Here I am home with my 4 kids and I should be focusing on them and all i seem to do is think about this mess my husband has subjected me to.<P>I keep thinking that I shouldn't be so selfish and see what he is done to me. After all if I met his needs this would not have never happened. But you know what, this really makes me madder than you know what.<P>Our problems were two-sided and he certainly has some of the blame. <P> I was able to say he made a mistake and me too and lets work on it together to fix,When I fisrt found out I beleived everything he said, just happened the once and it just happened and it never meant anything. He drank too much etc.<P>But 5 months later finding out he lied and lied and lied and lied while he was trying to fix things and I was trying to be a better wife and meet all his needs, I can no longer be so willing.<P>How many times should I just let him walk over and tell me how I am so terrible only to be lied to. I have to admit I want honesty and facts from him and I love bust every time I ask.<P>How do I know he really is honest now?<P>I cannot understand and it is driving me crazy. I can not work, I can not sleep, I am not as open anymore. \\<P>What do I do, if her baby turns out to be his? I know no one can help me with the answer but it helps just to say it outloud.<P>My 4 kids deserve better, I deserve better but at what expense? If I stick it out my kids will have a nice home and 2 parents. If I do not, we struggle everyday to live in an apartment and the only have part time parents.<P>I do not understand where my husbands head was? What was he thinking, not only has he hurt me but I though his kids were his life. I thought I was. I was wrong, even if he wont admit it, I know there wasmore to it and I need to know so I not living in wonderland anymore.

sierra, I know the need to understand is very important. We all have to a certain extent. However in my experience I found that the best way to move forward is concentrare on the present and future, trying to fix whatever needs to be fixed and for the moment allow ourselves not to understand. It will be easier and less comlicated to try to understand when things are well into reconciliation, where your H will be able to help ou understand in the event that he can understand it himself. Some things are dificult to understand because they make no sense, and that goes not only for us but for them too.<BR>The best way to find out if he's honest know is to look for patterns that can show you that he really is trying and making an effort. <BR>Communication needs to be calm and focused, it's easay to get too excited and loose perspective. I found that it was easuer for me to wait untill I could see that my H would be able to answer my questions without any trace of defensiveness, than to try to ask them anyway, lovebust in frustration because he wasn't able to answer me as I needed, and go backwards instead of foward.<BR>I still got my answers, honestly answered, but I did wait untill I saw he was able to do it the right way. It took a while, but I'm glad I waited. One of the things that helped was to write down any question I had regarding the affair and the situation I kept adding to those questions everytime something new came to mind. Sometimes I would try one and look for his reaction, if I felt he was still defensive or trying to justify himself or his actions I would back off again. Untill I got them answered. At that point , interestingly enough, some of them weren't as important to me as they were when I wrote them.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.