Medic,<BR>I am so sorry.....I have done the same bonehead thing. I have never drove by her house.....but I did go past a bar he and her were visiting.....maybe they just bumped into each other. My H played big time games for a long time. Would make me think that he was still confused. It would really hurt. That is why, when I did plan B, I did plan B. Maybe even more than I should have. I got caller ID and let the girls answer if his number showed up. Just hearing his voice would make emotions flow like Niagra Falls.<P>My H used these games to get me in trouble legally. I know Val isn't. So hers can very well be just as described above....confusion.<P>You are a strong and wonderful person. Geez, is she really missing out.<BR>Nancy

Hey Medic,<BR>Your W and my H must be related, they both have lost their minds.<P>Hang in there, as you say it is not over until it is over.<P>My H told me something very interesting this weekend. He said he was mad, that I started putting nice cards in his car, and that I had lost 25 pounds, that I cut my hair different, that I dressed better, that the house was clean now. He said s***t why is she doing this now, when she should have been months ago. I told him I was doing it for him now and thats what counts.<P>It is funny I thought he would appreciate the cards, the new Look for me, the clean house and me even starting a part time job. But he just said it made him mad. (Though he keeps all the cards)<P>He is home now, but I do not know for how long. I am trying to plan A, but I do not know how long I can take being unloved, unappreciated, unkissed, unhugged, un everything a real marriage is.<P>I get jealous everytime I see a happy couple because I want to be them, I want it that way for my H and I again.<P>Hang in there........Keep smiling, though I do not think that you ever quit!

Hey Zippy,<P>I do the same things to myself. I can be great in my professional job, help other people with their situations, am objective at issues outside of my own situation, and wham, throw me into dealing with my own situation - and I'm a bonehead too. We all are. It is just too personal to not take personal sometimes. But, reality is, we must not take it personal. <P>Remember, we are dealing with insanity. And conflict avoiders sometimes talk out of both sides of their mouth, sending mixed messages, and getting themselves in all kinds of hot water. <P>Just because you don't operate like that, it is very hard to understand their strategy! Gee!<P>Quit beating yourself up. Just learn how to make their thinking work FOR you, instead of playing into how it will work against you.<P>Who knows what Val has 'told' Brian, what she has told you, what she has told her mother. My guess is she tries to always please people, and runs away when she can't. She thinks she has to keep all the bridges from being burned. So, what you want to do, is: Make your island so appealing, that she doesn't need bridges to other islands. <P>I bet you are thankful for crisis's at work today, huh? Maybe thankful that there are some things that you can effectively do, and do well? That is how I feel about my work. Thank God for my work. Because, if my success feeling was based on my relationship with my husband and his kids, I'd be hangin' my head all the time.<P>God Bless You,<BR>TNT

Hey, man, Zippy is my favorite character! He knows how to cope better than most of us, I think.<P>If it's any consolation, I torture myself about my W's affair in similar ways, with much the same effect. I think, in your situation, I would do the same thing. It's just how we feel, man, and it's probably better just to go with our feelings. Before my W called the cops on me for stalking her, I used to go around looking for her car and when I'd find it, I'd hide out and watch for her and the OM to drive up. Spotted them a couple of times, too.<P>It's a pisser, that's for sure, but hey, at least it lets you know that you're alive! Anger is cleansing and venting can be a good way to express it.<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Medic you shouldn't paint yourself as stupid. You wanted to believe that she loved you as much as you loved her. It is going to be her loss. You need to look after yourself and stop thinking about whether she returns to you. DETACH COMPLETELY from her. I think she has been playing you like a trout, pulling the line in to keep you from swimming away and then letting the line out to make sure you stay at a certain distance. She knows what she is doing. The problem is that you have been attached to fishing line. You have allowed her to continue to abuse you emotionally. Her actions make it very obvious that she does not want to give up Brian. If this is the case than maybe it is time that you respected her choice and stop trying to pressure her to stay married to you. Let her go. If she comes back to you and you still want her then you can live happily ever after. If not, then both of you can be free to go on and hopefully find happiness with other partners. It is time to stop this pain and suffering that both you and Val must feel over this situation. That is my opinion. Best wishes....max

Hey Max,<P>Just got off an 18 hour shift. We put over 500 miles on the truck today. That's alot of driving and thinking time. I came up with pretty much what you said, well, minus the trout thing. They made a D!ck out of me this weekend. First we form the head...<P>I was in Plan Medic. No talk of marriage reconsiliation or divorce. No, or low calorie, LB's. Only chatted with her 3 times this year up to the last few days.<P>I was honestly doing pretty well. Then she has to send the cards. Put me in a tail spin. I thought there was hope and didn't want to lose the chance. Yeah....right....<P>I believe she is confused. Has it good with Brian. Only sees him for limited times. Remembers only the bad with me. Who would you choose? Reading the posts, it's amazing how much sounds so familiar. <P>First, it was bad for the last 2 years, with inflation it went to 5 and today I heard it was 10. We shouldn't have gotten married, that's a classic. I love you, but, and not IN love with you. And the ever popular Wer'e just friends.<P>Starting to babble.<P>Thanks Guys,<P>Zip<P>PS If he is so great why doesn't she move in with him? I haven't figured that one out.<p>[This message has been edited by MEDIC238 (edited February 29, 2000).]

Medic I am sorry to say this but I think you are the one who is confused not her. I would say that she knows exactly what she is doing. She is keeping you off balance knowing fully well that you would take her back. She has it all. A husband and a boyfriend. Why are you assuming that she is telling you the truth that she is not living or at least sleeping most nights with Brian. Check and see if her car is parked near Brian's home all night. I think your wife is feeding you a lot of B.S. tears and all. You need to recognize and accept that your marriage is basically over as long as Val does not want to reconcile and work out the problems in the marriage. I hate to see an associate from the medical profession get raked over the hot coal. You deserve better. I would advise you to set up a meeting with Val with your lawyer to discuss saving or dissolving the marriage. This will force Val to make her mind up one way or another..by signing the divorce papers or making a decision to work on salvaging her marriage..

Medic,<P>What color is stupid? I look in my mirror every morning and try to decide. Oh, well, that's just me.........Sorry about how you must be feeling.. You're right, This sucks.