To all of you who have posted and gave advice I thank-you. This website has been my salvation these past few weeks. If I hadn't found it, hadn't read your advice etc I wouldn't be with my husband today and working through this and WITHOUT a chip on my shoulder.<P>On Monday, I wrote and said my H came over, packed some of his clothes to go to the ow's house etc. I didn't say ANYTHING about us. (NO BEGGING, NO PLEADING) I FINALLY REALIZED THIS WAS A MAJOR LB!!!!! I got dressed and said I was going to the gym, bye everybody. <P>The next morning I wasn't going to work cuz of doctors appts. etc, I was getting my girls off to school and he shows up (6 am). All of the sudden he gives me a hug and says "I'm going to be here more often". I still couldn't figure out what was going on. I had written him a letter the night before. It basically said I couldn't do this anymore etc etc. I gave him the letter.<P>I was in my bathroom getting ready and he came in with tears streaming down his face. He wanted to come home. He didn't want to loose me. He said the night before when I left to go to the gym, he felt "Thank-God" she didn't say anything. He said when he was leaving with his stuff, he shut the door and thought to himself "WHAT HAVE I DONE". He said he was in quite a MOOD with the ow that night. Told her he was only going to see her every other night. He said it FINALLY hit him. He felt that I didn't care anymore. <P>I hadn't begged or pleaded or lost my self-respect, which brings me to a couple of things that I read that stuck in my mind....<P>"It is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him/her at the same time"<P>"Nothing destroys a romantic relationship more quickly than for a person to beg for mercy" <P>" the answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out" <P>I gained MY DIGNITY AND SELF-RESPECT back that night. I feel my H had no choice but to RESPECT me for what I DIDN'T do. <P>He took the day off from work and after my doctors appointments spent the day together. We talked, we cryed and we even laughed. He has promised it is over with her. He promised he will never keep things inside, if something is bothering him, he will let me know. He said he never wanted to say anything about my weight (he didn't want to hurt me). I feel he let this build inside of him until he felt nothing but disgust for me. I am not making excuses for him but I really think I understand that.<P>A couple of good things have come out of this. First my children. If you have read any of my other posts he was upset that I never told them no. Well, I've changed alot there. I have put my foot down. They are not happy, got my x involved too, were working on the same wave length TOGETHER to DISCIPLINE them. I saw the light there. Thank-God. It was hurting everyone (mostly them) in this family. Second thing was the weight issue. Well i've lost 12 lbs since my last doctors appt. I'm feeling better, LOOKING better and I am going to keep this up if hes here or not. <P>We have got a lot of work ahead of us. I will never let this happen to my marriage again. I know his emotional needs and will do everything I can to meet them. The next wedding I go to, my gift will be His Needs, Her Needs. I never realized how IMPORTANT they are. I do now, I will not make the same mistake twice, and if I can help someone else from making this mistake I will. <P>I used to think how can a woman/man give so much?? I know now, because when you really love someone you can do anything. It isn't a burden or a sacrifice, its simply love. Its not about begging. <P>Alot of my friends were upset that he said something about my weight. I look at this as I want my husband to want me, I want him to feel proud of me, I want him to feel I am beautiful!! Why would I want it any other way???? Loose some weight. It does nothing but help me!! I know this is a MAJOR issue with him, I won't let my weight go again. I am determined to look good as much for myself as for him. It is paying off, went to the store the other day bought a pair of size 8 jeans, and i'm not done yet. He has also seen changes I've made, with the kids and the weight, has complemented me every day since.<P>My advice, to anyone going through this... No matter if your spouse comes back, look inside of yourself and ask yourself some important "soul searching" questions, if you don't like what you see CHANGE IT. I am glad my H and I were able to talk about "some" of the problems that affected everybody and I am changing them. They benefit ME, which in turn has a spiral effect and will effect my family in a POSITIVE MANNER!! Talk about them BEFORE somthing tragic happens. He PROMISED me he would NEVER keep these feelings inside again. They only get bigger and bigger. <BR> <BR>I hope this can help someone. I saw what I did to contribute to this mess. NOT THAT THE AFFAIR WAS MY FAULT. Like I told my H, he had a choice, he took the cowards way out. He gave up. I now have a choice to take what I have learned and apply this to everything that I do. I hope EVERYONE understands that I am NOT saying it was MY fault or ANYONE ELES'S fault for an affair. I just know what I did to LET this happen. God, I pray this makes sense!!!!! <P>I pray for all of you. I pray that your marriages will work out and that you find happiness again. I pray that you will find yourselves (if you haven't already) and you become a much better person because of this, as I hope it has happened for me.<P>T<BR>

Wooo Hooo Troublec!<P>This is wonderful news! Thank you for sharing it with us. It gives others hope.<P>It is wonderful how you view things and that your H finally came to his commonsense. You are very right in what a person does is their own choosing. We all have behaviors that we can either express positively or negatively, and with our behaviors is the other's response. We choose our behavior: we create our own experiences.<P>The past is the past; however, we cannot change what we do not acknowledge. I was tickled pink to see that your H acknowledged his lack of communication to you. This is a great step to recovery and opens so much honesty for you to thrive on. You are also a wonderful person because there is POWER in forgiveness (mostly power within ourselves).<P>You either get it, or you don't.<BR>I am glad YOU get it!<P>Congrats again! SUPER NEWS!<BR>May the sun shine upon you.<BR>--Fiance (of a great guy)

T,<P>Thank you for shareing the begining of your success...I am truly happy for you...Keep working on you...<P>I'd go ahead and throw in the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley...I personaly like it the best of all his books...<P>Kepp moving forward...You are so very fortunate.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Wow! What a great success story! Thank you for sharing this with us ... <P>and I love what Fiance said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The past is the past; however, we cannot change what we do not acknowledge.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>In the past here on this forum, I've been blasted for taking a great deal of responsibility for the horrible state my marriage had (has?) gotten to when my husband's affair was going on. This tidbit shared by Fiance is incredibly insightful, and we would all do well to remember it when some of us betrayed are recounting the not-so-great contributions we have made to our distressed relationships!<P>I love a good success story ... please keep us posted Troublec and keep those lines of communication OPEN!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Troublec,<P>2 good quotes from this thread will go into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Nothing destroys a romantic relationship more quickly than for a person to beg for mercy.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The past is the past; however, we cannot change what we do not acknowledge.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Have you gotten to the point where your H <B>with your help</B>, write the <B>How to tell a lover that the relationship is over letter (on page 58-59 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)</B>? It's a very good next step.<P>Congrats so far! <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 26, 2000).]