Hi, I’m new to posting on this board, but most of you could prolly tell my story. Two months ago, my H told me that he was having an affair with a woman he had met in AA. Actually, he let me believe at first that it was only a flirtation, but a month ago he admitted that they were having sex. He says he has quit having sex with her, but he still sees her at AA meetings, and he spends hours chatting with her online. He is unable to decide who he wants the most, me or her. I refuse to make that decision for him by kicking him out of the house or our bed. I want him to stay and be my husband, and he has to make the decision without pressure from me. If I pressure him into a decision, he will either resent me for it or he will decide to leave me just to show me he can’t be forced into anything. In his favor, I have to say that he did not instigate this affair. He was pursued by the OW. I have been told by people who know her that she has done this before and also that she is a chaos addict, she has to have turmoil in her life to be happy. That is how she controls people. Comments, please.<P>------------------<BR>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

Wax,<P>I'm no fan of the 12 step method and you don't say where he is in "the program" but, a call to his sponsor may help.<P>The sponsor may not want to work with him if the sponsor is being lied to. Also, if the group is very close they may talk to him. Then again, they could laugh at you because that is how 12 steppers can be with non-alcoholcis. AA meetings are populated by people with NO professional training. It may as well be a bar at times. <P>Part of the 12 step brain washing revolves around not hurting others. He sure is hurting you.<P>This is from my H, he has not had a drink in 5 years(Sorry if this is brutal):<BR>"For an alcoholic who doesn't want to quit drinking, a woman (who also doesn't want to quit drinking) who doesn't nag him about it would be a dream come true. They could get drunk together, then have sex. They would be so happy. The main point would be the drinking."<P>Otherwise, look into alternate methods for recovery from alcohol addiction and show him there are other options.<P>Read all you can here and ask for support dealing with the alcohol issue along with the infidelity.<P><BR>

Welcome <B>nobeswax</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>About you H... is it possible to go to a different AA group? I know this may <B>not</B> solve the "problem"...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is what we suggest. You are not alone, and there are several posters here with alcoholic H's! Post questions to them!<P>Jim

InShock,<P>Forget the reference to AA, it is no more relevant than meeting the OW at work or the bowling alley. This is about an affair, not about drinking. Thanks for the advice.<P>------------------<BR>I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.