edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Don't ask those questions yet.They will make him feel pressured and he'll likely pull away more. <P>My H did the same thing. Moved out after an EA. I helped him move,the kids too. He told them it was for a little while,cuz we were having problems. I let him see my tears,told him I loved him and supported him and wanted him to be happy,but that I didn't have to like it. The guilt killed him. Kids never wanted to go with him on the weekends,that hurt him even more,so that he spent every weekend at home as a family. This gave me much opportunity to fill that love bank. Never talked about the affair or OW unless he brought it up,which wasn't very often. Counseling might not help,especially if he has someone telling him to follow his heart. Does he talk at all about his sessions. If so, good opportunity to be supportive and acknowledge the work he's doing. Let no opportunity for positive reinforcement slip by.<P>Now, for a non- Harley thing I did.Not recommending this,unless you're sure it will have a positive effect. It definitely did for me. I told H that if I was left to parent alone I would need support and proceeded to go to a Parent's without Partners meeting.It's a group(pretty much a social atmosphere) for separated,divorced or widowed parents.He wanted to know how the meeting went(he watched the kids for me while I went). I informed him that 3 men had asked me if I dated,and that I told them "no" that I was just currently separated and hoping to work things out. He asked me if I was going back there to another meeting. I told him "no" that I didn't need "that kind of support". He seemed relieved.....and low and behold a week later he decided he wanted me and his family. Stayed separated for a bit longer so he could feel solid in his decision,all the while being the perfect wife. He moved home after 2 months of separation and things are better now than they have ever been. I realize I took a big risk with this one.My/our counselor told me when I did this that often it takes someone else wanting what is yours in order to realize how good you've got it. Kind of like a kid who has an old toy put away and when a playmate all of a sudden finds it interesting and wants it,then it's like "hey, that's mine!" Just my HO but,it's much more attractive not to appear needy. We can show our hurt and sadness and yet not appear so devistated that we are "losing it". I think we can be loving and supportive of our spouses while looking like we're doing well taking care of ourselves. Hope this helps! Good luck! PS I'm an RN and have seem soooo many MDs go through this, almost an occupational hazard!

Thanks so much for your words of advise. Did your husband say that he didn't want to work on things?????<P>My H has estranged himself from his whole family (mom and 4 sibs) due to this. He doesn't want to hear it from them.<P>He believes that he is doing the right thing. There is a real denial of reality here.<P>I do ask him about counseling sessions. He does not say much. We do talk about his day though. <P>My kids want to stay with him. They are making it easy for him probably because I am.<P>I live in a small town. There are not parents without partners here. This is an extremely family oriented town. Not a lot of single folk here (men in particular). <P>I am an RN also. Worked in the ICU. My husband really has his head in the sand for this one.<P>The one plus is thaat she is notincredibly attractive. My H still compliments me on my looks and is physically attracted to me still. I am currently trying to play that up. Thanks for your post!!!<P>PS. I found his counselor.for him. He specializes in men's mid life issues and was not happy that H was leaving his three kids. Like I said he is in a real denial and reality check out. He has always been conservative and did the right thing!!!!!This is total rebellion as well as conflict avoidance.<P><BR>

H said he didn't know if he wanted to work on things or not. He was very confused about lots of things.He was actually clinically depressed.Not the same symptoms we normally think of ,but had that "prison camp" attitude you speak of. He was always irritable,nothing I did was right.He was intentionally mean and very short tempered.He always said he thought there "was too much water under the bridge" for us to fix things. In his heart he now says he didn't tink I would ever be able to forgive him for the affair and that was his biggest fear,to have that hanging over his head for the rest of our married life.<P>How funny! I found my H's counselor too. She helped him so much! He respects her very much. It might just take some time for it to hit him. Too bad the kids make it easy for him,but can't let them get in the middle of things though,for their sweet sakes. It makes it harder for the wayward one to feel guilty though. My H couldn't stand to see our D cry that he wasn't here. She helped to soften his heart. My kids are 14,9 and 7 and yours? <P>My H also isolted himself from his entire family. His dad asked him if there was a third party involved when H told him we were separating. H lied and told him "no". He knew his parents would let him have it! His dad cried with me when I told him the truth a few weeks after H moved out. Although H didn't get a lot of pressure from them,the support I got from HIS parents bothered him and made him feel more guilty.<P>I know it is soo hard,but be patient and be supportive of his "crisis". In the end it WILL make him see how incredible your love for him is.I think somehow they are "testing" this with the utmost in betrayal. Great thing you've got the physical attractiveness thing going for you! Yes, play that to the hilt. All men have such a need for an attractive woman.That's one of my H's issues with me,gained lots of weight with each pregnancy. Working on that now though and he's come to realize in his counseling that our relationship is not based on that. It is, however, still important to him. Use that to your advantage and make it fun for both of you! Try to get away alone together too, if at all possible, to rekindle those old "in love" and carefree feelings of courtship.My H says now that he really needed to have fun with me.Also found that he didn't want me to work. I worked L/D 2 12hr/shifts on weekends,so that the kids had me home during the week. I haven't worked since discovery.We're hating it financially,but the entire household is soo much happier and at peace. I think he really needed that.I'm trying to talk him into agreeing to have me do home health a couple of visits when kids are in school.<P>Good luck to you,keep posting! <BR>

Claudia,<P>"The answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out" <P>I read this and it kept me going. Don't know if it will help. When you get a chance read my post from today. My H moved back in. We are GOING to make the marriage work. I will not listen to TRY. There are a couple of other things in my post that really made sense and I applied them. It is tuff as hell I know. <P>Let me know K!!!<P>T<BR>

Thanks for your replys. I really like the quote. I have really held my tongue. You know I think I have developed sarcasm in my middle years (actually learned from him) And I am trying to keep it in check.<P>H. came over tonight to get S to take him for the weekeend. I sat and listened to him talk about his day. I focused on him and kept the kids calm and made them speak gently. ( he felt that the house has been out of control)<P>He gave me a REAL hug and kiss in front of S. before they left. I hope I put some LU in for the weekend. I know my S will. He is the calmest and well behaved of the bunch.<P>This forum is the best thing that has happened to me durig these last 3 months of H***!!!!!