Two nights ago my suspicions were cofirmed when I confronted my husband about the amount of time he was spending on the internet when I was asleep. Sometimes I would get up at night on the guise of getting a drink or going to the bathroom and I would here the computer blipping to a new screen, usually the home page. How much time can a person spend surfing the home page. Did he take me for an idiot. On the first confrontation he said it was just a girl he met playing cribbage and he enjoyed chatting with her and he would break it off immediatly if it bothered me. How considerate of him. I then mentioned that my son casually told me that "dad has a hotmail account too". I asked him about that. Yes, he relpied they did send some letter back and forth but that was it. Still not assured that I was hearing the whole thing I quizzed further "did you exchange picture", yes, she sent me one of her and her daughter. "Did you send her any" , the reply was no. All the while he professed his love for me and expressed how sorry he was. I told him I wanted him to write her a letter and leave it for me to see, I also told him I wanted his e-mail account name and pass word. He agreed to give it to me. But now the more truthful explainations of what was going on started to come out. That afternoon he rushed home at dinner and attempted to delete all the correspondence he had save, leaving in the file only his letter of repentance. Interestingly enough when you delete something in hotmail it sits in the trash for a few days. It's rather like it is at our house. No one take takes it out. What was in the trash shook me to the core. Over a period of 17 days there were 27 love letter from this woman, three sets of pictures and a note indicating how grateful this little wench was that my husband had taken time to read over her essay for college before she turned it in. She is 24, and I am 42. His new found interest in reading, which I was suspicious of was because she had suggested books to read. He even went out and bought a book of prose which he read almost immediatly and one letter indicates they made that book "their book". The letters were full of sexual inuendo, he told me they had cyber-sex twice, it was after the annoymous cybersex that he set up the secret e-mail account. He continues to rationlize it as just friendship and fantasy but he used his real name, diclosed real incedents from his and our day to day life, and exchanged real pictures (he certainly didn't cut out a picture of an unknown out of the paper to send to her). At one point she asked for his phone number. Thankfully he declined and he says he doesn't have her number or address. Further to the humiliation of this, he told her immensly private details about our sexlife and was getting love advice and counselling from this youg trollop. I am so hurt and enraged. I went to the doctor to get sleeping pills and we are seeing a marriage counsellor next week. We have been married 15 years and have three children. I thought we had a good marraige, I knew our love life had slacked off a bit but we weren't arguing, when we went out shopping or whatever we held hands I thought I had the ideal marriage, the people I work with envied our relationship. This has impacted on me to a degree that I am not sleeping, not eating, when I do eat I throw up and I haven't gone to work for two days because I'm a counsellor I feel that I am in no state of mind to help anyone with anything. I want to lash out at this man at every opportunity. I want him to stop rationalizing this as a fantasy and a friendship. He strongly contends that he never had any inteniton of meeting this woman and it wasn't going to ever go any further. Twenty-seven e-mails in a little over two weeks doesn't seem like it was tapering off to me. Additionally there was all the nights he spent up chatting with her in addition to the e-mails. I'm guessing 3-4 hours a night up to 7 days a week. The things he talked to her about, the profession of undying love and how he never wants this to end and on and on and on. How can anyone say something like this is any diffrent that a "real" love affair. It was sexual, it was romantic, it was intimate, the cybersex made it physical, it was real people, real photos, it was secretive and it was taking up a great deal of his time and thoughts. I appologise for the rambling and bad spelling but I am sooooo devastated and I need to vent. Venting on my husband is not helping our marriage. Advice from anyone who has been there or who understands my situation would be helpful and welcomed right now.<BR>

Well, your right in the fact that it is an affair, weather he wants to realize it or not. Usually newbie's post on the "Just found out" forum and we have a welcome wagon person there, his name is NSR-he will tell you lots of info, like to read Dr. Harley's books, do get the counselling, and take alot of deep cleansing breaths. <BR>He hasn't been on this long so you have a very good chance of pulling him through this. I'm glad you found this board so quickly, you will find alot of caring, honest and supportive people here. It sounds like you are well in control of yourself right now and that is a good thing, keep calm and do the reading and remember that each marriage does have it's rocks and bumps in that road. I know that it's hard to believe but there are people here who've gone through what you have and come out better for it, myself included! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

You have a right to be upset. This is serious. It has changed your entire image of your marriage and the trust and respect that you rightly expect from it. At least you have caught it before it has had a chance to become physical. Doesn't lessen the hurt, shame, anger, and feelings of betrayal, though.<BR>From personal experience, I can tell you that your husband is addicted to this new, fantasy relationship. It's just as addictive as any chemical substance can be. He will have a tremendously hard time stopping this. It's too exciting and it's filling a need that needs to be filled. Right now, you are the enemy because you want to make him give this obesession up. As long as he has contact with this woman, he WILL NOT work on the marriage and issues that need to be addressed. NO CONTACT ever again is imperative.<BR>Right now, one thing that is required of you is the superhuman strength to resist displaying badgering, demeaning, yelling, behavior. Be calm, loving, but firmly state how his behavior (not himself) is deeply hurting you and damaging your marriage. Others here can probably give you many more helpful ideas. Good luck. Keep posting and asking for help - you'll get it from the only people who really know how to help - those who have already walked in your shoes.<BR>Pilgrim

Hello Marlaalyn,<P>Welcome to our little group. I'm sorry you have found cause to be here, but I'm glad you found us. This is a great group of folks.<P>I have been your husband. No of course I am not YOUR husband and am not exactly like him. But, I've lived through the experience. My wife Suse also posts here. I have a feeling we can both offer you some perspective.<P>To start, I'll try to start with some fundamentals:<P>1. Yes, this is an affair. True, the internet environment is different from what affairs used to be. But, it definitely is one.<P>2. Don't panic. It's not the end of your marriage. Be seriously concerned. It is certainly a wake-up call but if you work hard together and get good advice you can get to a much better marriage. Suse and I have done so. Others have too.<P>3. You must face WHY this happened. What is it about your relationship? What is it about your H's needs that haven't been fulfilled in the marriage? How about yours?<P>4. Read, read, read, read. You've got to learn more. Start with stuff on this website.<P>5. Betrayers are addicted. You'll learn more about this the longer you stay here. Betrayers need to be treated like addicts. Dr. Harley has some excellent techniques for how to do so.<P>6. There is hope. But, be patient. You may have to go through a lotta pain and anguish to get to a better place. We can help.<P>Keep posting.<P>------------------<BR>I'm just a pilgrim on this road, boy. 'Til I see thee... fare-thee-well. Steve Earle

My H had an internet/phone affair with an 18 year old girl (he is 45). He also sent her letters. I know how you are hurting because I have been there. They try to play it off as computer fantasy, but there were real people involved, so it is every bit an affair, and very hurtful to you.<BR>Hang in there. It will get better if you both want to work on it.

Hi, I've been there and it is the pits.<P>There is a site "netaddiction.com" that you might find useful. There is a booklet you can get through the net called something like "rebuilding your relationship after a cyber affair", I think the cost is around $10.<P>I know how betrayed you feel but there is hope.<P>Take care.