't want to give her information that would create so much grief in her life as to adversly effect her health during treatment. The timing of this confession is important.<P>It sounds like your own health may be effected by the guilt your carrying around with you. <P>I hope you do what is best for you and your husband. I'll be praying for you to make the right choice at the right time.<P>Keo <P>

Jill,<BR>I don't know exactly what to tell you except what I am feeling. I don't know what your H is like or if he suspects anything. I can say this--Right now I am strongly considering divorce from my wife because I think she has lied to me about it. She firmly denies any wrongdoing. Early in our marriage she had 2 EA's and lied to me repeatedly until I caught her. Now, I think she is doing it again. I have told her time and time again to please be honest with me and we could work it out. However, it is the thought of lies and deception that is eating me alive. If you love him and he loves you, then you can fix what went wrong. You can't even start to repair if lies are present. Unless he is totally out of touch with you, he knows something is wrong and probably just waiting. If holding in the secrets hurts half as bad as thinking your spouse has them, then it must be killing you. Can you stand it?

Hi Jill,<P>Two thinks come to mind reading your post. Limit of two for me, small brain box.<P>First, It appears that you are fighting guilt internally. This is not good for you mentally or physically. If you opt to continue to carry this weight you will not be able to contribute as you should in the marriage. Val [W] has an ulcer the size of Rhode Island because of the stress of the affair.<P>Second, You are assuming that you H will not be able to handle the information that his W is not perfect and made a mistake. By telling him gives the opportunity to improve the relationship.<P>I wish my W would have tried just a little harder to let me know that the marriage was in trouble. I was too caught up in the business and didn't realize what was happening in "our" life.<P>No one is perfect. If we were there would be no one on this site and I would be answering no one. HUH? Anyway, the decision is yours. Do you want to live a lie? <P>I was the betrayer in my first marriage. Toni found out and confronted me. Of course I denied it as outlined in the cheaters book. I went to bed. Layed there for about 5 minutes before the guilt had overwelmed me and I confessed.<P>Don't know if this helps or hurts. You are in the right direction. Also read your other post. It took guts to put your feelings into words.<P>Take care, God Bless.<P>Tim

Jill,<P>I don't know if I've rsponded to you or not in the past. I was intregued by your other thread and now this one. I thank you for your willingness to share your experience. It gave me an idea of how my W might have felt before her affair. Granted it's still ongoing and I am in plan-b.<P>To tell or not to tell???<P>How lond have you been married?<BR>Any childeren?<BR>Does your H love you?<BR>How long can you sanely live with this eating you up inside?<BR>Are you counceling?<P><B>the big question</B><P>Do you think your H would leave you???<P>Havr you read the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. IMHO, it is the best book on relationships I have ever read...<P>In it Dr.H explains why he believes in total honesty...His experience is when complete honesty is not in a marriage that the deception completely undermines all intimacy..He also staes the he has never seen a marriage fail because of honesty, quite the opposite in fact...However, the telling should be done in a controled eneiroment.<P>One of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> is dishonesty. It eats the dishonest person from the inside, then when its revealed, it crushes the other person.<P>From the tone of your thread it sounds as if you want to tell your H, and you are asking for opinions. I vote yes. One thing you have going for you is you are pastr the hardest part of the withdrawl.<P>One last thing to think about and in no way do I intend it to be judgmental, if you tell your H and he leaves you, getting honest won't be what caused him to leave, the act that was covered up will be the cause of his departure.<P>When my W told me she had slept with LRB, I knew we could get past it as a couple. The pain of finding outy left me paralized in the fetal position crying like a baby for over an hour, it did not change my desire to save my marriage.<P>I suggest a couple of counceling sessions with Steve Harley, he can guide you through the process of telling your H...<P>Best of wishes in youe decision...I will be prayng for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Jill, <BR>You said:<BR>I'm paranoid about telling my husband all of this information. I'm paranoid that in his rage, hurt and disgust, he will flip out and tell everyone about what I've done to him. I'm afraid that, after he flips out and tells everyone what a creep I am, he will ask me to leave. I can visualize myself moving far away. I can visualize being haunted by the whispers of my family and former friends who will never want to see me again because I've what I've done to them and to my husband... <P>My dear, this is EXACTLY what happened to me. My ex-H told everyone on the planet, then mostly treated me like crap for a whole year, then dumped me after he got himself back together. I never, ever thought he could be so mean. Your one weekend does not justify all of the above happening to you. If I had it to do over again, I would NOT have confessed. <P>You weigh the risks. You decide what you can live with. As horrible as I felt before confessing, it was much, much worse after the confession because of the way my H degraded and humiliated me. Yes, you made a bad choice. You don't deserve to be "punished". If you suspect even a little bit that your H is that kind of person, then my suggestion is DO NOT TELL HIM. <P>Another poster said that if your husband decides to leave you it won't be because of your honesty, it will be because of the act you covered up. Well that is only part of the truth. If your husband decides to leave you it could be because he never loved you in the first place, it could be because he is just tired of being married, heck, it could be a whole bunch of other things totally unrelated to YOUR act. Problem is, if he is having even an inkling of an idea to hit the road, your confessing will give him the biggest excuse to haul *ss he'll ever get, and then YOU will get blamed for it. Sound like a good idea now? Nope, I say work on the problems that made you vulnerable to an affair. Work on yourself. Put the affair behind you and move on and make sure it never happens again. <P>Telling your H will not cure your guilt. Take it from someone who knows.

Jill,<P>If the reason for not telling is because you are worried that your husband will tell everyone and treat you disrespectfully, the question you need to ask yourself is do you really want to be married to someone like that you don't trust.

Jill, <P>I agree with Koesha first, in that you seem to want us to make the decision for you... we can't do that, sweetie... only you know what is best in YOUR situation.<P>I agree with TheStudent secondly, because my H handled my confession (3 month affair, one hop in the sack) in the worst possible way also. He told everyone, lost a ton of weight, stalked me, and nine months later had his own affair (unprotected no less, so now we have to wait again to be tested for HIV, making him use condoms until test)... <P>Did it help me to tell? It helped insofar as the fact that I cannot lie without it eating me up inside, and it did put everything on the table. Aside from that, it has only caused massive pain and agony. My H wasn't gonna tell me about his latest fling (he had three in the early years of our marriage) but since he hadn't used a condom, he knew he had to tell me for health reasons... otherwise, he's said outright, he'd never tell again. And guess what? If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I do now, I wouldn't have told. <P>Your decision... as always! Let us know what you do... watching and praying for you!!<BR>

Hi Jill,<P>I'm with the gals on this one. You're the only one who can make the decision here. Obviously. Best we can do is help you think it all out before you make the decision.<P>To tell or not to tell....hmmm. So many conflicting viewpoints on this one. Years and years ago, the modus operandi of the family counselling trade clearly was against confession. For many counsellors, it still is (btw, I have family and friends in the biz).<P>When my wife Suse began her affair 15+ years ago, she did NOT tell. The theory was, that it would do the marriage no good... that it would further hurt the injured party... that it would allow the offender to lessen the guilt but at the expense of the innocent. Yah, well... doesn't always work that way.<P>Guilt can eat oneself up from the inside. Secrets can. I know, it almost ruined my marriage and ultimately led years later to my own affair. My wife Suse would probably have told me a lot earlier had we to do it all over again. She didn't confess for 6 years and in between she was on-again-off-again with the OM.<P>The Harleys and others are for getting everything out in the open. That seems to be the prevailing mainstream theory. Then again, you're not "everyone". You're unique as "you". Generalities by nature don't always apply to ALL individuals. <P>Please weigh your options carefully. Consider what happened to The Student. She did the right thing...and where did it get her? My wife didn't tell me and her guilt almost ruined our marriage. Choose your weapon, slow and gradual or quick and violent. Some choice, eh?<P>But...all is not hopeless. Suse and I have survived and reconciled. Part of the reason we participate here is to offer people some hope. To show that there is life after this hell and that life can be heaven.<P>We don't know you and your H well enough to make the decision for you. We can only offer you our own experiences and you have to sort through them to see what fits. But, the more you know...the better the odds will be of making the best decision.<P>Best of luck.<P>------------------<BR>I'm just a pilgrim on this road, boy. 'Til I see thee... fare-thee-well. Steve Earle

Hi<P>I guess I need to take this chance to clarify some of the things that I wrote in my original posting. <P>I apologize that I sounded like I expected you all to make my decisions for me. I never meant to sound like I was keeping score or taking a vote using your responses so that my decisions would be easier. Posting here is very therapeutic for me. Here, I have a place to share my thoughts and to learn from others (you). Just as your postings and responses help me, I hope that my postings and responses will help you (in some tiny way). I know that the decisions are mine to make. I know you can't make decisions for me (wish ya could!) .<P>Anyway, thank you for trying so hard to help me.<P>Peace to all... <P>Jill<BR>

Jill,<P>I responded to your earlier post on this site. I think it was two days ago. If you decide to tell your H about your affair, then you should seek a counselor that can help you set it up to minimize the shock and maximize the chances that your H will not leave. This can be done with some preparation. <P>I know that a lady named Francis who posts on the "why women leave men" portion of this site, had her counselor show her how to sit down with her H and evaluate the marriage and that led naturally into telling H about the affair. You would have to go back into her posts to find this.<P>However, no matter how you do it the pain will still be great for your H and you for that matter. The damage of an affair is hugh as you already know. The issue of telling or not really boils down to whether you can still be a good wife and human being carrying this secret and guilt with you.<P>As I said in my last post, I'll bet your H suspects something or he would not be reading His Needs/Her Needs. While your were in fantasy land, I'll bet you were not as clever hiding this thing as you think.<P>It is a very tough decision you face. I hope that you can reach a decision that you can live with.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL

Jill if you have put all your guilt into improving your marriage then my advice to you is not to tell your husband. If you were still cheating and your marriage was being affected then I would say that your husband has a right to know. You seem to be remorseful for your action and in my opinion telling your husband one year after the fact would not add anything in helping your marrige improve. Telling your husband in order to help make you feel less guilty is like pouring salt on a wound. It will likely damage your marriage forever. Why take the chance especially if you now have a good marriage. Your husband should not be hurt for <BR>a bad decision that you made to commit adultery. Channel your guilt into making your husband happy. As for your guilt feelings. Take them to your grave.

Again, I can't believe what I'm reading here. What ever happened to honesty and growth - honesty is ALWAYS the right choice and the ONLY way you can learn and grow from your mistakes. Lies NEVER go away.<P>Mare

Jill,<P>I want you to know that my heart goes out to you. I know exactly where you are. I am the betrayer and as yet my W doesn't know, not because of my own unwillingness as of late, but because she only recently agreed to a meeting with me and I felt I needed to know where she was at emotionally, and I guess to be honest my own fear as well.<P>You could do a search on Repenting topics and come up with several good discussions about the matter.<P>Here's some of my thoughts on this. I have first come to the conclusion that disclosure must happen. I am very affraid that she will bolt. We are already separated because of what I now know and am willing to say was an addiction to sex (i.e. porn) I am recovering however, have been "sober" since early Nov. I believe that God is healing me.<P>I read in Matthew 19:8 that Jesus replyed to the Pharasees about divorce that "Moses permitted divorce because of your own hardened hearts." He later says that marital unfaithfulness is the only acceptable reason for remarriage.<P>I think my W has been struggling with justifying her thinking divorce when she maybe doesn't feel she has biblical grounds. She has told me that she envys my relationship with God right now, saying that she is feeling spirituallly dry. I think I have the key to her relationship with God. By disclosing my affair, she can be free to choose without condemnation from God. She can choose the path of forgiveness and reconciliaiton or she can choose the path of hardening her heart. Perhaps that's being unfair, but that is how I see it. I need to confess to her without any blame on her what so ever. As neglected as I may have felt, she didn't make me do it. <P>My hope and prayer is that she will look to God to find the grace and forgiveness necessary to heal her spirit and to think about working on us. The truth is though that, she deserves complete honesty and if we are to reconcile it is with the full knowledge of what I have done and her choosing to stay. Which is the only way I would ever know that she really loves me. I mean by that, if I didn't reveal the affair and we tried to reconcile, that issue would still be there.<P>Jill, I'll be praying for you. Seek God and His Holy Spirit to guide you. Know that God loves you regardless of what you did, and he stands ready to pour out His grace over you when you submit to Him to receive it.<P>Keep in touch.<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

Hmmmm,<P>This is difficult for me. I am a betrayer. My H already had the gut feeling that something was wrong. I had a one night stand and it was absolutely kiling me inside. I confided in two friends. One who said that I should tell and the other who said that I should take it to my grave and not say a thing.<P>Well, needless to say, I told him. My H original response was terrible. He immediately told me to get out. Then he said that he wanted us to work things out. And after 9 months (8months pregnant) of emotions up and down, H decided he wanted a divorce. It's now been 18 months since he said he discussed D, but continues to show me mix signals. I believe I hurt my H and out of this, he started to act out of character and became very selfish and irresponsible. He is responsible for this behavior not me. I stepped up to the plate and took responsiblity for my mistakes and he must now do the same. <BR>To me, I think my H had the right to know. I think that if I was in the other position, that I should have the right to stay or go. Who knows, maybe he won't go. But could you blame him if he did? I admire all the betrayed on this board, becuase they chose to stay and not back out even though they had every right to do so. Ultimately my decision to tell was based on that I felt as though that I could not live a lie. Yes at times I wonder, what I would feel like if I hadn't told, but I am at peace with myself in the path i chose. And that's what truly matters. so that's my answer, which ever gives YOU peace, do it!! Only you have to walk in your shoes. May God give you the peace and I will keep you in my prayers, whatever you decide.<P><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Jill - I'd suggest this. Don't tell your H, at least not right away, given the devastation this might cause to family and friends. Instead, find an individual therapist or counselor whom you feel you can trust, and then tell him or her what your situation is. The counselor might be able to help you find the best course of action, and would give you someone to "confess" to, who's not directly involved in the situation.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

A word of warning about counselors and therapists. My wife had a one time affair in August of 97. She went back and forth trying to decide if she should tell me or not, so she went to a therapist.<P>This therapist (a man) convinced my wife that the reason she had the affair in the first place was because she was not getting enough out of life and encouraged her to keep quiet. He even went as far as to suggest she have another affair with someone that was more compatible with her that the first man was.<P>Over the course of several months, this therapist had convinced my wife that she had been entitled to have an affair in the first place and that she should go out in the world and "live life".<P>As you might be already guessing, my wife did find another man to have a second affair with.<P>The sad part about this is that before my wife saw this therapist, she was feeling guilty and remorseful about what she had done. Only after months of "therapy" was her guilt buried by a new sense of "freedom".<P>So please, be carefull about whom you seek professional counsel from. My wife was not, and so our family suffered for two more years in a state of chaos because of it.<P>The Rooster ~:-}

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Rooster:<BR><B>A word of warning about counselors and therapists. My wife had a one time affair in August of 97. She went back and forth trying to decide if she should tell me or not, so she went to a therapist.<P>This therapist (a man) convinced my wife that the reason she had the affair in the first place was because she was not getting enough out of life and encouraged her to keep quiet. He even went as far as to suggest she have another affair with someone that was more compatible with her that the first man was.<P>Over the course of several months, this therapist had convinced my wife that she had been entitled to have an affair in the first place and that she should go out in the world and "live life".<P>As you might be already guessing, my wife did find another man to have a second affair with.<P>The sad part about this is that before my wife saw this therapist, she was feeling guilty and remorseful about what she had done. Only after months of "therapy" was her guilt buried by a new sense of "freedom".<P>So please, be carefull about whom you seek professional counsel from. My wife was not, and so our family suffered for two more years in a state of chaos because of it.<P>The Rooster ~:-}</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Rooster:<P>Thank you for your warning about counselors. I am presently being counseled by Steve Harley over the telephone. I'm certainly not looking for anyone to "clear my conscience" or give me a "license to cheat again". I'm not looking for anyone to help me justify my actions by saying, "If your husband would've done THIS, then you wouldn't have done THAT." I feel horrible enough about cheating the first time and I pray that I will stay focused on God and my marriage so that I will NEVER repeat that mistake again.<P>Thanks for the advice. I'm so sorry about your pain.<P>Jill

Mare,<BR>I used to think the same thing about honesty. 99% of the time, I think you are right. I'm talking about that other 1% of the time where the consequences of total honesty are so awful (and only jill can decide what is that awful) and are so grossly out of balance with the "crime" committed, that it is not justified. <P>