I was going to post this as a reply to your last post, Jill, but I decided that I would do it on my own. I have been hiding in others posts for a while now... So here goes....<P>At this point and time in my life, I have decided not to tell my H. I am not telling him because I have too many reasons not to... Some of you may remember my first few posts... and the confusion I was feeling... If you read them then you understand...<P>I have been working also to forgive myself and get past my affair... I have posted about this before.. and some of you know a little bit about it. <P>Jill,When you described your affair in all your posts, I just about fell off my chair!!! I never had the nerve to sit down and re-live it and type it out for everyone. It was too painful. All I can say now is DITTO!!! <P>EVERY SINGLE THING you described was like it was coming out of my own mind and memory. (Except for I didn't meet OM in a chat room but through another person On line and my affair lasted one and a half years!) The feelings, the circumstances... I thought for a moment that I had an alter ego named Jill who was posting without my knowledge!!<P>Because of your descriptions, people here have learned from you what we have gone through as the betrayer... How it hurts us too and how awful we really feel. It is a very hard thing to forgive ourselves... and it is a long hard road to accepting Gods forgiveness.... <P>If I were to place this burden on my H, there are far too many things that would happen! People here may say that I don't know that for sure. Well I DO know it and I won't tell, at least not for now anyway.<P>I am comfortable with that decision at this point and time in my life. I am taking one step at a time and I will deal with telling him when the day comes that I feel secure in doing so. <P>If you chose to tell your H, it will be for your own reasons. Yes, coming here helps us to see and hear others reactions and gives us insight. It guides us in the right direction and for that I am grateful.<P>I hope that others here will keep helping and advising us.... it is so important... at least to me it is.....

if I had to do it over again....I dont think I would tell either.but ...I did and its over six years later.oh well I will be ok and I will go on.<BR> do what you feel is right.<BR>Lesa<P>------------------<BR>"It took me quite a while to realize that <B>the real deal</B> is to be able to be enough of a person your own to know when somebody loves you and cares about you"<BR>----Stevie Ray Vaughan<P>"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and<BR> lean not unto thine own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P> lms20ish@jobe.net

Lacee,<P>Just a quick thought or two. Please keep posting you and Jill do help many people here not matter how you chose to resolve your issues with your H. <P>However, please realize that what most people want for you is not to tell but to build a marriage that you and your H will enjoy and be happy in. If you can do that, then the telling of the affair is a mute point. If you can love your H and make a marriage where he loves you as well, then who can complain?<P>I think that most of the advice that you and Jill have received is based on the fact that the affair unaddressed can sprout into a weed that does affect your marriage and you. If you can prevent that and be happy then I certainly feel then do what you think is best. <P>I suspect that what Harley bases his statements on is experience with many many couples. It is very amazing how similar affairs and the reasons for them are. Look at your response to Jill's posts. Just like yours and you know you two are not the first to betray an H or betrayed by an H. So based on that most recommend telling.<P>However, the whole purpose of Harley's work and that of many others is to heal marriages. If you can do that without telling and putting your H through hell, the more power to you.<P>I hope to see you posting more.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

I can tell you, that if my husband had not attempted disclosure, then he would never be able to attain in my mind what is a good husband.<P>Because you know those things deep down, and it does cause distance in your marriage. <P>In my opinion, marriage without honesty is really empty. I deserve so much more than an empty marriage.<P>I understand why you wouldn't want to tell. There are many things at risk. <P>But it is the same as to have never loved..... loving is a risk. You will never know without telling what you would have had. <P>Just my opinion. Sure it hurts, it hurts worse than anything there is. But, for me, it was like the lie was an absessed tooth. Until the tooth and the poison is removed, it is always an embarassment to smile, it is a chronic painful condition, that never gets any better. <P>Telling the truth is like "acute", but it is the only way, in my opinion.<P>But how you tell is important, just as important.<P>TNT

Lacee:<P>I am so glad to know that sharing some of my thoughts has helped you in some small way.<P>I want so much for you to be happy. I want you to be able to forgive yourself (yes, I still have a LONG way to go on those two things!).<P>I definitely understand your decision not to tell your husband about your affair. Regardless of the decision (telling/not telling), I just want you to be at peace with God, yourself and your husband.<P>Lacee, I pray that your heart will be filled with peace, love and joy. I pray that you will be able to accept God's unconditional love and forgiveness. I pray that your love for your husband will grow in ways that you never thought possible.<P>And, by the way...STOP HIDING! Your thoughts are very valuable here.<P>I look forward to reading an original post from you soon.<P>Jill

Thanks LMS.... I know that it is a difficult decision for any of us to make. And yes as for me, right now, I think what is right is not to tell. Hang in there and I'm glad that you feel that you will be ok...<P>Just Learning, I will continue to make my marriage happy and meaningful. Things are looking up for the first time in 2 years. I am focused on his happiness as well as my childrens. So yes, re-building the marriage is what I am doing at this point. Thank you for your wishes...<P>TNT, Yes, I do understand what you are saying and how you felt. I know that in some cases, where the spouse strongly feels there is something wrong in the marriage or feels the distance growing between them, that they would want to know the reason behind that. <P>I truly believe in my case that there was distancing by each of us. It may even be possible that my H was involved in an EA of some type. But, I feel that we are beyond that now, and are focusing on each other and our family and our marriage. <P>Hopefully, we will continue to gain strength and meaning in our marriage. I think that we are feeling closer now than in a long time. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.. I have really stopped and thought about these things you have said...<P>Jill, thanks for responding... I know that you know what I am going through. I believe that I am being lead in this direction because it is the only way to save my marriage and keep my family together...<P>Thank you so much for your prayers. These are the things that I pray for daily and it helps to know that there is someone out there sharing those prayers... Take care and my prayers are with you also....

Lacee,<BR>I'm proud of you for trusting your own thoughts and feelings. As we know, nobody here, no matter how good intentioned, will have to be the one to face your husband. You know what is best for you. You deserve to forgive yourself.<P>Here is something I struggled with before I chose to confess (and it was a bad choice, I believe). It is something I still struggle with now. When to tell the truth and when not to. I used to be the type that would "tell the truth and shame the devil". Then it comes down to how to justify lying. It can be hard to fully recover your self-esteem if you beleive you are a liar. However, what I understand now is that total honesty works only with two rational, caring people. Do you share intimate details of your life with total strangers? And why would someone even think about divulging something as painful as an affair if their spouse can't even handle the day-to-day little confessions, mistakes, and differences? I remember some of the stories you told about your H's anger/control problem. Very scary.<P>Honesty is a type of vulnerability. With some people you can't afford to be vulnerable ,because you might be physically or mentally abused, or abandoned. What you are doing is self-defense, plain and simple.

Thank you TheStudent! You are absolutely right and let me say that it is good to hear from you again. <P>When you said, "However, what I understand now is that total honesty works only with two rational, caring people." and.. "And why would someone even think about divulging something as painful as an affair if their spouse can't even handle the day-to-day little confessions, mistakes, and differences?"... you hit the nail right on the head.<P>I know that you have had problems with your telling and regrets and such.... My heart goes out to you. I think that I would be right there in the same boat with you if I told. Thank you SO MUCH for your support. You were and still are a great source of inspiration to me and I thank you for being here for me...<P>Now, is not the time for me to tell the truth... Best wishes to you....