I was reading on your post to Kam6318....Could you explain to me exactly what you are referring to in the "planning" stage with Steve Harley? What exactly is involved there and what is it that you and your wife to do "work" on your marriage that makes it much slower? Why is it faster Steve's way. Could you elaborate on this a little for me please?<P>My counselor is good and helpful, but sometimes I feel like we do a lot of "talk" to fix things and need more PLANS and action.<P>Thanks.

Susan:<P>It's "faster" if you agree to use Steve, and basically use the "shut up and do what he tells you to approach". The MarriageBuilder's approach to restoring romantic love in a marriage is behaviorally based---you learn behaviors that make you a more thoughtful, considerate spouse. And that builds the love.<P>This is really covered very well in Dr. Harley's article <A HREF="http://"http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html"" TARGET=_blank>How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love in a Marriage</A>. But I can summarize it for you:<P>If you're lovebusting in your marriage, Steve would work with that FIRST. It's no good to meet each other's needs (and build the love bank index) and then go out and lovebust (deplete the lovebank). So you need to protect the love in your marriage by learning to identify and eliminate lovebusters.<P>The methodology is pretty simple. You:<P>1. Identify the lovebusters that your spouse does through the questionnaire (you both do this)<P>2. Share them with each other. No lovebusters allowed during this process. The recipiant of the information should have their mouth firmly clamped shut---only ask questions to clarify the spouse's point. This is extremely valuable information that your spouse is giving you---whether you feel it's "true" or "justified" is irrelevant. It's how your spouse feels that counts. And it's those feelings that you need your spouse to share. And you must act on them in a positive manner.<P>3. Planning to eliminate the behaviors. The plan must be verifiable. To give you an example, if angry outbursts are a problem, you could say (write) that "I will eliminate all outbursts. If I start, my spouse will use a phrase as a reminder". It would also help if my spouse would refrain from behaviors x and y---these tend to trigger these outbursts.<P>You make plans to eliminate the lovebusters that your spouse sees in you. Then you sit down with your spouse and use the POJA to come to an agreement that is "mutually enthusiastic". <P>4. You execute these plans, and keep track of your progress.<P>Now, after you're underway with "lovebuster control", you'd start with emotional needs. It's the same 4 step process. You identify your most important emotional needs. If your spouse isn't cutting it in areas, you write detailed instructions on what and how often they can do to meet the needs. Then you plan to meet each other's needs, and sit together and POJA it so that you come up with a comprehensive plan that's agreed to by each spouse. And then execute it and keep tabs on progress.<P>So, while there's "talk" in this process, there's a lot of information gathering, planning, and "doing" involved as well. If you were doing this with Steve, you'd probably be "seeing" him once a week for a while, and then cut down to once ever two weeks (or once a month). You can even do this on your own, although it helps to have Steve serving as an intermediary and coach for the process.<P>If you like your counselor, one thing you could try is to purchase the "5 steps to romantic love" workbook, and have your counselor supervise the use of the workbook (if they're up to it).<P>Now, you asked about why I see the progress as being slower for our marriage. As you can probably guess, I'm a big fan of the MarriageBuilder principles, and of Steve as a counselor and coach. My wife has come to agree with the principles and "rules" of MarriageBuilder's, but she didn't get off to the best start with Steve. <P>She also hates paperwork and planning, so the issue has been while we've done the identification process, we never got to a concrete, written plan. And then I'm sure that she wasn't thrilled about being "graded" on the plan as well.<P>Most of the deficiencies in our marriage (from my side) center around sex (and to a lesser part, affection). This is an area that my wife still harbors "issues" with, from several years ago. They're not "right" or "justified", in my opinion---but then again, my opinion isn't what counts. It's what she feels. So, if we were working with Steve, he would structured the recovery around my "eliminating" past behaviors that trigger my wife's fears (which I have, to a large extent), and he would have encouraged her to "meet me halfway" and start meeting my needs. Without the structure of counseling, it's just been a slower process in her meeting me halfway (she's taken a couple tentative steps though). My job remains the same---building love through good marital behaviors. Once she gets over her issues and takes the plunge, I'm expecting a full recovery. And everywhere else in our marriage (where the fear issue hasn't been a problem), we're doing terrific.<P>Enough elaboration?

YES!!! perfect and very helpful...Thank you very much for taking the time to reply!!!<P>I think I will buy the "Steps to Romatic love" book. Thanks again....

Susan,<P>I am glad to see you back. How are things going? Is withdrawl still plagueing you or are you into the rebuilding stage?<P>Keep in touch.<P>JL