No longer posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

Something bothering you Arik?

Arik - I am undoubtedly not one who should counsel others, but I do want to answer your post. I understand your frustration in how you’re being treated here – a place where everyone should be able to come for understanding without the fear of being judged. The problem is we are all human, with human emotions. We are saddened to watch the death of a marriage, the loss of commitment, we hurt for Nicole, who obviously just wants to be loved by the person she loves, we are angered by your willingness to continue to disregard her, and we are afraid what is happening to her can and may happen to us. Its like watching as an impending disaster take place, knowing full well what is going to happen, but being powerless to stop it. <P>What we really want is for you to realize how much you truly love Nicole and vow to never give her reason to doubt you again. There are many reasons to feel these things, perhaps the top one is because that’s what we want to happen in our own lives. At least for me, if you feel the way you do, does that mean my own husband could feel that way too? Its an unbearable thought – far better to think that what you are feeling is an aberration. Sadly, that can’t be the case, can it? Otherwise, every betrayer would immediately end their affair as soon as their partner discovered the truth. <P>I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make, but I admit my softspot weeps for Nicole – I can’t even imagine her devastation. If I may be so bold, I would counsel you to think deeply about what you are doing to her. Sometimes we don’t see what we are doing to others until too late. Be careful of where you tread. Be even more careful of where you are leading Nicole. <P>Moira

WD,<P>Don't do it.

Arik~<BR>A repeat from the post you deleted is that you wanted the whole truth. I know my words, words that came from a very good book, hurt your little feelings. Yes, I would say this to your face. As a friend, you've asked for truthful opinions on your behavior and have gotten honest answers. I am sorry you can't handle the honesty of your life as well as Nicole is handling your dis-honesty in commitment to her and the marriage you made with her. <BR>You feel screwed up but don't want anyone else to confirm you are. Sorry, but don't ask again. You sound like the same immature child who wants it all and wants it now that you were several months ago. YOUR PROBLEM. Yes, I would tell you as a friend in a minute that your messed up and you need to get your act together before things really get screwed up for your kids as well as your own self. You wanted to know, now you do, are you mature enough to handle it??<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Arik,<P>If you and I were real world friends as opposed to cyber-aquantences, I would tell you the exact things I told you.<P>In my last post I put it as plain as I could, it doesn't matter what advice you solicit, it won't change your mind. I can accept that.<P>I empathise wioth your feelings of frustration. Hell for all we know Nicole could be a raving lunatic and you could be an unmittigated ***hole. I personaly don't think this is true. You both come across as good, caring people, that in another given situation I could be friends with. Moreover this thread drives home the point that you think of yourself as a good, caring person, that is caught in a tragic dilema. All I read in your other thread wre folks wanting you to make the decision to give Nicole and yourself the marriage you both diserve.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Being a better Arik -- I refrained from replying to the post in which you felt it necessary to delete out your comments. I did read it through from beginning to end, and from what I was able to gather, based on the replies you received, you asked that everyone be totally open with you on how they felt.<P>That is what you got. Honest opinions. Not one reply that I read had a blantant attack without the responder explaining their reasoning. Then you start this thread. . . <P>I am afraid that the first thoughts which come to my mind are simply two words . . . <P><B>GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</B><P>Now as to your threat . . . <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Well, feel as superior as you can and continue the personal attacks on me from behind that glass video display. Just rest assured that it would certainly be a different situation if we were in the same room. This I can personally GUARANTEE.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think I speak for most of the others here, both men and women, when I say, "and your point is . . . ?"Making threats against those whom you have asked to be honest with you is not only childish, but simply dispolays your level of imaturity. And as for your threat . . .<P>Send me an Email . . . I will give you my address, and the hours I am at home. Come on over and we'll talk about it. . . <P>If not, then keep the threats to yourself. Don't post threads that you know will prompt very strong emotions without expecting a response. Especially when you blantantly asked for the responses you got. Remember . . .You asked for responses.<P>God Bless<P><BR>

You say you hate being pushed by the actions of others. What do you think you are doing to your wife? She probably hates for her life to be a wreck because of the actions of you and another woman<P>AD

Arik,<P>you seem to be in a right ole mess right now...<P>Am I right.<P>I tried in my previous response to be respectful of your feelings, those feelings you have both towards Nicole and OW.<BR>Who am I to tell you how you feel, or how you should feel.<P>However, as a bystander and one not living the situation, I guess I can have an objective opinion. And I'm sorry to say, my opinion has not changed.<P>You do need to make a decision. Nicole is not going to put up with the OW being in your life, no matter how 'insignificantly'. If OW is still in your life, in any way, that is a threat.<BR>However, if you really want to be with OW, you must tell Nicole, and let her move on with her life.<P>Believe me, you men seem to think that by not speaking honestly, and trying to be gentle where our feelings are concerned, that you will hurt us women less. IT IS JUST NOT THE CASE. We are strong, and can handle it, but please, please, just tell the truth. Tell Nicole what it is that you want. However, you can't have it all, or both ways.<BR>I do speak from experience here, I'm not just on my soapbox......<P>Arik, I read your post through to the end, and even tho you did get candour, and honesty, and some words that had to be said, I didn't think the responses were half of what they could have been. For me personally, I had to read what you wrote twice, and take some deep breaths before I responded. I also had to change what I wrote, (more than once), as you do deserve respect and my friendship. (But to be honest with you, what I wanted to say was very harsh and unforgiving. I guess I was taking out my feelings for my H on you....sorry...)<P>That to me is what MB is all about.<P>Yes, we are all 'only' cyber acquaintances, however, if you and I were in the same room, I would have said the same thing. "You can't have both". I sincerely hope you wouldn't have 'knocked my block off' for saying that - you did ask for my honest comments.<P>I personally also don't think any of us here are immature, or need to grow up. I think our feelings and emotions sometimes get the better of us, and sometimes let us down. I personally have had times when I just wanted my mum..... and have said things to my H that are incredibly immature, however, it is not the real ME. It is the hurt ME, or the angry ME, that says and does things like that.<P>The same is probably true for you. You are hurting, you are hurting someone you love and you know it, and you are in the biggest mess of your life.<P>But, don't blame us for that. We offer support and friendship, and honesty. And honesty hurts sometimes. But you have to listen to it, if not from us, others will tell you also....<P>Anyway, I'm rambling now - just wanted to tell you that I, and I'm sure most others, don't think that you are a 'bad' person - just a bit misguided at the moment....<P>Take care of you, and a big hug for you<P>Jo

Sorry Arik,<P>Go back and read my post to you in the other thread. There is no mention of "loser", "pathetic" or "moron". All I see is a little understanding and compassion. And yes, I would have told you the same story if I was sitting in the same room with you. <P>And in your reply to me, you told me not to worry about hurting your feelings. No I will not hurt anyone's feelings. I've come to think of the people here as my extended family. <P>Take some time to think about what has been said to you. I'm sure you'll see that everyone here just cares about you and Nicole. They want you to just do what needs to be done to save your marriage unless you don't want to do that. It is your choice. Try to make a good one.<P>Prayers,<BR>Mitzi

No longer posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

No longer posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> The one time I called someone a Jerk, was when I felt they were being completely insensitive to my wife, in a time when she was feeling very low.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not only would I say it to your face, but if the situation weren't so revolting, I'd laugh at this as well.<P>WHO do you think has been more insensitive to her than ANYONE on this board could POSSIBLY be?<P>How low do you think she is feeling NOW?<P>Yeah, I know you were talking about me… watch while I care. I railed on D99 for months, and Carlton for weeks around here. I see D99 is back… and in his few posts, I actually detected a tint of sadness. I hope from seeing this that he has learned something; you obviously haven't. All I detect in your post is another cry from a pathetic child, trying to shift the blame away from himself by whining about people calling him names.<P>Well pal… if the name fits: wear it.<P>Pathetic. Loser. Moron… they all fit. You're not worth my time (I won't lie to you though, since lying is YOUR job. I'd love to draw your name in a tournament sometime myself). You're certainly not worth Nicole's time… or the tears she will cry for you when you are gone.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited February 20, 2000).]

No longer posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

No longer posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

cool it guys, back to your corners...<BR>or we'll have to start posting recipes! And that ain't no idle threat... I've got a resh rebbit recipe that will make you both so sick you won't be able to focus on a computer screen for a week... you DON'T ever want to see Resh Rebbit...<P>Seriously though... this is a tension filled board under the best of circumstances and although Arik did ask for honest replies, I think that they should be tempered and exclude name calling and denigrations... Good solid advice is why we are here after all.<P>As for the tourney, can I get a go at the winner? <P>Now, onto my advice...<P>Arik, I for one will not tell you what to do or who to love or any of that... except for one thing. TAKE CHARGE of your situation!!!! You have posted many times that you need to be in control, and I think that may be one of the reasons you are having such a hard time... you are not in control right now, you are sitting smack dab on the middle of the fence. You need to evaluate your situation and then act on it. Obviously it can't continue as it has been. Figure out what is important to you and place all your bets there. If it's your marriage, then you know what you have to do - there will be sacrifices to be made, but at least it will be your decision to make them. If not, then there too there will be sacrifices, but again, at least it's your decision.<P>They way things are going, you will lose control irrevocably... and the decision will eventually be made for you. That will suck.<P>Just my two cents. <P>Deut

Dear Arik,<BR> I am not sure why, but I feel like I must post replies to you, and I pray that someone, somehow will be able to help you.<BR> I do understand the feelings you have about being bashed here, but you must understand that everyone is trying to help save your marriage.<BR> I remember alot of horrible painful things that happened between my husband and myself during his affair and our early attempts at fixing what was wrong in our marriage, and I do believe we have changed enough to make it all the way, but let me worn you, that although I have totally forgiven him for how he acted during his affair, I still struggle with the contact he made with her after.<BR> I can still see in vivid color the day I found out he had called her after he came home and the lies that followed.<BR> I still sometimes struggle with the fact that he was willing to let me hurt so much, just to remain friends with the woman who helped ruin our lives.<BR> He ended up getting fired from a great job, because of his affair, but I unfortunatley still work for the same company she does and we can't even go to the company picnic or dances because she might be there.<BR> I wish I could get Ron to tell you how he feels now that he looks back on his mistakes.<BR> He calls it his bad brain time, and even he can't understand how he sat back and allowed all the pain to come into our lives.<BR> Sometimes when I get tired or upset he can't take it, he gets so worried that someday I will change my mind and he will finaaly loose me and his kids.<BR> I know that will never happen, but I will tell you that I would have healed alot sooner and had alot less pain if he had been able to realize his mistakes sooner.<BR> Arik, I have know alot of people in my life and afew have been where you are, but you must realize that no one is getting any good out of your continued contact with her.<BR> If she was a truley wonderful person she would not have been there to help you ruin your life and cause all this confusion in your heart.<BR> You say she lives 1000 miles away, well your wife and kids are right here with you and beleive me they can help you with your pain and you will be so much happier when you finally close the door and start healing your heart.

No longer posting.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

No longer posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Being a better Arik (edited February 21, 2000).]

No desire to fight you here, and yes, I personally feel safer behind *my* keyboard saying some of the things I say... <P>Arik, go love your wife. Dump OW. Or... dump your wife. Love the OW. Can't have it both ways.<P>God, one day you will look back at this time and kick yourself. I guarantee it. <P>Take care. If not of yourself, of Nicole and your kids. Please.