Well here I sit, a little confused today after last night. Where to begin? <P>Well, last week H imed with a friend of mine telling her how much he has messed up our relationship with all the accusations and so forth, along with the relationship of our 2 D's. That he knows he can make it better but he has to work on himself first and that he will do what he has to do to get things back. He hasn't spoken to anyone in our house for 2 weeks now, comes and goes to work(about 80 hours a week), sits at dinner with his head looking at his plate. I guess this is him trying, I don't know? <P>The shocker! The next night he was looking up divorce in our state of NJ on the net. <P>I on the other hand have not LBed and have kept doing what I have always done. Completed all the yard work so far, fixed the dishwasher, kept a clean and organized house, had the girls home all week and took them places, and still had his dinner on the table when he came in. I have even tried to start casual conversation with him, and what I get is him walking away from me. <P>The only need that I know I'm not filling for him right now is sex. He has not made any atempt to fill any of my needs. This is the hardest part for me. I guess this is why I am confused.<P>Why would a person who is not speaking to you want to have sex with you? <P>Last night he initiated. I was a little surprised to say the least but tried to go with it. Sorry to say there was no feelings in it for me. So, it didn't go as he planned(in otherwords never happened). <P>I got up and went out of the room and he followed. He asked me what happened and I told him it was pobably because I'm exhausted. I have not slept in days(since I found out he was looking up divorce, which he doesn't know that I know about). So when he asked why I said because my mind won't shut off at night when I lay down. He says is it me and I answered yes, and left it at that(didn't want to LB). He asked if it was the girls and I said no. He then sat in silence. I was hoping this would open up some kind of communication line with him, but that was not to happen. <P>Today he comes in from the one job before going back out to the other like nothing has happened, everythings fine type of thing. <P>I just don't get it?? Am I missing something??<P>Any insight would be appreciated!<P>falsely accused<BR>

Concerning your H looking up divorce--maybe somebody told him to straighten up his act or "this" could happen to him (and had recommended that he check out something specific).<P>How about continuing Plan A and overlooking your H's silences. Sounds like he (and you too!) is stressed to the max. Two jobs? Whew.<P>Could you possibly initiate sex the next time? Try....if not, how about giving him a long massage. Perhaps the physical contact will open him up to calm talk too.

falsely accused,<P>Just a few thoughts...<P>Your dealing with a <B>man</B> here...<BR>... one of the world's worst communicators of emotional feelings... (most of the time!)<P>It sounds like his skills of communication are near negligable right now...<P>Is there the possiblity of any counseling?...<BR>For both of you?<BR>For you... to help you build up his sense of ease to start communicating with you again?<P>You have to make some progress there... before issues of honest and trust can be established.<P>About the "divorce searches"... bringing them up will be a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>! Instead of bringing it up... keep up with the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> efforts.<P>On the issue of sex...<BR>...if you check with Harley's own list of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3310_sex.html" TARGET=_blank>sexual fullfillment</A> is usually very high on the list for most men. I don't wnat to sound pro-male on this one... but if you could consider being an initiator sometime soon... If things didn't go so well... let him know your not giving up on it! Make it somewhat fun and very non-threatening. Men have a fear of not performing up to a level of expectation they <B>think</B> their wife's have. Stresses of work... and lack of communication "thing" could be inhibitors. Let him know in your initiating... you have <B><I>no expectations</I></B>! Keep it simple... and loving. Good things can come of it... for you! A little more <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3305_aff.html" TARGET=_blank>affection</A>... usually a woman's very important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... may come your way too. <P>About your discussion with your H after "things" not working out... words like "...because my mind won't shut off at night when I lay down..." are bound to have most men "... leave it at that..." Men who "sit in silence" usually stay that way, with little or no chance for "open(ing) up some kind of communication line with him"<P>I'd suggest some lines from you honestly expressing... "I feel... and how do you feel... let's make each other better by doing..." <B>but please</B> remember <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Be honest but not cruel... so an "I feel happy when..." is better than an "I feel sad..." usually (but not in all cases.) The "Let's make each other better by doing..." can also meet maybe both of your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3320_rec.html" TARGET=_blank>companionship</A>!<P>One thing to stress about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... is that it is <B>not</B> just about avoiding <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... it is also about satisfying those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> as well.<P>I hope you take my thoughts as just that...<BR>...I never want to impose a solution on anyone!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 26, 2000).]

As a man, with 'shutting down' as my way of dealing with stress, I loved the massage idea. Sex, even great sex is a stressful experience... emotions are taut as a fiddle string (I think that's kinda part of the point ) whereas a massage is an intimate time without the expectations.<P>my 2 cents,<BR>Deut

Lucks,<P>Yes I am stressed to the max right about now. It just seems like we will have 2 good days and then 2-3 weeks of total torment. I have been in the Plan A mode overlooking his silence for 3-4 months now and I can say I have not LBed except for one small time when we had a computer problem. I don't know what more to do.<P>As far as the two jobs thats his choice not mine. He won't allow me to go out and work. A little over 8 years ago when he took on the second job I suggested to him that I go to work, which would have meant for him to deal with the girls for about 2-21/2 hours a night. His answer to that was no way, they are girls.<P>I did initiate sex last time. I usually am the one. H never does, I guess thats part of the reason I was a little surprised. The problem I have with this is H knows I don't enjoy it. I have a condition which makes sex very painful for me but I have always done it for him, never for myself. He is not the massage type of guy or I would have tried that suggestion. <P><BR>Jim, <P>I do take you thoughts as just thoughts and not a solution. I understand all to well, and think too much sometimes. <P>As I have said before counseling is out of the question for him. I have asked and he won't go. He wouldn't even fill out or look at the Emotional Needs Questionare. For me I think it would help me but I don't know how much it would help the two of us for me to go alone. <P>I know that bringing up the divorce search issue is a big time LB, so thats why I have kept it under wraps. <P>I also know that a mans for most need is of the sexual nature. As I stated to Lucks I usually am the initiator. I also try to let him know in a simple yet non-threating way if hes hurting me, but thats hard to do because I don't want him to feel bad about it. This bothers me as a woman that I can't be normal for him. <P>I understand now that you have said it why he must have shut down last night. I guess in my mind I thought it might give him the opportunity to open up a little. Its hard for me to say I feel to him when he doesn't hear the words I am saying. I've done this before to be told I never said this or that. At this point he only is hearing what he wants to hear. He will take one word out of a whole statement and stick to that. So I have been dealing with saying little things just to try and get him to listen, and then I see if he actually heard what I did say. I guess a kind of like a baby step.<P>Duet,<P>I have to agree with you that sex can be a "stressful experience", especially with the problem I have. If he would only go for the massage idea, but I know that won't happen, hes just not that type. <P>Thanks to all who replied for you ideas and suggestions.<P>falsely accused<P>

FA --<P>You know my thoughts, so no need to revisit them. I wish I could help, but you know my situation isn't much different, only it's my W that isn't really communicating.<P>It is an interesting thing about us men, though. I, too, have a tendency to shutdown rather than face a marriage related issue these days. Doesn't mean it's right, but I just do. Perhaps it's my own way to avoid LBing -- just ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, close off to the outside. Perhaps that's what he's doing. Perhaps that IS his way of working to change.<P>I don't know what to suggest to open up a dialogue, not LB, and still allow both of you to communicate freely without repricusions (sp?). If I knew, I wouldn't be here myself. <P>Do you two share anything in common where you can feel relaxed? Without the kids. Just the two of you. But, without the pressure to "perform" for the other.<P>Ideas -- Movies, golfing, tennis, home improvement projects, dancing. Something that would allow you to talk -- not about your relationship -- but about the thing that interests you.<P>Think about some of the recreational stuff that brought you together in the first place. Things that you did together as friends, or when you first started courting.<P>If you go out and do one of those things, without the obligation to talk about the marriage, it may open a backdoor to your communication problems.<P>Just an idea.<P>Until then, I'm outta here for the night. Good luck, and I'llcheck back in the am, pst.<P>--keystone<P>P.S. Don't let my bad vibes from last week sour your efforts. Remember, it's a rollercoaster. Isn't it fun -- NOT!