I have always gotten along with my inlaws, but since my H moved in with other woman they have stabbed me in the back. They completely support what he has done and have even stayed at my H and OW apartment! I realize my H has probably lied to his parents just as he is still doing to the kids and me. However, I really don't believe my inlaws could be dumb enough to not know what is REALLY going on.<P>My children and I received a Vday card from the inlaws saying they think about us everyday, blah, blah, blah. I haven't heard from them since December when I tried to do the right thing and take the kids to meet with them at a local restaurant. (My H recorded a conversation with his father about all the crazy stuff he had pulled including having me throw in jail. His father laughed!) Of course, I was not about to invite these people into my home after hearing that tape, but they are the grandparents so I agreed to allow the children access to them. During that visit with my inlaws my H tried to break into the house again. (About a week before on my B-day, H had me put in jail, broke into the house, took several expensive items and had the locks changed on the house, picked up the kids from school early and went all over town with the OW.) His parents were in on the whole thing! <P>I was wondering if any of you have had to deal with inlaws like this and how you handled it. If I had done all the things my H has done, my mom would have been furious with me! Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.<BR>

Hi, Tulip - can't say that I had to go through that, in fact, my MIL and BIL were wonderful to me throughout this entire ordeal. My strongest supporters and shoulders for my tears (add a little conviving and detective work, too!)<P>BUT.....they accepted PT. Invited her over. Took her shopping. Included her in family Thanksgiving dinner while d and I ate alone and their family Christmas party. Saw her regularly and tried to accept her for a while. Went off with her and H as couples. And that hurt. But I understand. It's very, VERY difficult for some parents to express their displeasure. And they accept things in order to keep their child from getting "angry". So I didn't get angry. I just kept working to strengthen OUR relationship. And MIL and I got even closer than we were. Once things started "changing", she REALLY became my partner, talking to H and gently helping his along once he was open to listen. And that helped a lot.<P>Good luck to you. In-laws are tricky.<P>Lori

Hi tulip, I'm afraid I'm going to work now,but I wanted to tell you the same happened to me.<BR>My in laws cheered for the ending of our marriage and supported the ow.Specially my sil wanting to get the heat off her, for having done the same thing.<BR>Regardless of their efforts, we're still together and better than before.<BR>I will come back later, and tell you some more about it, butmow I really have to go.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

OK, I think I can jump in here! For years my Inlaws wanted him to marry this girl, they thought they were made for each other. I only had an associates degree, no money, divorced from a very ugly first marriage, not from their "social registry" and they thought I was gold digging. I only loved him to the point that I thought everyone deserved some happiness and he was the one giving it to me.<BR>But the fact that I never could get them to even like me.......that made me so insecure and unhappy. They had never given me a chance. She came along and said, hey, if anyone shouldn't be my friend it should be her, right? So I started thinking I wasn't so bad. Invited her and her H over for dinners, spent time with them. Invited them both into my home and even celebrated christmas with them (the day after she screwed my H in his office that I helped set up!)I had done so much for my H, I helped him get his Juris Doctorate and here was the only person being friendly to me within their "circle" and even though I felt she was evil I still let her into our life....Anyhow, when I found out and he said he would end it she still called him at work until he had me come into his office again to answer phones. And even now she still calls I think because I still get hangups. She went to my BIL and SIL and told them the whole sorry mess and that I was blackmailing him to stay with me. I got a really good reputation with them. I had developed a screw it attitude and then I acted like I really didn't give a sh*t.......My H took them aside one day and said, NO he wasn't being blackmailed, that he deeply loved me and they had to accept me or he would disappear himself, they had to accept us. <BR>Really though, I think it made some stuff nice because they figured out that he had tried the one they wanted him to and it wasn't working and he KNEW what he really wanted! I think they treat me now with more respect than they EVER did before and it's great. Not only that but I now have the "family legacy" then next son, the sixth in his line after our daughters! Funny how things work out. Don't let your inlaws affect you, they have NOTHING to do with your marriage and sometimes you need to develope this screw it attitude for them to see you don't care about them, just about your H. God Bless!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

My in-laws are great too. The thing is when I told them, they told me straight out that they needed to hear both sides of the story, and that they needed to be supportive of their son, even if they didn't agree with his decision. I wouldn't have expected anything else. I have my own set of parents to support me. Their child is a grown man now, and fully capable of making his own mistakes. They can't exactly take him over their knee. It was never a matter of taking his side over mine. It's a matter of showing unconditional love even when what their son does disappoints them. They did express to him that they thought he could make a better choice, but that ultimately what he decided was up to him.

Tulip,<BR> I've known my in-laws for 25 years.But after my W cheated she ran to her family and dumped out 22 years of garbage(and some well-placed lies)on me.Incredibly,they believed every word she said.So now,the"Greatest Son-in-Law in the World"was cast out of her family.When I think of all the backbreaking work I did for all those people over the years,it makes me ill.If I had cheated on her,not only would I've been cast out of her family(again),but my family probably would have disowned me for doing that to my W.I know they have to stick by their daughter,but they never even asked my side of the story.I was guilty as charged for driving my W into an affair.She even told me that I was a good husband,but she just"fell in love".Wouldn't look too good if she had told her family that.So,I know where you're coming from.But they're going to believe what they want to believe,and there's not a d@mn thing you can do about it.What's ironic,is that most affairs have nothing to do with marital problems(kids,money,disputes),but rather with passion,infatuation,and sex,sex,and more sex.And if the family can't see that,they're pretty naive,and gullible.But I think a lot of parents would rather bury their head in the sand,than admit their child had done an unexcusable act.Just my.02 worth. --Murph

You have really hit a nerve with me. My ex in-laws have blamed me for everything and have even told me that my ex's affair had nothing to do with our divorce. He had to work too hard, didn't have enough freedom, got married too young, they just want him to be happy. They have accepted the OW and lied to my kids, told them my ex didn't have a girlfriend. They never call to see if I need help, never have asked how I am doing, then they complain because I have control of the kids. They can't even respect me for the fact that I am raising two children on my own while my ex has his fun and no responsibility. I am an outcast to them. Then my ex-MIL goes to the same church we do, so I have to look at her every Sunday. I feel as much resentment toward them as I do my ex.<P>AD

What an interesting subject!<P>One that I have plenty of experience with.<P>My inlaws (actually outlaws) are a bizzare bunch.<P>They not only knew about the OW for years they encouraged H to leave me for her.<P>They can't stand anyone who is better or has more than they do in any way. None of the children in H's family have their biological dad in their lives. Therefore my children were resented for having their dad living with them. My H makes a lot more than any of his other close realitives and I have been a SAHM for many years. This bothered them as well. I was actually told by my sil I had no right to spend my H's hard earned money for things for myself, and that was while I was still working and made more money than he did! I was a professional model in my teens and my girls take after their Mom, so I was told I put too much emphasis on their looks. LOL, it doesn't matter that they are both honors students. Any time I would mention one of my kids accomplishments my mil would jump in and interupt me with the fact one of her other grandchildren did some phenominal feat like burping. My folks only have two grandchildren (my two kids) so for Christmas etc they would be very generous with my kids. The inlaws would buy twice as much for the other kids because as I was told "Your parents but them so much they don't need gifts like the other kids do." Try to telling that to the kids who see their cousins with stacks of gifts and them with one or two.<P>They also don't like anyone who differs in opinion from them. If they say the grass is purple you'd better agree or your trashed. And speaking of trashing..... if your not in the room with them your fair game. I'll never forget the day I had my first child I was suppossed to apply makeup for H's niece for her prom. When I went into labor they asked me to wait to go to the hospital so I could still help the niece! When I said I couldn't they trashed me for only thinking of myself! And when I gave birth to a female child 5 hours later mind you (females are valued in his family not male offspring) rather than ask if the baby or I were ok my sil said. "It figures you'd get the girl." Her daughter had two young sons and was ticked off I had a girl!<P>So when the bimbo came along she was perfect for them. She is unattractive, uneducated, spends her last dime on H's family (this they value more than anything, how much you give them determines how much they like you)her kids are really bad apples (so much H's family doesn't even want them around even though they make their own kids look like champs).<P>After H left his family called all the more distant family members and told them not to call me or my children and have nothing to do with us. H's mother, sister, brother etc. all act like my kids don't exist. Not as much as a card in the past almost 3 years, not even during the year he returned home. They had OW over for all the holidays and H, our kids and I were not welcome. And to really rub salt in the wound H's bro and sis are my youngest's Godparents. Not as much as a card or call when she graduated 8th grade and that too was when he was living at home with us.<P>Then there was the time my eldest called her grandmother looking for her dad. D was told by dear Grandma that the OW was an angle, and D would except her if she really loved her dad as he is entitled to his happiness too.<P>::SIGH:: <P>I could type for weeks about inlaws who accept cheating realitives.<P>I truely think families should be there for each other. But there is a big differance between support and enableing of wrong doings. <P>If my child ever came home and told me she was having an affair, I would tell her to go home and either work on her marriage or end it. I would not be a part of her deception. If she wouldn't tell her H I would. But then again I shouldn't expect this from a group of people like my H comes from as they are morally bankrupt.<P>Fingers Crossed<P>

Hi Tulip,<P>I couldn't respond last night when I first read this, as I still get too upset thinking about my out-laws !!!! LOL.......<P>I have never really got along with FIL, I was never good enough for his son, however, we had a civil, cordial relationship, and sometimes did nice things for each other.<BR>However, he would also leave the table after a lovely, lot of effort dinner, and walk out the front door, without so much as a goodbye.<BR>He would quite often ignore what I said, by pretending he didn't hear.....<BR>If HE didn't want to visit, they wouldn't visit... the list goes on and on<P>MY MIL, I thought I had a good relationship with her. I quite often told her I loved her, at the end of ph conversations etc. We did things together, go to the ballet, art shows, shopping etc. I felt like she fully accepted me, and I was the daughter she never had.<P>HOWEVER, with all this sh.. going on, FIL hasn't spoken to me since I left Melb, which was Sept. 2, and then I had an arguement with MIL on ph. and she hasn't spoken to me since late Nov. She did send a Christmas present - 3 pots of home made jam. She knows I don't even like the stuff, however, she probably didn't have anything at all for me, and quickly raided her pantry. That was all she could come up with.....<P>I am so hurt by their attitude. Their son decided to leave the marriage, found someone else he preferred to be with, and so I left. My reason for leaving Melb was that I had no family there, and boy, did I need my family.<BR>They can't see that. They only see that I didn't work hard enough on my marriage (they actually said that to me) and that I have taken their only 2 grandchildren 1000 miles away.<P>My MIL did say to me in our last conversation in Nov. that they were there to support me, and would have supported me, but silly me, I chose my family over them. Silly silly me. <BR>I guess I have always thought that actions speak louder than words, and their actions towards me have been reprehensible. I have never at any stage said anything like 'you can't ph your grandchildren, you can't see your grandchildren' etc etc<P>I even said to MIL that if she wanted to visit us here, she was always welcome. How much more could I do ????<P>At the end of the day, they support their son, which is the way it should be. Families should stick together, and mine certainly do.<BR>However, I didn't do anything wrong. I was willing to go to counselling, I wanted my marriage, I wanted my marriage to work, and I wanted my H. He simply didn't want me. Simple as that. They choose not to see that.<P>That is their problem now. They don't even ph for their grandchildren as they must be so 'frightened' of having to speak to me.<P>Oh boy, could I go on and on and on with this topic.<P>Contrast their behaviour, with my parents. My H was with us here for Christmas, he got lovely presents, they made him feel welcome, we actually even laughed with him. Big big difference. My mother's attitude is that if we reconcile, they have not judged, and have not said or done anything to get in the way of that. And all this, while still comforting me, and supporting me. What a woman... My mother is amazing. She is even sending him a bday card next week. His parents chose to forget mine last week.<P>Anyway, I have dealt with them, by not dealing with them. I simply have no contact. But again, I have never stopped them from contacting their grandchildren. It is their choice not to do so.<P>It is also quite bizarre that I can have a friendly conversation with their son, the one who did all this, and the one who created all this mess and upheaval, yet they cannot talk to me.<P>Can't figure that one.<P>I probably havent' been much help, and I;m sorry for your situation. I actually wasn't going to respond to you, as I knew that once I got going, my post could make for very very very long reading ...... LOL I try not to talk about them at all. <P>Take care of you, and try not to let them upset you. Hard I know.<P>Big hugs for you<P>Jo

The really bad thing about these in-laws is that after you have been dumped all over by your H, they come along and add all this salt to the wound. It's hard enough to take all the justification by the betrayer, without having to hear all your faults from people who never lived with you and have believed all the lies the betrayer told to justify their own actions. My ex-MIL told me my H has never been happy with me and his love for me just died because I was so awful to live with. The funny thing is, when they first learned of the affair, they were so shocked, and their first response was,"We thought you were both so happy." All my ex had to do was tell them a few lies and they swallowed them hook, line, and sinker and completely turned against me. My ex spends every moment he can with OW, practically lives with her, and they still maintain that she had nothing to do with him leaving. Even though he didn't leave until I caught him cheating. They also say he didn't leave his kids, he just left me! They think he is a great father and would do so much for his kids, but I stand in the way. This is a man who never checks to see if we're o.k. and doesn't even make sure the kids bathe in the little time he does have them. When we agreed on visitation, he didn't even ask for more time with them. He has them alternate weekends from Friday, 6:00 p.m. to Sat 9:00 p.m. Now they say he had a bad lawyer and that is why he didn't get more time.<P>Sorry, but this issue drives me crazy!<P>AD<P> <P>

I feel so sad reading this. My mother in law has been such a big part of my support group since this all started. In the past 10 years, we've had our moments but I have always been very close to her. <P>She listens and cries with me. She has told me and my H that she will not support him. The only help she will give him is a place to stay if he chooses. She said she will not help him out financially and that the OW is not welcome in her house. That makes me feel really good. She told me that my H and the OW are slowly destroying her grandchildrens lives and she wants no part of it. And she has stuck to it.<P>I'm so sorry the in-laws in your lives chose not to be supportive of both sides. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Hey Tulip,<P>I have the same problem with the in laws supporting the W in her "friendship" with the OM. Val must have blown a rather large amount of smoke up their [censored] for them to buy into the story. She supposedly is living with them now. Prior to finding out about this I would call over there, when she was visiting and Daddy always had a not so believable story as to where she was. He lied to my face, well, my ear, but, you know what I mean. They helped her to cover her tracks.<P>I spoke to FIL a few times following discovery day. He feels for me but just can't reach me. Says he'll chat about other things but would rather not hear about the problems. He [censored] footed around telling me that he had an affair years ago. He didn't come out and say it in so many words but the inferance was there.<P>Her Mom would always come out and talk to me when I would drop mail off on the porch. All I wanted to do was drop the damned stuff off and get out. Now I just remail it and have changed her address. That was very uncomfortable, not changing the address, chatting with MIL. She is very nice and treated me like a son in law. Oh, wait I was, am.. Anyway Dolores is a few fries short of a happy meal. Not the brightest crayon in the box. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. You get the idea. She tells me not to dwell on it. Hey, that's a great idea. Don't dwell on the fact that my W is dating someone else. Why didn't I think of that? Now I feel much better.<P>No, you are not the only one to have in laws that support the immoral behavior of their children. I pity my kids. If they even think of trying this infidelity [censored] the old man is not going to look the other way or support them. <P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Thanks so much for all your comments. I know that blood is thicker than water, and I expect them to still love their son, etc., but to be supportive of this kind of behavior is way beyond me. I guess I should have expected this as my fil had many affairs when he was younger. Who knows? Maybe he still is having affairs <P>After I was arrested for harassment, the police officers were very nice and gave me lots of advice. They felt my H ought to be ashamed of himself. I am 5'1" and my H is 6'3". The officers said "In a situation like this, you always see the true colors of everyone involved." I have come to believe this to be true. <BR>

true colors is so true, Tulip.<P>I need say no more.<P>Big hugs to you<P>Jo

Wow, thought I was only one with this problem. They would have the to of the meet at their house and when i called lie to me and say he wasn't there. Tey gave her their car to come here to meet himbehind my back, he says it's love and support for their son, I say it revenge and backstabbing, ut the best thing you can do is give it all up to God let him have the last laugh, it works, regina

Regina, <P>It seems like this is a common problem, but I think you are right about letting God handle it. The low values and morals that people hold today just amaze me. My inlaws attend church regularly, so I wonder what they are thinking on Sunday morning. I doubt it is about their behavior!

My FIL passed away 4 years into our marriage. Infact one week before our 7 year old was born. My MIL has always treated me coldly. My stbx's sisters (2) both worked with me for a few years and we had a wonderful relationship. His brothers were all very kind to me and treated me and the girls with respect. Now....none will talk to me. The fun loving person that they all liked.....now is a total mental freak. When I found out about my stbx affair.....I talked to his mother. She asked me if I could forgive him and if he was with her right now and was HE divorcing me. She seemed so supportive, but when he called her later that day she said that the only reason I called her was to embarrass him and that I was a cruel person. He has his family convinced that I pushed him away....that he didn't have an affair and that I have been mean to him for so many years that he fell out of love with me. I can only expect his family to support him, but they have crossed the line with their behavior toward "our" children. Our oldest is nine and she received 2 christmas present from his mother in 9 years. A book and a box of Fruit Roll Ups. They all think it is so funny to spread rumors about me in the town that we both grew up in. I would/could never do that. He is the father of our children and I would just rather keep my mouth shut. I know so many family secrets....some that even my H doesn't know. Somedays, I could just cry at the way my H and his family have helped ruin two beautiful childrens lives. They have no sense....no morals.....and their value system needs a big update. They think it is ok for him to parade around with OW and probably have already met her and accepted her into their family. YUK

My inlaws have been great to me. But om's mother had my x(prior to her being my x for a week at her house and wanted my kids to go too) This week, my x is visiting om's grandchildren.<P>I feel sorry for om's wife. I haven't contacted her since Dec because she ended up telling her h I said about my then w.