I have been lurking for about a year. I am the other woman in an internet affair. Nobody knows about it, and I do feel guilty, but I haven't ended it yet. Why? Because, because, because. I could give you reason after reason. I guess the most compelling reason I don't end it is because I love him. No, I don't know him in real live life. Maybe he is as wonderful as he seems online, and maybe he isn't. I guess he probably isn't.<P>He is married, and so am I married. Obviously, my marriage is unhappy, and although I have begged my H to go to counseloring, he will not go. He says the problems are "all" mine. He says he lvoes me, but isn't "in love" with me. The oM is not happy either, obviously. He says he wants to end it, but doesn't. I have no idea what goes on at his house, but he talks about "prying eyes" being everywhere, so he can't write me as often as he'd like to.<P>We havn't had a physical affair, but I know now, from reading here, that I am an other woman anyhow. Do I just end it? Do I write him? Do I tell my H? It's been going on for two months.<P>HELP!

Hi EB,<P>Welcome to our forum. NSR is our official welcome wagon, & he will no doubt be along shortly. Most people on this board are betrayed types, with some betrayers, and a couple of OWs. Most of us are in various degrees of pain, but for the most part we are all a compassionate, & caring bunch.<P>First of all, let me say that you are on a path of destruction. Both, your personal happiness, & your marriage are in jeopardy. As long as you continue your online affair, your marriage has NO chance whatsoever. Should you continue the affair, & it progresses into the physical realm, most likely you will end up in pain, and your life devestated. That's the reality. Read the statistics. They are not in your favor.<P>Have you read through the basic Harley concepts yet? If not, then you might want to familiarize yourself with them. He has written an excellent book called 'His Needs, Her Needs'. Educate yourself.<P>You need to sit down with your husband, and be brutally honest. Find out why he says he is no longer in love with you. Is it possible that he is involved with someone else? If not, then you need to make it clear to him how unhappy you are with the marriage. If he is truly unwilling to consider counseling, then you need to begin a conversation with him in a way that will get his attention. Something like, "I'm very unhappy with our marriage. So unhappy, infact, that I'm considering having an affair." That should do it.<P>Trust me. An affair does not lead to happiness. Quite the opposite. Good luck.

In all likelihood he is lying to you about his relationship with his wife. And even if he isn't he is still a married man and you are a married woman and you are headed down a path that will only lead to unhappiness for many people.

Hi Bunny,<P>It sounds like OM's wife might be suspicious (prying eyes) that something is going on, or maybe he is trying to back away from the online relationship and using that as his excuse to slow the correspondence. <P>Your H is talking the same talk mine does. (He says the problems are "all" mine). They need to realize that when there's a problem in the marriage it's not all one person, it takes two to be happy and it takes two to screw it up. The question is: how do we make them see it?<P>Have you read the concepts here on the MB site? Have you ask him to fill out the EN questionnaire? Have you filled it out? The questionnaire really opened my eyes to our problems. I didn't really know what my needs were until I read the questionnaire. (How can I ask my H to fill my needs when neither of us even knew what all our needs were?) <P>Yes, you need to end the contact with OM. You can't give your marriage the attention it needs if you are detouring some/most of that attention to someone else. <P>It will be hard, but we are here to help you. When you feel the need to talk to OM, talk to us instead. <P>As for telling your H. I wouldn't yet. It might make it harder for him to work on the marriage. You might tell him your need for conversation (this is covered in the concepts) and tell him you have had a pen pal supplying that need, but it doesn't feel right and you would prefer to share this part of your life with H. That will open the door for you to make a full confession when the time is right.<P>I don't think I would tell him that your considering having an affair. That might be to harsh a blow to his ego. He may over-react and tell you to just go ahead and do it if that's what you want. That's the reaction my H would have. Then he would probably go out and start one of his own to retaliate and boost his ego. <P>Only you can decide what is right for your life. We can only give you ideas to help you think it thru before you act.<P>Best Wishes<P><BR>Keo<P>This roller coaster ride is for the birds! I get dizzy to easy.<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited February 27, 2000).]

I think Sidney has given you some good advice. Tell your husband about your unhappiness and be as blunt about your desire for an affair as suggested. It seems your unhappiness alone is not enough to get his attention (hence the no counceling) then hopefully your desire to have an affair is.<P>His comment about not being in love with you is also very typical of people involved in affairs. This does not mean he is having one but ask yourself if there are any other signs.<P>Acacia<P>

Ya know what? I'm thinking about telling my H. Not sure yet.<P>Asfar as ending it. Not sure about that either. I don't know about anything anymore.<P>As far as my H having an affair, I think he might be. How do I find out for sure when he won't tell me.<P>Very upset.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by energizer_bunny:<BR><B>Ya know what? I'm thinking about telling my H. Not sure yet.<P>Asfar as ending it. Not sure about that either. I don't know about anything anymore.<P>As far as my H having an affair, I think he might be. How do I find out for sure when he won't tell me.<P>Very upset.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You know how you find out if your H is having an affair?<P>You read the Basic Concepts, order "His Needs..Your Need" AND the workbook. Workbook very improtant. Copy the Emotional Needs Questionnaire for both Her & Him. Fill out yours. Call Steve H. or just think about the questionnaire for a day. Then after a home eaten meal (soup & crackers & cheese & red wine if fine - you cannot cook right now) tell your H you want to discuss a book you have read. Tell him how you are concerned you are not meeting HIS needs. You realize you do not ..a) give him enough (pick one from the ranking list - affection, time, admiration). It really does not matter which one you say, just show your concern that you realize some needs are not being meet, and you want to work on improving that. He will be very surpzied, don't look for alot of talk from him. He will have to absorb this. Have a comdey video to watch after dinner, and tell him.. let us turn off all computers (completly without juice) all cell phones, all phones tonight and just sip a glass of wine and watch the movie. Snack, eat ice cream. This is enough for one night. This will help you calm down. Do NOT talk with your online friend about this...NONE of his business. Talk here instead. You can then work on a plan in the next few days. You can order the book and workbook online. They ship very fast. Good luck. the best way to find out if H is having an affair is to treat him very differently. He will not know what to think. It will get you both on the right path. Think about how happy you will be one day when he says (don't expect too soon) "hey, what are your needs?" You have to be the leader on this right now. He needs to learn skills from you. Demonstrate them best you can.

EB - Since it's physical and so far is completely "virtual," I don't see the need to tell your H - yet. Maybe never. See what happens.<P>BTW, love your online knickname! Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Victoria and Wex,<P>Thank you for taking the time to respond.<P>Victoria, I'll think about getting the books/workbooks. I guess I do need to know if he is having an affair. I did see a note from someone that seemed suspicious. It was from a woman, but it was a work note. You know, something like, please see that this or that is done before you go home. But it seemed funny somehow, like familiar.<P>I don't know.<P>Wex, thank you, I feel like that bunny alot. You know, that one from the commercials. I do keep going and going.