I am so depressed today. H moved out last Friday because I asked him to. I just couldn't take him openly dating OW and not coming home the night before. I find myself extremely lonely and the depression is closing in. I asked him to date me this Saturday night and he actually said he had to think about it! He will give me an answer tonight when he drops the kids off back at home. You would think after 15 years of marriage he wouldn't need 24 hours to consider going out to dinner with me. Anyway I've been fighting the urge to call OW all day. She used to be my friend, still lives next door to me in fact, her kids are my kids friends etc. so I have all of her phone numbers. I want to call her cell# and leave a message while she's at work. I want to tell her that I still love my husband and that what she is doing is still hurting me beyond belief. I then want to ask her to do the honourable thing and let my Husband 'find' himself all by his self. Should I continue to fight the urge? Would that just give her more amunition to keep my H? She threatened last summer to put a restraining order on me, although I've never done anything other than yell at her when the affair started 7 months ago. Would this accomplish what I hope it would? What should I do?

sadwife, don't do it. DOn't show her how vulnerable you are. She might use it against you.<BR>Don't let her know how she can affect you and your well being and don't give her more power.<BR>The best solution is to let her feel as insecure about the whole situation as you are.<BR>I admit some op might "see the light" but many won't. After all being your friend and all, and still having an affair with your H doesn't say much about her code of morals, having threatned you with a restraining order doesn't look too good either. What do you expect her to do if you call? Bow gracefully and get out of the picture?<BR>Think about it. I know how it feels, just a phone call, just so she knows what she's doing to me... but does she care?<BR>I know of some op that actually thrived in getting information about the situation from the hurting spouse, so they could use it to their advantage.<BR>Please reconsider and don't call her.<BR>try to do something that will keep you occupied, get away from that phone.<BR>Don't give her any information, don't ask her questions, show a calm and secure front. She won't know what's true and seing you calm will confuse her.<BR>Please take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

I agree, don't do it. You will regret it later. She knows what she has done and is just as selfish as H for what is happening. I know it hurts, Where is H living?? Why are you asking for a date, is that the best thing to do right now?? I am no expert in this, just wondering, do you feel he wants the date, or that will confuse him more?? Good luck, keep busy, but don't call OW.

Kat1, you're right she won't care, obviously if she did she wouldn't have had the affair with my husband and cheating on her own too! Thanks, I needed the encouragement.<P>lonelymom, H is living at his empty Mom & Dad's house right now (5 blocks away). I think he is interested in dating me - it hasn't been that long since he slept beside me. However, he tells me he is confused right now and I think he doesn't want to give me false hopes. He says he thinks he is being fair to me this week, because he isn't hiding anything right now and he probably thinks he's being noble by not kissing me anymore. Anyway I will take your adivce and stay away from the phone it probably won't achieve what I'm looking for anyway. <P>Thanks for being there for me.

I agree with the others--Don't give her the satisfaction of her thinking you are concerned. I also think I would cancel the "date" and tell him that perhaps you could meet over dinner next week to dicuss future financial and childcare arrangements. Act confidant and let him wonder why the sudden change . Maintain dignity and self respect!

I have to say something about the betrayers, why do they always say they "don't want to give us false hopes" when they don't want to do something. My H said he didn't know if we should continue sleeping together after I found and and he didn't know if we were going to work out. I said to him, ok, take away the one good thing we've got going for us and you might as well throw in the towl now, don't bother! That night he slept with me and held me tight and the next morning he said that he thought he was crazy to even have thought he COULD sleep without me. The thing is that he always is right up next to me, almost on top of me and uses me like a pillow, I can't even turn over without him wrapping himself around me. <BR>So, what is so wrong with your H spending some time with the one good thing he has in his life right now, the mother of his kids? I know he's confused but if you put it that way, he knows there's an emotional investment in this that he needs to put some time into.<BR>I don't know how you can stand even living next door to this woman, I think I would be on pins and needles day and night, bless you, child, how do you do that?????? You certainly must be a better person than I am! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

Thanks for all of your support today. I did it! I didn't call her, I called and moved up my appointment with my counsellor instead. I feel as if I accomplished something!!!<P>Living next door to her IS difficult, I sometimes find myself obsessed with who's car is in their driveway - hers or her husbands. They are sort of separated right now too, her h was out last night so when I tried to reach my H at 10:30pm and the line was busy I knew he was talking to her. You know the funning thing is I'm one of her son's cub leaders. Last night when she picked him up she kept her face hidden in her car and made her son come to her. I mean the whole situation is SO absurd. Her son and my 2nd son are best friends. When the cubs went on a field trip, her son wouldn't ride with me and my son and went in another vehicle instead. Her son is over at my house frequently and will speak to me, laugh at my jokes etc. but I thought it strange that he ditched my vehicle at the last minute. How strange am I, I'm concerned for her kids almost as much as mine. Although I have watched them grow up for the last almost 7 years, her and her husband were always sticking us with babysitting.<P>Anyway mission accomplished, I didn't make a fool of myself (today anyways). I'm going to work late tonight so I don't have to be in my empty home for too long. I spoke with the kids on the phone after school and that cheered me up. I can hardly wait until 8pm when I can hug them!<P>Thanks EVERYONE!