For posting to people here, offering them support, hugs, and prayers. For advocating this site, the people on this board, and the principles MB stands for, when I can't follow the "plan" myself.<P>I've tried to Plan A, but was horrible at it, the love busters were always there. I worked with the OM up until 3 weeks ago. 3 months I had to look at him everyday then go home to Cat and not say anything bad. I couldn't talk to any of my friends and I didn't post much then. Everything was pent up inside and unfortunately for me, it came out at her. For that I am truly sorry. I just couldn't do it. he sent a "goodbye" email telling he was leaving our company during the no contact phase and I was like "YES finally I can start my own recovery" but dumb me I forgot to tell her my excitement for the prospects of recovery. She broke down and went to him and in the process killed me inside. Thats when we decided to separate. I can't Plan A now because she is now talking and seeing him. I'm just tired of being hurt. Plan B won't work because it is impossible to separate our finances and I'm not going to be cold to her around our children. They don't need to see that, we need to be friends for them.<P>So I instituted Plan U as Cat had posted a few days ago, Ultimatum time. Him or me, by Saturday this week. Let's quit spinning our wheels and either recover together or go our separate ways. I'm honestly ready for either and I honestly can't continue in a relationship where I have to "share" especially when I derive only pain, anger, and hurt from the relationship because of him.<P>I'm truly sorry if I appear to be a hypocrite to anyone. I don't mean to. I really want to help I just can't make this system work for me at this stage of our relationship. I think the POJA and the no contact and everything else is great, it just needs to be done as a couple. I just cannot Plan A or B while my wife sleeps w/ another man. I applaud those who can, you are truly remarkable people and when your spouses wake up from their dream, they will see all the effort you have put into your marriage and you will be greatly rewarded. I just don't have the strength to do that and I can honestly admit it.<P>I wish everyone the best of luck and hope that things work out how they are supposed to for each and everyone of you. I'll probably lurk and maybe learn how y'all do it, but don't know if I can post, being a failure in the plan myself. Maybe to Sobeit. Gotta keep her spirits up, she lifts mine everytime she posts, cause that's one more day she gets to enjoy her family.<P>Thanks everyone for your kind words and advice the past few months. It has really helped me, if not my marriage. God bless.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

You are not a hypocrite just a human being.<P>We now all know the "right" things to do or not do to save our relationships. We have lots of understanding about why things happen and how to deal with certain situations. But is it easy to do the "right" thing, follow the instructions that could possibly help us with the problems we have - no way, man. <P>It's really hard and we will mess up time and time again. It's OK, allow yourself to be less than perfect. Allow yourself to be someone who feels, has emotions.<P>I like you that way.<P>Bless you<P>Judy

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>and I will smack anyone who even dares call you that.<P>Many of us know how hard it is to Plan A <BR>when our S are still sleeping with OP, that's why I told mine to leave.<P>I couldn't live that way does that make me a failure? NO, and I for one can tell you I don't know how anyone can continue to Plan A when they are met with indifference either........<P>So now that I've spouted off please don't leave us, your just going thrw one of the many downs phases of this lousy stinking ride!<P>Where it stops nobody knows I just wish it would stop.<P>I don't know you or all the people here but you must know we are all here for you, and if you don't post once in a <BR>while we have to send out the dogs for you,<BR>you don't want to meet up with my dogs now do you? Old Blue can get pretty mean,<BR>we call him Old Blue well because he's old and he shakes alot, cold you know. So you<BR>have to come out from hiding once in a while or we'll be worried.<P>I'll shut up now and let some one else talk. <P>I am not trying to minimize you pain it's very real, I just got upset because you were going to leave us, (can't have that you know gotta be there to spout off now and then.) <P>------------------<BR>Peg

Allen,<P>No you are not a hypocrite. I don't know what is going to happen in my world down the road, but I do know that replies to have helped me. Your words "Slow down Jack" & "Try to be a stable person in their life if she will let you" hit deep & made me really step back & think. I thank you & everyone else that have showed me that there are real people out there that do care.<P>Thanks my prayers are with you<BR>Jackh

Hey Sparky,<P>Heck no! You are not a hypocrite, you are a normal human being with normal feelings.<P>I often read about Plan A and think "How can anyone do all that stuff without their head exploding?" As I understand Plan A it is basically kill them with kindness and hope they come around before it kills you! And Plan B might work for some people, but what about those of us with children, mortgages, etc.?<P>Thank goodness I didn't have to do the Plan A or Plan B thing, I would not have been good at either one. I prefer to think of these plans as suggested guidelines that have to be flexible for different situations. I have been here for almost five months, and of the three most outspoken proponents of strict Plan A's, only one has reunited with their spouse. It doesn't always work to reconcile the marriage, although there are other supposed benefits like knowing you tried everything you could.<P>You must do what feels right for you. I would be doing just what you are- refusing to tolerate the continuing relationship.<P>So don't feel like a hypocrite, just feel like the rest of us here- a victim of infidelity just trying to survive!<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint<BR>

Just to be "fair"?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001154.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001154.html</A> <P><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Most of us suck at Plan A. I personally excelled for about 5 of the 21 months I was in it. I'm quite certain that my head did explode a couple times. I've often thought "Hey kids don't try this at home" But then, Harley recommends Plan A for 6 months, I was just getting the hang of it by then. And, with kids, mortgage, etc, I found a strict Plan B to be very difficult, I'm in what could maybe be called a limited contact B now. We talk about the kids, the finances, our schedules.<P>If you go with Plan Ultimatum, be prepared to lose her whichever way she chooses. I've done Plan U twice (I'm the one with 7 separations, I "U'ed" on #2 & #5) and got an extremely unhappy person living in my home. He felt forced and still didn't work on the marriage. <P>My advice, work on yourself, develop your interests, spend a lot of time lavishing attention on your kids if you've got them. Ease back & take your attention off your wife. You'll be better off for it.

Allen,<BR>You are not a failure! It's very hard to plan A. I tried it for 2 months and I quit. Of course, my H doesn't deserve my plan A either. I'll just save my knowledge for any other relationship I may have.<P>It doesn't make you a hypocrite to try and help others. Sometimes it takes someone looking at the situation from the outside to find a solution. <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi<BR>

Dearest friend: Now it's my turn to help you if I can. Listen to what you are saying. So you had a setback, does that make you any less human? You can't control the behavior or feelings of your spouse, but you can feel and experience yours and eventually control. I don't consider you a hypocrite for being human and feeling emotionally pained and drained. As I hear you, I hear the emotions and pain my spouse felt when I hurt him. I cannot speak for your spouse, but maybe I can tell you the things that at present I am trying to show and tell my spouse. Here goes: I am truly sorry for all the pain and frustration I have caused you. You have exhibited tremendous strength throughout this entire episode and have proven your loyalty and love to me even when I did not reciprocate those feelings to you. If I could turn back time, I would have handle my feelings of doubt differently. You don't know how much I want to make it up to you, but I just don't know how. Whether at this point, my promises mean anything to you, I will be here for you and cherish every moment we have together and as Dorothy said "If I ever need to go looking for my hearts desire, I don't need to go any further than my own back door." I know that you would rather hear it from your spouse and probably with a little more feeling. There is alot more I would tell my spouse, but I will become too emotional and you don't need me becomming weepy. I had a rough night with my eating disorder, but this morning I woke up and told myself that if my friends have faith in me,then so will I. I started my morning with a light breakfast and my lunch was balanced. Now I just have my supper to deal with. But thanks to you and the others, I keep trying to work through each day with your strength and kind words that are etched in my memory. <BR>Remember, to me, you are not a failure. You are my dear friend who is Gods chosen guardian. Thank you and my prayers and love to you.<P>On the lighter side, if I remember correctly, you said you had pork chops this weekend? (correct me if I am wrong) How did you season them? When I have good days, I get creative with my cooking. Sometimes my family just shake their heads and stare at their plates wondering if mom is watching too many cooking shows.(smile) If you're interested or anyone else, I will send you my recipe for chicken tacos. Have a great day!

just wanted to thank you all for your kind words I'll reply more later, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Eeek Ultimatum? <P>Actually it sounds like you are getting ready to enter Plan B.<P>Plan A says negotiate a seperation from OM while doing your best to meet her needs. You've done that. Might need a bit more work on meeting her needs, but that's for you to decide. I would say if you don't think you have done everything you can then Plan B isn't for you yet.<P>In comes plan B. Seperate yourself from your spouse if they will not leave OM. I know this is difficult because of the kids, but do the best you can if you get to that stage. The thing is plan B is very dangerous. If you haven't left a positive perception of you trying to meet her needs in her mind then it's pretty much marital suicide. Be ready for that if that's the choice you are making.<P>Whoaa from reading Cat's stuff and your stuff it sounds like some of the things you do are getting through because there is a sense of love there, but it doesn't sound like either of you think you've done all you can to meet her needs. I also sense that part of her wants to make the decision to leave OM, but she is scared. Plan A will help convince her there is nothing to fear. Of course you're not going to be perfect at it. It takes Oh so much practice, but each time you try it you gain ground.<P>On some post I gave a recipe for a patience injection shot...<P>Anyway, make what decision you must, and be prepared for whatever consequences.<P>Sending out a piece of strength to help both of you get through....