keystone,<P>I hope your weekend was good. I hope things with your W stayed on that positive level that you had from V-day. <P>Well I think things here are getting worse. I really don't know what to think of whats been going on lately. <P>H hasn't talked to me since early last week. H hasn't talked to D's either. He just sits around with headphones on all the time and ignores everyone, or watches Tv or is on the computer. <P>I have been doing much better though and I feel like I said before that H doesn't like this in me. But I'm starting to realize that I have to do this to keep sane from all of this. <P>I am still not LBing and still going about my day as normal. I have dinner waiting for him when he comes home and the house is spotless(and thats tough with 2 kids!!), so he can't complain about that. I have been nice and even started some discussions(not about the relationship, just everyday type stuff) to which he is either silent or he walks away. I even went so far as to tape a race for him that I knew he wanted to watch while he was at work. I kind of got yelled at for that one! Go figure!<P>Saturday I took the girls to the skating rink(like every Sat.) and it was closed so we decided to stop at a store, which in turn made him even madder. Its ok for him to go out and not come home for hours but I'm not suppose to. And to think I had the girls with me, so H knew I wasn't doing anything wrong.<P>Sunday I called Calif. to speak to my Aunt, my Uncle has been very sick and when I got off the phone I told H about what was going on. He said to me that I never told him that my Uncle was in the hospital. Now, I sat here when I got the email about this and read it to him, but I have come to realize hes just not listening to what I have to say, which I've known for a long time. As I was talking he got up and walked away and came on the computer. I didn't LB I just let him go. <P>I told you I check my computer before logging on. Well, I found H had looked up divorce in NJ(our state), while he was on that night. I guess this is what he is planning. I really don't know.<P>I spoke to my girlfreind(the one iming with him) the other day and I told her that it upset me and I am positive now that she has not mentioned anything I said to her to him. The weird thing is the night before he looked up divorce he told her he had a lot of work to do on this marriage but he knew he could make it work and get things back on track. That he needed to fix some things that were wrong with him first and he was working on it. Well I guess he is giving up on that.<P>I'm taking it one day at a time and keeping my spirits up. I also am trying to stay one step ahead of him on this one. I have to protect me and our girls. <P>Side note: The emails with the old HS friend are just basic hows work, hows school and about the kids. I haven't discussed anything about what is going on with H. They have stopped recently due to the fact I don't have a lot of time online with the girls home. <P>Well, I'm off to take the girls out for the day. I'll check back later.<P>Have a good week.<P>falsely accused<P>

FA --<P>Sorry it's been such as bad weekend. Can't say mine was much better. Seems like the rollercoaster has been put back in motion.<P>Do keep up with the things you're doing to protect yourself and your d's. Also, keep your confidence up. It sounds like you're doing what you can, so keep doing it. You seem to be more patient than I am about not LBing. I don't have that ability. I know that I'd explode. Don't follow my lead!<P>I've got to attend to some things here at the office, so I cannot talk for now. I'll try to check back in a couple of hours and give you a real response.<P>Hang in there...<P>--keystone

FA --<P>Hope it's not too late to respond. Things have been hectic around here, particularly with the long weekend.<P>Have you read either of "Surviving an Affair" or "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Harley. Interesting books. <P>One of the main topics is what emotional needs each partner needs to find satisfaction in a relationship. Communication is a biggie. Would your H be open to reading one of these? I guess not since you had no response when trying to get him to react to the EN questionaire.<P>Communication is a two way thing. Talking is only half of it. Is there a way to get him to listen without even being aware of it?<BR>Sounds stupid, but if given the pportunity to listen, maybe he can start to communicate on a more meaningful, sincere way. Perhaps it starts with talking about something than interests him. The race that you taped should have provided him with one of those opportunitites. It's a shame that he didn't see it that way, nor that he thought to thank you for thinking about HIM.<P>Think seriously about counseling. Not with him, just you. Maybe in time, he'll open up enough and see that he needs to go, too.<P>The fact that he was researching divorce is sad, but I have to admit, I looked into it as well. Not seriously, but in a cursory manner. At the very least, it means things are serious for him, too. Now, it's just getting him to open up and talk about it. It's not easy, it's not going to reveal alot of fun stuff, but it needs to happen for the healing to begin. I know it wasn't easy with my W, but then again, she spent the whole time dishing me, without acknowledging ANY responsibility whatsoever. I'll take the blame -- but, I want to know that if I'm willing to "change for the better", I can get the feedback to tell me if I'm progressing or regressing. I never got or get that from her.<P>I'm glad to see that you're keeping some distance with the IM's to your old HS friend. I'm sure it's tough, since it appears you have a real, warm bodied adult to communicate with -- something your H isn't offering right now. Hang tough, though. Once you cross the line with your friend, you cannot go back.<P>The weekend was very wierd. Not a lot of communication (sound familiar?) from my W. Pretty much sat and read her book in the other room. My D was sick with a cold, but was still very active (b'day party, etc.). I sat and goofed around with the kids, ran errands, did marketing, etc. And she read her book. <P>Last week, she talked about getting a sitter for one night this past weekend, but didn't follow through. I guess I should have taken the initiative myself and done it. It's my fault that I didn't. Kinda like your H, I guess. Sometimes you gotta take your own cue. I didn't. I guess working 70+ hours last week allowed me the right to let her handle it. I was wrong.<P>We did see a movie Sunday night -- a video. She and the kids had picked movies Sunday afternoon. Although I went with them, and looked with them, I was never brought into the equation regarding which movie I would like to see. I didn't want "final choice" in the matter. But I wasn't given any "voice" at all.<P>Then, when the movies were over, back she went into the other room, alone, reading her book. Three days off, and that's about the extent of the contact.<P>FYI, today was the 20th anniversary of when I first dated my W. I wished her a happy anniv via e-mail today. No flowers -- didn't want to spook her. <P>This is an occassion that she usually beats me to in acknowledging. I think she forgot about the date, actually, so it may have jarred her a bit. Didn't rank for a phone call, though. Just an e-mailed response back to me. Nothing special, either.<P>How things change.<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>Well,what can I say at least you remembered and she did actually acknowledge you back. Maybe not in the manner in which you had hoped but she did.<P>What you said about allowing her to handle it because you worked 70+ hours a week. I think thats what my H feels too. Sometimes its nice to be able to rely on you guys to handle things like that. Maybe she felt because you did work a lot last week maybe you really weren't interested in going out or that you might be too tired.JMO!<P>I too love to read in fact I just finished my book today. Sometimes us women get so caught up in a book that we will push aside certain things. I know this is no excuse for your W, but I happened to be up half the night last night because of this book. I try to put it down when I have to but sometimes I just can't. At least she did take the time to watch the movies with all of you. <P>Well your right about my H not reading the books. He doesn't read anything at all really except maybe the paper. He just not a reader I guess. Not a listener and not a communicator either!<P>I really don't know how to even begin communicating with him at this time. I have tried all sorts of things, like tonight when he came home an hour or so ago. I made sure the girls were in bed and the house neat amd I was off the computer. I was sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of tea. He did sit with me for a few minutes but didn't say a word, we didn't even look at each other and then he got up and said I have to go to bed. I said ok I'll be in after I finish my tea. Well, he falls asleep in 5 minutes so I decided to come in on the other computer because he was sleeping already. So much for tonight! <P>As far as him looking up divorce, I don't know whether he was using it as a scare tactic or what. I do admit tonight I did some research of my own, but I have to in order to stay one step ahead. <P>I guess we both are staying on the rollercoaster for now. How much longer is anybodies guess?<P>Lets just keep our thoughts up and take it a day at a time.<P>falsely accused <P>

so....I am coming out out of no where to ask... what is it you guys (falsley accused and Keystone's wife) are reading that is SO good. Sorry, I know this is off topic, but I just couldn't resist...I wanted the name of a book someone would sit around all weekend and read or stay up all night for <P>Chin up!<p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited February 22, 2000).]

Susan, <P>Anything Danielle Steele does it for me! But I just love to read so it can be anything.<P>falsely accused

Susan --<P>Long time no talk. Hope all is going well with you...<P>My W is reading just about anything and everything. Belongs to a "bookclub" with a bunch of girlfriends. Each month, one of the members suggests another book. Not sure what she's reading now. That probably means that I'm not being attentive despite the fact that I've seen that book jacket alot more than my W!<P>FA --<P>I'd love to read. I don't have the time. I always thought that the idea was to spend my off hours with my W and kids, giving them attention. I think burying my nose in a book might been seen as not giving them the respect they need and/or deserve.<P>My W is always reading these days. Last two years, she's gotten on a kick. To an extent, I am convinced that it allows her to withdraw enough to ignore our problems. <P>An example: If I'm up, I may remain in the family room hoping that she'll join me and watch tv, talk, whatever. I'll sometimes even stay up late (past 10pm when you're up at 4am starts getting late) to provide the opportunity. She'll remain in the other room and read. The minute I leave to go to bed, or simply to go into the other room, she'll put the book down and go to the family room where she'll turn on the tv. She's dodging me, plain and simple.<P>It sends a very clear message to me. She doesn't want to be around me. If it was her friends -- particularly her "other sex friends" -- that book wouldn't come off the coffee table. She'd be total involved with them!<P>Re: the baby sitter...<P>She had volunteered to contact a sitter for the weekend. I told her that it was a great idea, and would love to go out with her alone. It died there.<P>Again, I don't think she welcomes the opportunity to be alone with me any longer. The fire is gone, the friendship between us is over. We're merely co-existing under the same roof. That "high" that I was on going into the long weekend has disappeared. Separation appears the only way to move on giving both of us some level of "comfort". <P>I know "comfort" is not the right word. But, to an extent, it sums up the thought!<P>I'm outta here for the night. I'll check back in the am, pst. <P>--keystone

Oops --<P>The lateness of the hour makes my brain and my CPU go haywire!!<P>--keystone<p>[This message has been edited by keystone (edited February 22, 2000).]

keystone, <P>Well I guess I was off on that assumption of your W and her reading habits. For me its a great stress relief, especially after dealing with kids all day. But then again I just didn't pick up the habit recently like your W did. I have done this since before my marriage started. I read where ever I'm more comfortable. Be it in my room or the kitchen or the livingroom. <P>As I have said before the reason I don't spend time in front of the TV with H is because the minute he sits to watch hes asleep or at least soon there after. Other times he gets so involved with what he is watching he ignores everyone or will snap at anyone who speaks. So no one in our house will be in the same room as him while he is watching TV. <P>I agree with you that your off time should be spent with the kids and your W. Unlike my H who feels his time off is his own(whens my turn???). There are some days I wish my H would just take over dealing with the kids for me when he comes home, because I've been with them all day. But that never happens in our house, kind of never did, never will type thing. <P>D#1 said something last week during our talk which really surprised me. I think this is why all this is effecting her more then D#2. She said "at least I had my father in my life for the first couple of years, *sisters name* hasn't had him in her life at all." For a child to see this it really shocked me. They are much smarter then I give them credit for and its probably the reason why it doesn't effect D#2 as much. She doesn't know any different. I really wish things would have been different from the beginning. I honestly believe he has done this because he doesn't know how to deal with children. Sometimes I think we would have been better off not having any kids, but then I would have suffered from that. <P>I do understand what you are saying about seperation. I too sometimes(especially lately) feel like this might be the best thing for us to do now. Only time will tell.<P>Well I'm off, I have an appointment this am and then I might just take the girls to the movies this afternoon. We had a fun day yesterday! We went to the mall and out to lunch and made a day of it. <P>Have a good one!<P>falsely accused

FA --<P>Sorry to hear that your d's are so defeated. It's amazing how preceptive they actual are. Little adults, rather than little kids. Things like we're all going through only make them grow up even faster.<P>Last night I had to work late. What a surprise! But, had I got a sense that my W wanted me home earlier, I would have made more of an effort to leave earlier. <P>She and the kids went to practice, then a high school playoff game. They didn't get back til about 9pm or so. I got home about 1030pm. <P>Considering that last night was twenty years since we first dated... I've had more contact with a car salesman buying a car than I did with my W. No kiss, no smile, no hug, no reaction. Twice I asked her a question, and both times she didn't react. Obviously, the tv show she was watching was real good. I didn't ask a third time. I got ready for the next day's work, then went off to shower and go to bed.<P>With an anniversary like that, I'm not gonna wait around for another twenty years.<P>I hope your afternoon was better than mine. Hopefully you saw a good movie and you and the d's got some relief from the homelife.<P>I'm going to start another thread about moving out of the house. I've got some questions and don't know a better place to ask but here.<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>You sound so defeated. I'm sorry that your W was so insensitive last night. I know the feeling you are feeling. I have said before do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? And the answer is no. <P>The other day something strange happened to me. Anger started taking over for the depression. In a way its making me stronger inside. I'm still not LBing but some things have come to my attention lately that have helped bring me to this level. <P>My appt this morning was to get my hair done(the only thing I do for myself and its every four weeks to cover the gray). The girl who does my hair happens to be a friend of my SIL(H's sister). She happened to say to me "Oh I hear *H's name* went over to S's house for Super Bowl Sunday". I said well he went over to help BIL get the virus out of his computer which happened to be passed to them when H downloaded it. Well I came to find out he sat with them and whoever else was there and watched the game. He never called to tell me he was staying there or what was going on. <P>I thought to myself now this is twice that he has done this to me over the past month. The other time was when he went to get his haircut and was gone for 3 hours(for a 15 minute haircut). <P>I got a little angry because everyday I sit here in this house and don't go out and if I do I always have the girls with me so he won't accuse me of anything. I have to be the biggest stupid @$$ I know for sitting around all the time watiting for him. I'm actually mad at myself right now for doing this to myself. <P>So as of right now I guess we are on the same wave of this rollercoaster. <P>As far as my day!!! It was great! The girls and I went to see the Tigger movie. They said they will never again see a G rated movie because they both cried. LOL The movie happened to be about Tigger wanting to find his family and he found out his family was Pooh and the gang. But they did enjoy it and it was all they talked about at dinner tonight. I'm so glad I did this with them today. <P>falsely accused

FA --<P>Gotta be quick at get off to a meeting...<P>Warning: Don't let the anger turn you into somebody you don't want to be. That's the way I got, and I created LB's at every turn. Try to be constructive and positive.<P>"Tigger" sounds great. I was hoping to get the family out to see "My Dog Spike" (I think that's it. The Kevin Bacon Movie). Supposed to be funny. Maybe a little humor will break the ice -- even if for just 90 minutes.<P>I'll check back later. Until then, hang in there and be strong for you and the kids.<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>The one thing I won't let the anger do this time is take me over. Its making me realize a lot though, and one of those things is I really have to take care of myself because no one else is going to. I think thats constructive and positive all in itself. <P>I refuse to let him get to me so that I start LBing all over the place. I don't need that in my life right now. Maybe its avoiding but right now thats what I need to do for me and the girls. <P>Tigger was great!!! We saw a preview for the Spike movie and we all were in agreement that it looks really good too. Maybe that will be the next one we go to. <P>I just came back and had to add this because it confused me a little tonight. <P>Before H left for his other job he gave me a hug, a tight one. Then when he came home from the other job, the girls and I were sitting up watching The Grammys, and he walked in and said I'm going to bed, and off he went. You would think he would sit up with us for an hour and finish watching the show with us but no. To me this is him not trying at all. But I just don't understand the hug!!<P>falsely accused<p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited February 23, 2000).]

FA --<P>I'm starting to grow angry and upset again. Remember when I warned you not to go there???<P>I'm starting to think I may have to go away from here for a while. I don't want to poison the value of this site to others with my negativity (sp?).<P>I may lurk. I don't know. Whatever happens, hang tough, be strong, protect the girls, and don't lose site of who YOU are, even though your H apparently has.<P>Just thinking...(dangerous, I know)<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>I hope your out there lurking. I know the feeling. The last time I left the site for a week or so I too was angry and didn't want it to set a mood here.<P>For some reason this time the anger that I am feeling now is a more positive anger. I guess its the fact that I know what I have to do for myself and the girls. The weird thing is I haven't felt happier in a long time. I'm not letting him get to me at all. <P>It really helps to have the girls home with me this week. I'm one of those moms that everyone considers "strange" because I love to have them home with me. If home schooling was an option thats what I would do. A girlfriend who I don't see much(because she works full time) asked me if I would start walking with her after dinner and I thought heck why not. Why should I sit here and be bummed out. So, I'm going for it. When the weather breaks here I usually am out walking(10-15 miles a day) anyway, so why not have someone to do it with. She also asked if I was going crazy yet with the girls home and I had to be honest and tell her no I love them being here! <P>At least hang around and lurk from time to time. Don't go away completely. You were really starting to build your confidence up. don't lose that even with everything that is going on. Remember you reminded me of that just about a week or so ago. <P>Whatever happens just keep being who you are! Don't let those kids down, be there for them! <P>Yes thinking is dangerous thats why I'm trying to keep it to a minimum!<P>falsely accused