My husband believes that I am having an affair, even though he says that he trusts me. I have been through this in a previous marraige, and I have not had an affair. What can be happening to me? How can every man I get seriously involved with think that I am having an affair? I am a vey faithful person and I have given up on this marriage. He has been accusing me for over two years, and now I want out of this marriage. I would rather be alone, then having to worry if he is going to accuse me again.<BR>

Hi EOMR,<P>Ok lets take this one step at a time , ok ?<P>First have you asked him what makes him think you are having an affair ?<P>Do you have large amounts of time unaccounted for ?<P>There must be <B> something </B> that is making him doubt you yes ?<P>You need to realize that he may just be afraid

Rope,<P>Deb's suggestions are logical and a reasonable approach to such an accusation.<P>My #1H constantly accused me of having an affair(s). This started just weeks after we married. To me, the suggestion of such a thing was so ridiculous I dismissed it, even laughed. <P>I tried to be logical and point out that he knew where I was at all times. When could I possibly be affairing? I was shocked at his logic. He viewed going to lunch daily with the office gals as time, supposedly food shopping as time, on my way to and from work as time, etc. It gets worse, because when he could name no man I was having the affair with he accused me of being a lesbian. (Outside activity was with other females, and so the logic went) <P>After a while I was screaming and yelling about proving a negative, still hell bent on him seeing how illogical he was. Yet he brought it up time and time again.<P>Like you, these accusations wore me down and I emotionally removed myself from him, thus causing HIM to have an affair.<P>If your H is not having an affair himself and projecting his wish that you would on to you, then he has a big problem.<P>I well understand being at the end of your rope with this accusation. <P>If your H is as far gone as mine was the guy needs help - professional help. This has nothing to do with affairs so much as he is mentally ill. Stop feeling the accusation and look at it as a horrid sickness of HIS. If you love him and are really here because you deep down want the marriage, you'll need the help of a pro. <P>PS-The LAST time H accused me of an affair I whacked him in the head with a bottle of ketchup. I'm embarassed that my level of frustration got to this point !! <P>

It's crazy that some people are like this. Thankfully, not many are - usually there is some justification.<P>Is there any reason why your H and your XH believed you were being unfaithful? Like Bozos_ Deb wrote, is there anything that might make your H suspicious? <P>In any case, refuse to feed into it. Inform your H that you have <I>nothing</I> to hide. Your life is an open book. You don't conceal <I>anything</I> from him. If he wants to know anything, you'll give him the information he wants as soon as you possibly can. <P>You might have to go as far as to suggest he hire a PI (Private Investigator) to check up on you, if he's so untrusting. If you have nothing to hide, all he'll wind up with is PI's report that you are a faithful spouse. <P>Wierdly enough, some betrayers themselves accuse their faithful spouses of having an affair. It's some betrayers' way of diffusing their guilt over the EMR by telling themselves, "well my spouse is doing it too," or "my spouse deserves to have this done to them if they might be doing it to me." <P>You may just want to examine your H and his motives for accusing you a bit more carefully! <P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

end of my rope,<P>I too am accused of having an affair(hence the name). My H accused me back in January of 1999, and still till this day believes I am having one. <P>After going through this for a year now I am too at the end of my rope. No matter what I say or do to prove that I am not H still believes this.<P>My H is very insecure and it is not the first time he has accused me of this. Everytime I start to feel good about who I am as a person and that I'm worthy of something I get shot down by his actions. <P>I really in some ways feel my H is pushing me out of his life. People(even my mom) said to me maybe H is having an affair. I don't know that for sure so I just sit back and see what comes next. <P>I've been going through some really tough times lately(there are other problems in our marriage too) with all of this and I'm starting to rise above all this. <P>I found out that H was looking up divorce in our state on the computer, so I don't know whats in store next for me. I just try and stay one step ahead of him in knowing. I have to protect me and our 2 D's. <P>Stay strong!<P>falsely accused<BR>

I have read the replies, and I appreciate the advise. I have asked him why he feels this way. He tells me that he doesn't know. I have asked him to show me proof of any kind. He has none. He know where I am 24/7, if I am not at work then I am at home. I have no more friends, because he scares them away. He spys on me, his friends spy on me, he questions everything that I do. He hates my job (no matter where I work), he hates my friends. I can't even say hi to anyone that I may run into at the mall. He tells me that my male friends have told him that I come on to them. I have told him that I would talk to them about this and he tells me that I better not. Is he making this up? Is this his way to get me to stay away from them? He finally decided to see a professional after I told him that I wanted him to move out. This professional told him that it may be a childhood wound that is making feel this way. I told him that I don't have the strength (emotionally, physically or any other form)to continue with this marriage.

I am replying to you because reading your post somehow tells me how my W must be feeling now. I am the accuser, and I am afraid the false accuser. My W did have 2 EA´s early in our marriage. Lately, 7 years later, we seemed to have had our first test of me seeing her comfortable around another man. Old memories rushed back and I assumed it must be the same. I have been tormenting her for the last 5+ months with accusations, questions, insinuations and the such. I have tormented myself as well. I have looked at every possible angle to catch her in a lie, not once taking the time to hear her truth. It has a maddening effect on the accuser. I have the thought that I am sick in the head and am seeing a professional to help me understand where my trust is. My W has bent over backwards to help me but has been beaten down for all her actions. For all the good things she has done, I equated them to making me feel good so I wouldn´t ask her about it anymore and she wouldn´t have to confess. I have been too stupid to realize that she loves me and is trying to tell me so. Your posting just made me call her and ask her to attend my counseling session tonight. She, or course, said OK but the counselor wants to concentrate on you. I don´t care--I have some serious apologies to make and I want to do them there so we can move to bigger and better things in the sessions. I love the thought of my W being there because it makes me feel we are doing the healing together. My W told me last night that she had done everything she could to make me trust and believe in her, she could do no more and would do no more until I made a decision to trust or not. Maybe this is the tatic your H needs. I can tell you that once you get it in your head that something is going on, noone but yourself can get it out. YOU, the accuser, has to make the decision. Her words last night and your posting today have helped me make that decision. I pray that you are able to restore your marriage. Do remember that you just helped restore mine.<BR>Thank you so much.<BR>LHC

I guess the question is always, are these guys projecting and they themselves are having an affair. When my accuser H did eventually have an affair, the accusations did NOT stop, they became more frequent and more illogical (if that was possible).<P>I think both Rope and FA are experiencing what I did. <P>The accusations and the extent to which you are accused defies logic. If they can't see LOGIC and FACT then there is something else wrong, seriously wrong!! Someone suggested a private detective, I know from experience that a clean report would mean nothing to these men. <P>I totally understand that you can live your life in an open manner, reassure and present fact and still be on the receiving end of this sickness.<P>If you want these marriages I would call shrink after shrink until I found one who understands that this sickness is right up there with hearing voices !!! It's up to YOU to make the shrink understand that this is NOT just some jealous little marital spat.<P>My H and I went to therapy and the shrink was NOT getting it. My H presented as FACT, that he went to kiss me and my face smelled like I had been with someone else!! I am furious that the shrink just sat there as I tried to defend myself. Get a shrink that understands how deep this problem is.<P>Rope, what you wrote last makes me cringe with the memory. He is sucking your life away. Call that shrink and tell her what is going on.

LHC,<BR>Your response brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. I am glad that you were able to come to your senses and try to work things out with your W. But my heart hurts because I have given up and I know that I can't wait for my H to get to the point where you have arrived. It took you all those years and I just don't have the strength. I have never given my H any reason to feel the way he does. When he gets angry he says hateful things to me that hurt like a knife through my heart, then he wants to take them back. Once it has been said you can't take it back. If he were to leave me, at this point I think that I would feel relieved and free to be me.<BR>He tells me that he is going to work hard to change the way that I feel, but the damage is done and I can't see any healing. My prayers are with your and your W. <P>Life is too short to live it with sadness, so find happiness and a smile each day. Use your mind and energy from within to conquer the evil. Most of all love and you will be loved.<BR>Why can't my H think the same that I do?<BR>