Update on my so-called life. Yesterday my H came by unexpected to pick up the kids for the evening. They didn't want to go because they were playing with their friends. I was distraught, angry, uncommunicative, etc. with H. He came in the house like he still lives there, made a pot of coffee, started rooting around in the pantry for something to eat, bossing the kids around about cleaning their rooms and I got madder and madder. How DARE he!!!! He left us!!! I was so pi**ed I couldn't even look at him. He started acting pitiful when he realized the kids didn't want to go with him so he called me upstairs to MY bedroom to talk. He wanted to know what I was so upset about. Well, I lost it and LB'd like crazy. I told him I was angry that he was giving up on our marriage, that he left us like it was nothing. He asked if I wanted him to come home and I said only if he wanted to work on our marriage and he LAUGHED at me! He said the only reason he would come home would be to help out with the kids. He asked me if I was deaf or stupid or something. He's past the point of working on our marriage. Our kids would be happier with us divorced knowing their father was truly happy. I asked was he really happier right now the way things are, and he said no but he was calmer. I told him that one day he is going to turn around and realize the damage he's done. And it may be too late then. I then proceeded to tell him that we need to break all contact. That his coming over acting like nothing has changed was killing me. Especially knowing he's still seeing OW. He said OK. I don't think we're gonna make it, you guys. I am so sad. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I would. I just want some relief. This pain is too much to bear!!! I wish I would just die. I hate my life.<P>Keridwen

Hi Keridwen,<P>I remember well the feelings you have, especially about the pain being too much to bear. The actual physical pain like your heart is about to burst and the emotional pain that makes you feel as if a boulder is rolling over you, over and over.<P>I remember crying to the point of dehydration and laryngitis and exhaustion. And feeling like I couldn't possibly go on another minute, much less an hour, day, or week.<P>But I did make it, and you can too. Prayer saved me, a simple prayer dozens of times a day for the strength to go on and the wisdom to make the right choices. You are being prayed for my many of us here.<P>I agree that you need to set limits with your husband. He chose to leave your home and should not have unlimited access to it. Start doing things that make you feel better. If cutting contact with him helps, then do it. Your husband's behavior shows a lack of respect for you, so respect yourself too much to allow him to treat you that way.<P>Before you can plan A, plan B, or anything else you must take care of yourself. Right now you are one only one with any dignity or selflessness in your marriage, but you are also the only one that you can count on. Be good to yourself.<P>I concentrated on surviving one day at a time, and at the end of the day I counted it as an accomplishment. Then I finally made it through one whole day without crying! It is a long, slow process. But I promise that it does get better.<P>With prayers and best wishes for you,<P>Peppermint

Keridwen,<P>My heart goes out to you. My H has been told to knock when he comes and must ask permission to use the phone, or anything. Sometimes, I offer him a drink, like he is company. <P>It sounds like there may be hope, the fact that he is even willing to come home possibly for the kids, might be to your advantage one day.<P>I gave up on my marriage last week. My H noticed a difference in me. I am more calm and don't give him the time of day. He seems very confused right now. Oh well, some day he will know, as your H will too, at the true horror they caused in their children's life. <P>I think most women would have felt the same way you did about what happened that night. Be strong, and my prayers are with you. I will support you in what ever you decide. I do read all your threads, just haven't been replying much lately as I am going through a phase in my life where I feel dead. Numb. So I can't offer much advice on some days. I know that you are confused, and sad , so am I. <P>Have you gotten out without the kids yet and had some fun for just you? It can really bring your spirits up.<P>Dana<BR>

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Life really is tough. Make sure that you do set your boundaries. I think you should go directly to a Plan B type arrangement. Absolutely do not let him come into your house and treat it like he still lives there! He needs to understand that when he comes into your home he is a visitor there on your approval. Hang tough and do work on becoming the best person that you can be. Find a friend that will support you through all of this.

Hi Keridwen7,<P>I'm sorry about your situation. It angers me that your H feels that he can waltz in & out of your house as if he still lives there. I suggest setting up boundaries and limitations regarding his access.<P>It really amazes me that most betraying spouses can't even see the harm that they do to everyone who loves them. I hope your H wakes up soon.

First of all, just let me admit I've been lousy with setting boundaries with my H, especially the first 6 separations (cringe). I mainly survived in a Plan A sort of way, at the time I didn't seem to be able to do things differently. <P>Hind sight:<BR>1) H knocks, doesn't come in house when kids or I aren't there.<BR>2) He calls before coming over. (Yeah, I know it cuts down on those spontaneous reunions, but if he truly wants to connect with you, he'll BE THERE)<BR>3) I wouldn't have fed him so many meals.<BR>4) He would have had regular days for visitation with the kids, on which I would go OUT (even when I did get to this point, I usually hung out at the house, still do sometimes)<BR>5) I acted in every way like his wife... or worse, like a mother. "Are you all right? Are you eating? Sleeping?"<BR>6) I wouldn't have called him so often, letting him know how very much I loved and needed him. He admits now that he used my love...did crummy things knowing I'd love & forgive him anyway. Saying I love you is fine, weeping it, well, that's just needy.<P>I was given all this advice...wasn't able to do it. Wish I had. Bygones. On the plus side, my H posts here as Guard and he's saying all the Plan A worked...now that I don't feel like doing it anymore. You can wear yourself out.<P>Take care of you and the kids.<P>Lor

Thanks (((all))). I needed a little encouragement today. I'm looking forward to the day I don't want our marriage anymore, then maybe I can move on. I am going to see my counselor tonight. I hope she can help me sort out some of my feelings. I felt better almost as soon as I posted just getting it OUT. I am finding that some days are better than others. I went by the local college this morning and got some info on registering as a non-traditional student. I think I am going for the kamikaze recovery...keep myself so busy that I don't have time to feel like crap. Have something going on from every angle...three kids who play softball, baseball, piano lessons, academic bowl, band etc. etc. plus my going back to school. Maybe I won't have time to feel sad or depressed. I appreciate all your advice. I am going to write H a letter spelling out the "rules" from now on. I think he needs to start living in the real world instead of fantasy land.<P>(((((Everyone)))))<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Hi Keri,<P>I agree with what most are saying here. You need to start setting some limits. It's very hard to do, but you must do it. When my H moved out of our home, I had the locks rekeyed the next day. It was a very difficult thing for me to do. I am a big marshmallow. I did it mostly at the urging of family & friends, plus I was fearful because H was acting so irrationally. It was the best thing I think I could have done. Not only did it give H a good dose of reality (he tried to get in a week later while I was at work), but it also made me feel like I was taking control of the situation. I think it also knocked H off balance because up until that time he felt like he had all the "power" & was pulling all my strings. I really think it shocked him. A couple of times since he has mentioned that it hurt him. I calmly say, "I don't have a key to your apartment, so why should you have a key to my residence?" I never apologize.<P>Our situations are quite different as H & I have no children. But, I also did not just sit around waiting for him to call. In fact, I made it quite difficult for him to reach me. I focused all my energies into moving on with my life. When he did get through to me, I was pleasant, and kept the conversations light hearted. I always told him that I was doing just fine. Since he moved out, I have never called him. But, he calls me now almost every day. And, he's seriously talking about coming home.<P>We're still struggling, but this tactic seems to be working in my case.<P>Good luck, and hang in there. One way or another, it does get better.