As many of you know, I have been struggling a lot lately with self esteem, self confidence and just plain smiling in general.<P>I keep hearing that I need to take care of myself, build myself up, find ways to be happy.<P>I can accomplish this only when my H is out of the picture, and it scares me how much and how quickly my mood improves when I am away from him.<P>He is away at work for the next few days after having been home for almost 3 weeks. My mood started slipping almost immediately when he was home and so did my attitude at work and about life and the kids. I became very depressed and short tempered. I spent many nights trying to cry silently or hide and cry after the lights went out.<P>He is not home much now and my spirits are lifting. I had a nice conversation with my boss, he complimented my work for the past 2 days and was concerned about my health because the way I acted for the past couple of weeks.<P>I have made a decision to not bring my marriage to work with me anymore, not just the problems but that entire part of me that is my marriage. I can enjoy myself during the day when I am at work, I have all evening to be miserable and feel inferior. Since for the better part of 15 years, my marriage was my entire existance, this is very foreign to me.<P>I feel this will be better for me, but may be the final straw for marriage. By realizing how happy I can be outside my marriage I become far more aware of how unhappy my marriage is.

Lulu,<BR>I have to disagree. As long as you and your H have identified the problems in your marriage and are both trying to meet each other's most important emotional needs, there is nothing that says you can't also try to meet some of those needs in additional ways or other less important needs (as long as it doesn't involve an OP - but you knew that already).<P>Keep in mind that your marriage is only once part of your life and existence. And I realize that so many of us (even us alleged "modern women" with careers and/or choices to be home) draw a big part of who we are from our role as a partner in a marriage. But think back to what you did, what you enjoyed, what you dreamed before you were married. Are any of those things still appealing to you? Can you re-find some of those interests/passions? This does not have to be mutually exclusive of rebuilding your marriage - in fact I believe it puts you in a stronger position to do so because you will not be relying so heavily on the marriage and relationship to make you happy. I do not know if this is really an MB sanctioned approach but it is something I have always believed.<P>Think about it - I do know these other sources of happiness are not substitutes for a satisfying love and relationship, but I think that a shift in focus may allow you to see things differently.<P>Take care,<BR>Starpony<P>

Starpony, you mentioned<P>**************************************<BR>But think back to what you did, what you enjoyed, what you dreamed before you were married. Are any of those things still appealing to you? Can you re-find some of those interests/passions?<BR>***************************************<P>A main problem I am having is that there wasn't anything before my marriage. I was a high school sweetheart, teenage bride. I'm having to start from scratch.<P>I do find comfort in the fact that I am considered competent and capable by others, but it doesn't make it any easier to be belittled and insulted by my H.<P>It is a confusing issue for me. Harley stresses Quality Time and doing everything with your spouse and I find that just beats me down and that the time I spend away is the only thing that makes me feel better about me.<P>I have feared all along that the only help for myself would be to separate from my H. I don't know how to work him into my "Happiness" equation.

TLL, i know exactly how you feel. When H and I were seperated I was such a happier person. I was having fun with friends and would feel better about myself. Don't get me wrong I thought about H 100% of the time. But I wasn't negative, mad or hurt. I would have moments when It would bring me down, but it didn't bring me to tears. Maybe time away is what you need for YOURSELF, so that YOU can rebuild your self-esteem and realize as I have, that I am worthy of so much more. You can get a clearer head, and can grip the situations better when you feel good about yourself. So don't feel bad about enjoying your time alone. Embrace it and embrace yourself for being a stronger person that you thought didn't exist. ENJOY YOU!

Lulu,<BR>I understand totally what you are saying.<P>Accept that which we cannot change<BR>Change the things we can<BR>Have the wisdom to know the difference.<P>After trying and trying to change the things we THOUGHT we could and then accepting the things we simply couldn't, (no matter how many Plans or the effort we poured forth to do it), having our new found wisdom allows us peace and tranquility when we are apart from those things that are harmful and .....can't be changed. How can you possibly be happy if you have something (someone) is around that you KNOW is harmful to you and there is nothing more you can do to make a difference?<P>I don't think it is possible - but when the negative influence is not in our face, it is alot easier to focus on the positives in us and in our lives. Just my humble opinion.<P>Cheers and Good Luck, <BR>Lisa<BR>

I'm supposed to leave work soon and I'm dreading it. I'm thinking about just driving the opposite way home.<P>I think these things, then get a stab in my heart when I think that my H felt this way about me before during and after his affair. Should I feel more justified than he did?

Made it through the evening and am now back at work.<P>I didn't hardly even see my H and spoke to him even less.<P>I can sense that he is upset, but do not know for sure what it is.<P>I feel really good this morning and feel I will get a lot of work done. I'm not quite as tired as I have been for the past few weeks.<P>

Dear Liza, I can't agree with you more... You said exactly what I thought. Good, you cheer me up. Thank you. <P>Yes, of course I believe we should try our best and hardest to save/salvage a marriage or relationship, but if after we tried and the other side is NOT cooperating, NOT responding, NOT helpful, NOT willing... just one side effort is very hard and painful and exhausted. If we realise no matter how hard we try but the situation is still remained unchange, shall we really let ourselves stay in a 'dead-end' ??? Yes, nobody want a broken marriage/relationship - everybody want a happy ending and also want to see other people have happy endings... but if we know if we walk on the 'Path B' we can have a better and healthier and happier life, why should be cage ourselves in a painful, heartbreaking, unhealthy, unfaithful "Path A" and not move out ??? If we can change ourselves to suit our spouse's behaviour, of course it is the best solution - PEACE IN WORLD !!! But if we know we cannot change ourselves/our mind to make peace in a relationship, if we are sure we could only live in 'depression', 'stress', 'sadness', 'suspicion', 'worries'...etc... and no way out, WHY SHOULD WE STAY AND NOT MOVE OUT TO A FRESHER AREA TO BREATHE FREASHER AIR ? Physically wound can be cured, but mentally might not be cured if we unwisely cage ourselves too long in a unhealthy relationship - the damage is just TOO BIG !<P>I AM GLAD I HAVE WALKED OUT ON MY CHEATING FIANCE - I still miss him and miss our past happy memories... but so what ? I tried but he did not cooperate, all my effort is wasted. I am having a fresher air since I have left him. Good luck to all. <Vicky> <P>

But Plan B applies when the wayward spouse is not willing to give up OP. How does it apply when there is no longer another person in the mix?<P>The affair for me is now just a painful memory and a hard lesson learned about the nature and extent of my H's ego and selfishness. The unhappiness comes from the way our marriage is still progressing.<P>Can Plan B jumpstart recovery from lovebusting and incompatibility or is this a very risky step on my part. So much of my unhappiness stems from excessive demands made upon me, lack of appreciation, too much to do and not enough help, and of course the insults and belittling and a none uplifting home environment. Separation will only make those matter worse. Raising 3 emotionally distraught children on my own will be even harder than what I have to deal with now.<P>I already know he is more than willing to elsewhere for a relationship.

TLL have you talked to your H about the demands made upon you. I think you are now in the state of emotions that say, "Hey, you did this, now bow down to me and prove to me that you regret what you did". Did he ever apologize, I mean TRULY apologize? I talked with the marriage counselor about that the other day. She thinks that my H feels guilty and remorseful. BUT I DON'T think he has paid enough dues. I have to get over the I want vengence part. I may never get it or at the very lease see what others see as being remorseful. I felt that if the shoe was on the other foot, that I would be on my knees begging for forgiveness and showering him with love, affection, money whaever it took. Basically, THE BETRAYER SHOULD BE KISSING OUR ASSES to make up for it! Maybe your heart is in that place now. JMHO, of course I have been known to be wrong...NOT OFTEN THOUGH! = kidding

At first he would say he was sorry, but it felt so lame.<P>He never asked for my forgiveness because he said he didn't deserve to be forgiven.<P>But he also told me how wonderful the memories were. He would talk about her and about how great the sex was. He didn't even realize how absolutely heartless that was. He since has admitted that he was in withdrawal big time at first, even though he had ended the affair. He kept telling me he didn't feel anything for her, but his actions spoke differently.<P>Now all he shows is anger.<P>I feel he is trying to make things better, but he is still so judgemental. He decides which of my needs are rational enough to be satisfied. He is still trying to change me and "teach" me how to be more reasonable.<P>He understands physical touch and sexual needs, but feels my need for an organized house is unreasonable. <P>He feels I shouldn't complain about doing housework when I'm off, even though we both work fulltime. When he's off, he's off. He feels I'm being selfish so it is not a rational need.<P>These are basic marriage problems, not infidelity. These are emotional needs that we can't work out.<P>The affair has only made it more appealing to end the marriage.