I have updated my profile to include my affair. I apologize for the non-truths (what I call it when you believe that if you don't say something then it's not a lie) I live with my H's non-truths and dislike it - why should I repeat that same mistake? <P>I have been committed to my marriage. The operative words there being 'have been.' I don't know if I can anymore. I am committed to my children and continue to be commited to improvement of myself. Thanks for your support.<P>Well, I tried to update my profile. It keeps going blank for some reason. So I guess I will just post it here:<P>I have omitted the fact that I, too, had an affair. To me this is the same as a lie. I will not bore you with the details because I do not want you to think that I give myself any justifaction for it. <p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited February 27, 2000).]

Okay, I give up trying to update my profile. It keeps coming up blank. Any questions, just post it here and I will answer them.

Write your profile here! I, for one, am interested, and I love how you write! <P>~Sheryl

nb, I'm going to try again here. I was typing away and got kicked off, no warning.....I was almost finished too.<P>Thank you for the compliment re: the way I write. Sometimes I feel rather pretentious in my choice of words (just like that) - I really just like to use a wide vocabulary. Although I'm not always sure that I spell the words correctly.<P>Let's try again to get this down:<P>My H's affair began about 4 years ago. We had been married for 13, at that time. We have been together, mostly, for 25 years now, highschool sweethearts doncha know.<P>H had had a series of job disappointments, he had just lost one. OW worked at same place and was there to console him. H did not want my consolation. We talked about this and his attitude at the time was that I deserved better - his words to me. We have discussed it since and he says he felt that if he gave me a good enough excuse that I would divorce him and be better off. Perhaps a big part of the reason for the affair in the first place.<P>He moved in with OW. I Plan A'd my tush off, literally, before I knew what Plan A was. Both H and OW were shocked. I asked only that OW speak with my H about seeking help for the depression that he was in since he wouldn't or couldn't listen to me. Mistake? I don't know. I really felt he needed help.<P>Now then, the admission of my omission. <BR>After Plan Aing for about a year, year and a half, I was tired. I felt terrible about myself. This is no excuse. I had an affair. The OM was not married, but wasn't exactly the marrying kind either. Just right for someone like me. This was not a revenge affair. Again, no excuse. When H found out that I was seeing OM he then wanted to try to repair our marriage. The idea was not responded to very kindly. My affair lasted a summer before I whacked myself in the side of the head and woke up. <P>Since then H and I have tried living together. It hasn't worked very well. we both have memories of how we felt when we found out about the others in our lives. My H's OW is still in contact with him. He keeps telling me to put the past behind me, but I get smacked in the face with it in the present. Like the Gas Card bill of last night.<P>Anyhoo, that's most of the sorry story and my apology for omission of the fact of my affair. <P><BR>

Hi RC,<P>Geez, what are you apologizing for??? Your H had abandoned you and was living with OW for a year and a half? My guess is that a sustantial percentage of hurting spouses on this board might have done the same thing if only the opportunity had presented itself.<P>You are a mere mortal, just like the rest of us. Sometimes we don't act rationally when we are out of our minds in pain. Why do you think "temporary insanity" is a legitimate legal defense? Because, even the law acknowledges that under certain circumstances we cannot be held accountable.<P>So, quit beating yourself up!!!<P>As long as your H continues to have contact with OW, there will be no chance to rebuild your marriage. That's the issue. Not, the fact that you stumbled.

Claire,<BR>Do not beat yourself up or apologize!!! I just emailed you so disregard the questions at the end. <P>If my H continues to live with the OW and it ends up being for a year or so, I cannot honestly say that I wouldn't do the same thing. Not too long ago (last month) a friend of mine (male) who had always been around, started giving me attention. At least that was how I took it. I had to get a grip on my emotions or I would have done the same thing. i thought it was too soon. Now, I'm not saying if the same thing happens 3 months from now that I'll be strong enough to keep it from happening again. I really liked the attention and I, like every other person, get lonely. I think it's the lack of affection that makes Plan A so hard and makes us so vulnerable to kind words and compliments.<P>So stop apologizing for doing what every other human being might do. <P>Take care you,<BR>Mitzi

What I am apologizing for is the fact of my omission. I really appreciate everyone's support. I'm not really beating myself up over it but just wanted to be straight about the facts. Although my H would probably say I'm still lying. That is part of the reason for my post. He knows that I come to this forum - he thinks I'm having an online affair. If he wishes to post his feelings on this matter I encourage it...please set up your own user profile though, okay?<P>Maybe he'll read this sometime. I can only hope.<P>Thanks everyone!<p>[This message has been edited by RCoaster (edited February 27, 2000).]

RCoaster,<P>Check with <B>Tempest</B> tempest2@hotmail.com about why your profile isn't updating!<P>About your dilemma… <BR><B>You and your H are both stuck… in neutral</B>…<BR>…and now your H is throwing in some reverses! This stinks!<P>Will you (and he) consider counseling?<BR>Something that can take you through a bit more step-by-step through a healing process and then a recovery process? It sounds a bit like you are both aimlessly wondering!<P>I think you said before that <B>he</B> was not interested in counseling? Is that right? If not start on your own! How about counseling from Harley?<P>I know you said Plan B didn't work…<BR><B>Yes… It did!</B>… it was working… up until you found an OM before closing off the relationship with your H(the usual end of Plan B).<P>Your H should know the score by now… if he can't break off contact 100% with the OW and won't go to counseling… I see a short Plan B ahead for you… and a new and better life! Repetitively taking you H back and forth and back again is no way to live! Others on the forum are going through that… and it must be excruciating.<P>Prayers to you… <P>Jim<P>PS: your kind words go a long way…

RC,<P>You sound pretty normal to me. <P>You know how great Noah was in the Bible. Do you know what he did after the ark landed? He got drunk! (Genesis 9:21)<BR> <P>Keo <P>This roller coaster ride is for the birds! I get dizzy to easy.<p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited February 27, 2000).]

Hi Jim! I'm so glad you are here!<P>Yes, I finally got him to agree to counseling the last time he wanted to come back. He went with me a total of 4 times. During that time he was still seeing OW, which I did not know but had my suspicions about. She would 'drop by' his place because 'she was in the area' and needed a place to sleep. Or, her car broke down in his driveway. I am still in counseling by myself, for myself, right now. He didn't want to go to counseling anymore because I would always bring up the <B>fact</B> that OW was not out of his life yet, and the <B>fact</B> that I needed this to be totally over before the marriage could get back to any semblance of normalcy. (Normal? what am I saying?)<P>Anyway, H had already given notice to his landlord that he would be moving. So, being the blankety, blank amoeba that I am I let him move back in. Some days are okay......then there's days like yesterday when suspicions are confirmed and the lies he has told me are unveiled.<P>Okay, I guess I needed to vent again after all.

You and I are alot alike!! My H told me about the latest OW the night after we moved him home. Thanks a lot, huh? And I am counseling by myself too...<P>Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about your omission... we all have a few things we hold close to the heart, I'm sure, and when we're ready, we share. You were ready, you shared... no harm in that!!!

Just an update on my update.<P>My H thinks I'm having an affair online, as I said, so I told him, "no, just keeping up with what's happening on marriage builders." He wanted to see, so I told him go ahead and look.<P>He was shocked to see the responses to my affair. So 'they' all think what you did was all right....what about the morality of your actions (LOL....like he worries about morality issues?) Anyway, he may begin lurking to see what I'm talking about and that's okay with me. He read, I think, about Plan A & B. Maybe it will help him, I don't know. I <B>do know</B> that he is <B>still</B> contacting OW. I've just about had it. It makes me so angry - I haven't reached the indifference stage yet, is that good or bad?