Hi. This is my first post.<P>My wife of 12-1/2 years had a ~2 month affair at the end of 1999. I found out right after Christmas. The affair was over at that time.<P>W was very remorseful from the beginning, and it is now easy to see where I failed to meet her emotional needs during the past year or two. We have both stayed very positive, read and talked a lot, and gotten counseling. Our relationship is stronger than it probably ever has been, and the future looks really bright.<P>One of the few challenges I am having is dealing with W's sister (S). S knew all about the affair from before it started, and did nothing. S originally introduced W to me, and we have been pretty close all along, but she didn't try to get W to stop or go to counseling. S even became close to OM and went to him about her marriage problems.<P>S had an affair that caused her divorce. She married the OM, and has been cheating on him for most of the marriage. W is very close to S and I feel S at least indirectly made the idea of an affair feel OK to W. I found out that S has continually asked W to lie for her. <P>S is upset that I am being rude to her when she is around (she doesn't know that I know about her affair). I admit that I don't like being in the same room with her, but I am civil to her. I have a hard time being around S's H since he doesn't know about her affair (plus he had the affair that broke up S's original marriage). I have focused on my relationship with W, and don't have a desire or the energy to worry about S. I have told W that things will smooth out over time.<P>W is torn between staying close with her sister and trying to limit the pain I am going thru. She feels guilty either way. For me, seeing S really triggers the memory of what happened and I know I am blaming her for part of it. I don't want to pull them apart, but I don't like the influence S has on W. Honesty is one of the most important things to me right now, and I know S will put W in situations where she will have to lie.<P>Am I wrong to want to stay away from S? Should W tell S that I know about her affair so S better understands where I am coming from? Should I sit down with S to let her know my feelings? Am I being unfair to W?<P>Sorry this is so long. Thanks for any help you can give. <P>

gettingoverit,<P>Long name you got. First, just to play devils advocate here. You know about S's affair but you have not told her H. Why? Think about this. Are you condemning S for not doing something that you have not done? You have not gone to S and told her to seek counseling have you?<P>Now how I feel, in the ideal world you/I would tell S to get lost. She is clearly a bad influence on your W, but they are sisters and that makes things difficult. <P>I guess my suggestion is to set down with your W and use the Policy of Joint Agreement as listed and described here on the board. You and W should try to reach a compromise that you both can live with concerning her S. <P>For example, maybe your W tells her S that you know about affair and that she will never lie for her again. In return you may be able to abide being in the same room with her. You two may also need to decide about S's H since you are in someways lying to him by not telling him what you know.<P>This is a complex situation but the best solution is one that you and your W can live with. You are not going to reform her S nor are you going to be able to fix her marriage. But you two can make this situation as comfortable for each other (you and W) as possible.<P>Good luck and God Bless,<P>JL

GOI: I had somewhat similar situation in that my S kept secrets with my H behind my back. What we have done is sat down with S and her H and me and my H, and my H spoke stating that they had done this, he knows it was wrong, and he will not continue to do that because it is bad for our marriage. I wanted to keep the relationship with my sister and her family too as we have had good times together. She took it well coming from my husband, and I had the satisfaction of him being with on my side. <P>Can all of you (you, your W, S and her husband) get together. If he doesn't know then you probably don't want him involved, but if he did know, it would be interesting for your wife to tell her sister in front of him how sorry she is for what she has done, and that you two are committed to your marriage. That might even do them some good!<P>Hang tough!<P>PS: I agree with JustLearning, I don't think you need to be too concerned about her feelings, your marriage is more important, and she obviously wasn't too concerned about yours. <p>[This message has been edited by mariesue (edited February 25, 2000).]

Can you believe that just last week I read Ann Landers and she says it isn't up to someone else to tell the betrayed about an affair. She says there are signs out there and if someone doesn't see those signs then it is plain ignorance! BOY-did that piss me off. Since I never did see any signs - because they were so very careful If I had Ann Landers address - which I will get some day - she will hear from me!!<P>I suggest you put an end to the gals doing too much together if S is an influence-which I am sure she is since I was once in a situation similiar and they will pull anyone into there messy life habits since they don't care about anything beyond the "moment".<P>Good Luck!!

Well, curse me out for believing in something simular to Ann Landers. I don't feel it's right to tell someone their spouse is having an affair. I think we should all take care of our own troubles and not interfere in other problems. Especially if you try and tell the OP's spouse. I think it only intensify's the bad feelings with your own spouse if someone else continues on with the problems with the affair.<BR>I would tend to ignore your SIL's problems and just concentrate on your own relationship with your wife. I would respectfully tell your wife that you have problems dealing with someone who believes that there is nothing wrong in causing problems in a marriage and tell her you hope she doesn't influence your wife in the wrong way. I would also explain to her that you just are having a hard time supporting your SIL's morals. God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

DO use the POJA to figure out what to do. Have a calm discussion, and brainstorm. Lay every thought out on the table. Really listen to each other. Don't get ahead of yourself by suggesting things until you've heard your W's feelings back on each subject, and acknowledged them. She IS your W's sister and their contact WILL continue. Try to compromise comfortably for both of you.<P>Express first/resolve second.<P>The point here is...whatever you decide, do it together. <P>I also agree that it is inappropriate for you to inform your BIL. That is forcing your judgemental opinion onto THEIR relationship, when I believe your actual goal is to reach agreements and have a better relationship with your W. Yes?

removed<p>[This message has been edited by gettingoverit (edited June 16, 2000).]