I had an idea that my wife was with someone else around 10 months ago. At that time I thought it may just be a friendship that was based upon a religious experience. Now I realize that it was an EA and eventually it became a PA. Right now I think in fluxuates.<BR>I've gone through all the typical and some untypical angers, accusations, snoopings, followings, etc. When I first approached my W she denied everything and said that I was trying to control her life by telling her what friends should could have or not have. Its interesting how people see things the way they want to see them. I know, because sometimes I'm very biased on my opinions. The past two months, January and February have been a whirlwind of neither one of us knowing what we are doing or in which direction we want to go.<P>My W and I both are on a church staff. Her in music and me in the youth ministries. Our church is small and therefore we are both in leadership positions. To make a long story short, the OM's wife called our minister and told him about the affair. He met with my wife last night and it seems that all the work and time that we have been putting into calming the whirlwind has now been rekindled into a tornado. When my wife got home she accused me of telling the minister, then she said if I thought that this would help us I was wrong. I understood she was hurting so I didn't say anything other then I didn't tell him anything.<P>Later when we could talk a little more civil, she said that I was not her father and could not tell her what people she could see (I'd asked her to stop seeing the OM), what jewelry she could wear (I told her that I did not like her wearing a necklace given to her by the OM), what clothes she could wear (I'd had made comments regarding her wearing certain underwear when she stays out late and she had a shirt that matched one owned by the OM and I told her that that shirt was not appropriate for our home). Then she hit me in the stomach by saying this stuff won't matter when we die and go where ever we go. This seemed in like denial of her belief system that she profeses in church. She also said that she was going to quit her church job and that counseling would not do any good because she didn't trust anyone. I told her that I loved her and still would like to try to save our marriage and family.<P>This morning she let me rubbed the back of her neck, a pleasing ritual that we've had for fourteen years to wake her up. I asked her one more time if we found a counselor, would she go to counseling. I said that she didn't have to say anything if she didn't want to. She didn't really say no or yes, but hinted that it would be OK to look for one. When she left for work, she did squeeze my hand and half way smiled.<P>Again I spinnig in total confussion and uncertainty. I'm going to try and keep my mouth shut, not be accusatory, and just be there for her (my Plan A). <P>Thanks for letting me vent.

[[[[[EdB]]]]]<P>Sorry to hear of your situation. My wife recently sent me an email telling me I was not her mother and didn't need to worry about where she was and what she was doing.<P>I do not blame you for not wanting her to wear gifts from the OM.<P>I am also getting hit with her telling me it is my fault... She gives examples a decade old.<P>Is the OM a church member? If so this is very DIFFICULT. The OM in my case WAS a member of my church. Since he was unrepentent he eventually gave up his membership and we started attending another church. This is more difficult for you since you work for the church. I know when this happened to me I immediately stepped down from leadership positions - but I was not paid by the church.<P>I would seriously look for other positions and move away from the OM (I wish I would have taken this advice!). Work on Plan A with your wife. Call Steve the counselor or find another. I would also have Godly WOMEN talk to your wife as a friend. Beware my wife told our friends and pastors that this was my fault and did not mention the OM until I made it clear I knew.<P>Pray and Fast. <P>Prayers.<P>T2<P>Do you think she is still seeing him?

Yes, she is still seeing him.<P>Last night she came home with a letter from our minister asking her to respond to the OM's wifes's accusations. She was so upset that she decided to resign from her church position. She had the OM type the letter of resignation. She did ask me to read both letters and give my opinion. I told her that I would stand behind her decission. <P>She still blames me for even this. She said that I should have told the minister that everything was fine or at least told him that I didn't think there was an affair. Can't win for losing.<P>Thanks for your concern T2. My prayers are with you as well and to all those who like me feel like we are spinning out of control.

EdB - My wife and your wife must be reading from the same script. Our wives are in a very confused state of mind right now. I too have told my wife how much it bothers me when she sees the OM and wears things that have come from him. What I told my wife was that although I can understand her confusion, and her desire to keep contact going with the OM, I can not condone it. I no longer even bring him up to her, (this took a long time to learn how to do) and if he comes up in conversation, it is from her.<P>I wish you this:<BR>May you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Thanks Scanman for some good advice. Just before I read your response, I was wondering how I could get my wife to stop seeing the OM. Your comment on just telling her that you understand but don't condone makes more sense then what I was thinking. I'm going to try the not mentioning him. <P>Peace to you and prayers.