ahhh, upbringing and lying.<BR>It seems that the people who took the time to teach their kids gentle lessons about lying (in the above threads) are doing a great job. Authoritarian punishment, on the other hand teaches them how to lie real good (what if the 6yo with blush on had just been slapped and sent to her room for the night? what do you think she would learn about lying? how to do it better!-how to avoid mom at all and sneak out of the house as a teenager...how to get revenge for harsh punishment).<BR>My H, the lyin' king, remembers being beaten all the time, for every little thing. His father did not value him, so he has learned not to value himself, and he lies to make up for the low self-esteem. (he claims to just not remember details-though he works in a very detail oriented profession-but whenever he tells a story, it is always in his favor. if he did not remember the truth, then I would assume details would only be 50/50 in favor of him, yeah?).<BR>He has a conscience, so he thinks his lies have protected me, in the way he thinks his own lies have protected himself...from being beaten as a kid, and from the ensuing low self-esteem.<P>So what am i getting at here?<BR>"gentle lessons" when kids do something wrong, help them internalize morals (and feel the guilt that will prevent further wrongdoing), whereas punishment lets them know that they can do whatever they want, if the punisher doesn't catch them (and if they are caught, it's just another spanking, so what?).<P>just my 2 cents

Brilliant, love was blind.<P>I think as a kid my H was kind of ignored by well meaning parents and not given the moral lessons he needed.<P>I think his lying would be the more conflict avoiding type partly because he wouldn't want to hurt someone. I think he has a disconnect in his ability to understand how his actions affect others. He is so used to being self sufficient, he doesn't want constraints and he doesn't want to constrain...therefore avoid at all costs (even denying) in order to deep the status quo and avoid unpleasantness.<P>It may be easier for him to do because he was not giving gentle lessons in truth telling as primary...so he doesn't feel the same twinges of guilt at a mistruth.<P>How much more exagerated in a child who is actually punished without learning the more important moral lesson.<P>Great insight!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If they are conflict avoiders, then they should avoid the whole issue that brings the conflict up, shouldn't they? Or is that just too sensible?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR> <BR>I think conflict avoiders do not know how to resolve conflict, they run from it and blame others, and have angry outbursts sometimes because a good offense is a good defense.<P>I lovebusted this morning, and called my husband a conflict avoider..... He said "your new word from marriage builders?" lol I said to him a real conflict avoider doesn't have the skills to resolve conflict. We need to work on that, don't ya think?<P>Didn't soften the blow much. Oh well. <P>I think if a liar is a conflict avoider they are running from the truth if the truth creates conflict.....<P>That was hard to say - kinda tongue twisting....