It has been about 1.5yrs sinc I found out about her affair and almost 1yr. since she "stopped" seeing him. I believe she has broke it off but at times I do wonder (normal trust building I guess). I still ask her things about it all and I believe that she has told me almost everything. She swears that she didn't have sex with him, but she did tell me that her shirt was off and her pants were unzipped, but that was as far as it supposedly went. I almost believe that, but I tell her it is hard to believe that you had that kind of will power to stop when you were drunk and alone with him, when you couldn't stop seeing him when I asked you to! She typically replies with well I don't know what to tell you. The other day I asked her if there was anyone (from her past) that she looks back on and wishes she had sex with them, she replied the OM. I asked her if she had regret for not doing it and she said yes! My question is, should I encourage her to go sleep with him (under certain conditions) to get rid of the regret she has over it so we can move on with our marriage? What I am trying to avoid, is 2,5 or 10yrs down the road her looking back and having regret for not sleeping with him and taking it out on me by cheating again with him or someone else. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What did you do? Am I wrong for thinking this way? Thinking about it she will have regret either way she decides to go, but in a way if she didn't it would definately prove her loyality to this marriage. Any thoughts?

NO!!!!<P>Your job here is to eliminate love busters, and start meeting your wife's needs in the way that she wants them met. So that those "wishes" that she has will fade.<P>If the affair is truly over, you would be encouraging her to start it up---a sure recipe for disaster. If it's not over, then you still gain nothing by "approving". Either way, you're primary focus should be on working on lovebusters and meeting her needs.

K,<BR>Well I have asked her what I have done wrong and what I can do to improve my part in the marriage, she says nothing you are a great husband. You don't drink, you don't beat me, you always willing to talk to me when I come to you, you are always here for the kids, you have always supported me with whatever I did, you hold a good job, you have given the children & I a good family life, you buy me nice things, you are a good lover, and ask for very little in return. So K, please answer me where my love busters are? And also tell me what I have done wrong to this woman? It is the truth, the whole time I have given her everything I had(or have) and just ask her to be happy and honest with herself and then with me & the children. Does this sound like a love busting husband? We did counseling (several different ones) and it did more damage than good. <P>And really, when she is looking back with regret isn't the affair still going although they may not be in physical contact? It really sucks to sit there and know she is thinking about him, I can tell it is written all over her face so to say. Any thought's on this one?

Robert,<P>Definately no! <P>She regrets not sleeping with him because a) she is still attached to him, and b) your not serving all her needs. Don't blame yourself for that, and don't blame her. She probably doesn't know what her real needs are.<P>You might try one of Dr. Harley's books such as His Needs/Her Needs, or a similar book by another other. These books guide a couple through a process where you analyse your relationship, come to an understanding of your needs and hers, and how to meet your spouse's needs. It sounds like you two are still somewhat blind as to the true nature of your relationship and your problems. <P>Thee is a difference between good therapy and bad: bad therapist get you to talk about your past troubles, but never focus on what you want & need for the future. Good therapists don't dwell on the past, because you can't change it. A good therapist will direct your attention to the future, what you want, and how to avoid the past mistakes. Find a therapist who describes himself/herself as solution oriented. Avoid old fashioned psychodynamic types, or current fad types. Ask them what their success rate is in saving marriages. If they don't have an answer to that one, then they're not likely to be of help to you.<P>Bottom line: be her husband.

<BR>Robert,<P>Think of your marriage as a house that had a fire (an affair), but it didn't burn down.<P>Telling her to go sleep with a former OM is like walking into the burned area of the house, seeing a few smouldering embers, and then dumping five gallons of gasoline on the embers.<P>Don't be surprised if the house subsequently burns to the ground.<P>Bystander<BR>

I hear what all of you are saying, it makes me sick to even think about telling her that. At times, it just makes me feel like it is the only way to put total closure to the whole damn thing and we could move on and enjoy our family. If she did accept, then that would answer what her choice is, instead of being wishy-washy. If she didn't accept then that would show her commitment to our marriage and making it work. Maybe, it is the wrong way of thinking but, in my situation, it seems like the only way I would, could, or might have a chance to find out if she is lying or is just with me because of the stability I offer. Hard to explain, I guess until you have been here. Anyone been in my shoes?

<BR>Robert,<P>I read in your writing a desire for two things: (a) closure from the affair, and (b) a guarantee that it won't happen again.<P>Closure comes from being a good husband, and letting time do its work for you. If you're a good husband long enough, she'll realize the magnitude of what she risked losing by having an affair on you. At that point, her regret will turn into lifetime of quiet remorse.<P>The second one, a guarantee that she won't cheat again, doesn't really exist. You're arguing that telling her to do something that you believe is profoundly wrong (sleep with the OM) will kill her sense of regret. But it strikes me as equally likely, sitting way out here in the Cheap Seats(tm), that she'll take your "OK" to have sex as an Affair License. I can imagine her saying to the next prospective OM, "Don't worry, Big Boy. My husband's cool with it - he was the last time, anyhow."<P>In short, I think telling her to have sex with the OM is a really terrible idea.<P>Bystander<BR>