I can hardly type. My H came home 4 weeks ago and he packed all his things and left today.<BR>He is shaking so bad that he can hardly function. He said he is risking his life staying home with me.<BR>He was going to have to travel out of town but he in not coming back home.<P>I thought we were making some progress. But this shaking thing started and he says he cannot keep working like this.<P>We have been up all night dicussing this. He likes his freedom. He does not want to be married. He is trying to get over her but still has feelings for her.<P>All my hopes are just about gone. I drove our son to band and in a half hours time he had showered and packed everything he brought home up.<P>How do I let go. How do I take the pain. I did not think I could feel anything anymore, but this killing me.<P>If I had any self esteem would I feel like this? If I had any sense of self would I want him back.<P>Is there anyone in the world that I can love and start a new life with? All I wanted was for him to come home........unconditional.<P>Does anyone know what can be causing this shaking. He says when he is away it goes away. That if I really loved him I would care about his health and let him go.<P>I love him so much, and I told him he needed some real help with this. He is on prozac already.<P>He gave me a hug and said he would call later.<P>I need some strength and encouragement.

Hi M3K,<P>It sounds like a panic attack. I get those whenever I am near H. Not as bad as your H's sounds. But none the less I get them. I am no doctor, but it sounds like he could use different medicine.<P>About you feeling broken, I have been broken too. You need time to heal before you think about another man, but to answer your question, YES, of course, there is a wonderful man out there you can love and who will love you. When the time is right, you will find him. You should really be recovering from your own loss first, so that you will be whole again.<P>I am sending you my prayers today, Dana<BR>

My3Kids..<BR>(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))<BR>I am so sorry for your pain.<BR>I don't have any real advice..maybe the shaking is from stress?<BR>You are lovable and you are strong and if needed you will move on, not all at once but in baby steps.<BR>How about you? are you on meds?<BR>You can and will make this through for you and your kids.<BR>I believe in you!<BR>Prayers and (((((my3kids)))))<BR>Cat

ooops meant to say, as someone mentioned before get the book "rebuilding when a relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. It is excellent and as he says it is also needed when it is a seperation like this. So if your H does come back you will be ready for the "new relationship" with him since you can't go back to the old one.<BR>((((hugs)))<BR>Cat

Hey My3kids,<P>I'm here. Take a deep breath, and have a cup of tea. Or something. I know the feeling of being punched in the stomach - by them doing this.<P>You are not alone here. Does he only shake when he is at home with you.? Has he seen a doctor? Could it be an excuse?<P>I'm sorry to ask so many questions at this time, but let's talk about this. We can't stop them from going - it is something they need to do. He thinks he is in love, or has feelings, for ow, but he WILL wake up one day. And realise that it is not so. <P>You will feel better, one day. I don't know when, but you will get through this. You obviously have 3 children, they will get you through this mess. You need to be strong for them. How old are they?<P>talk to me soon, I'm thinking of you<P>big hugs your way<P>Jo

You are certainly in a situation that you would expect yourself to be totally devestated. Accept this. Don't question yourself about how your are feeling right now. It is ok to feel like you feel. This is alot to take in. Don't worry about your reaction. Heck, anyone would be overwhemled. I can offer you support. I'm sure others who know your story will be contacting you soon. Know that there are people who care about you as an individual and you do have alot to offer this world. Take care.<BR>Victoria

Thanks Dana, I need a friend today. I am just sitting here crying.<P>I have tried so hard to make this work. So D**n hard. I have plan A, I have lost weight, I have went back to work part time, I have made all these changes only to still be told that he does not love.<P>It is the same as everyone says he loves me but is not in love with me. I have been trying to get the love back but it will take time. This shaking is in our way.<P>He says what happens to you and kids if I have to go on disability. You will for sure have to go to work full time. He says he is trying to take care of us finacially. He is a area manager and has a very well paying job. He has to get up and do a lot of meetings and he says people are laughing at him because of the shaking.<P>He also says he cannot hardly work. He memory is going too though he remembers every thing he has gotten mad at me about for the last 19 years.<P>I want him to be happy too,,,but I want him to be happy with me and the kids.<P>Do i just let him go? and just pray he will come back?<P>I just feel so all alone. I just feel so sad and hurt. I do not know what to tell the kids. He did not even say goodbye to them. They are all at school now.<P>I am afraid to call my Mom because she will be so mad at H for hurting me again. So I am trying to keep the pain inside.<P>My eyes are so swollen from no sleep and crying. I just want to curl up and not wake up.<P>I did not think I could feel pain anymore. but this is almost worst than when i found out about O/W.

Thank you to everyone for responding so quickly for me.<P>No I am not on med, though I have been seeing a therapist for 4 months. I think I may finally need some meds now.<P>lonely mom, caterpillar, bonnet, victoria in texas, thank you all for you hugs and encoragment. I need everything I can get today.<P>I will try to find that book. My kids are older, 17, 15, and 11. They are wonderful kids. But they thought their dad had come home and now he has left and I am the one that is here to tell them.<P>I feel like such a failure. I wanted to win their daddy back for them. I wanted a whole family. I keep wondering if I am being punished, if I am worth anything.<P>I feel like such a dissapoitment.<P>I cannot stop crying. I thought all my tears were already cried out.<P>Thanks for all the hugs..........

My3kids,<P>call your mum.<P>She will want to be there for you, and YOU will be her priority today, not your H.<BR>let her be there for you if you can. Go with your feelings, why on earth would you be feeling anything else but...... with this having just happened. <P>I know the feelings of thinking that nothing could be worse than finding out about OP, but when I left, it was 100x worse. I couldn't believe this was happening to me, my little old life in the suburbs etc. But I have moved on, I have learnt so much here, and had so much support and encouragement. You will too. We will be there, and here, for you, all the time. And always remember, you are talking to people who understand exactly what you are saying. The jumble of emotions, the plethora of feelings, the confusion, the despair, the anguish..... we all know all about it. We are all in this awful boat together (I wish some of us could get out, but for the moment, we're stuck together !!) I hope that last comment is read the way it was meant. I love you all.<P>M3K - you will get through this. Allow yourself today to curl up, sleep, cry, wail, gnash teeth etc etc etc, but then, your children will be home. They will need you. And being a mother myself, we are just there. No matter what we are going through ourselves, we are there for our children. You will find that same strength. I still don't know where it comes from, but we all have it.<P>thinking of you, and sending hugs to you right now<P>Jo

My3Kids...<BR>Please today, For You! go to the library or bookstore and GET that BOOK! Please!<BR>You will be amazed at how what you are feeling is so normal and really begin to discover what is going on, what was going on.<P>You will make it! You CAN do this! I know you can!<P>Right now, how about a hot shower, get dressed, put on some makeup, eat some breakfast or at least drink some coffee. and just 'act normal' even though you feel like falling apart. <P>You are NOT a failure and your kids old enough to realize what is going on. You NEED a person who will love and respect YOU and right now you need that person to be YOU, not your H, not someone else, but no matter what you will not be alone forever. You Are loveable, You Are worthwhile! You will NOT be defined by his actions. You can't control what people do only how you react.<P>You can do this my3Kids. Believe in yourself, reach inside and find the person you were when you got married. What would she say to you if you told her this was going on? Listen to what that part of you says. <P>And please, go get that book.<P>((((hugs))))<BR>Cat

you guys are so great! Only you guys know this horrible feeling of dispair.<P>Maybe I will take a hot bath and make some hot tea. But it is like I do not have the energy to do anything. I can barely type and wipe my tears.<P>Why is it that when they betray us we feel like we are the failures. We feel like we are worthless. We feel like stoping time because we are afraid to see the future. I am so afraid. I do not want to be a single mom, I do not want to make decisions on my own, I want to be married, I love being a couple, I love sharing my life with someone.<P>But he does not want me........<P>Why is it our world revolves around them? I am just so worn out and I feel like i am coming apart.<P>If I call someone I would just cry and they would not be able to understand what I am saying anyway.<P>My friends do not know how I have managed all of this, this long. They would have shown him the door a long time ago. They care for me, but they do not know really what being forced to start over. Being forced to deal with this pain.....<P>I just want my happy marriage back.......

See how many people care about you? You are strong for reaching out at the time you feel the lowest. Your h is a good person deep down somewhere. But he has temporarely lost his mind. His actions hurt you, of course. But remeber he is not thinking correctly, and you are not the reason why. You are a good person, many people care about you. Your h is one person. There are many who know the pain you are going thur even if he does not right now. Take care, and do take a hot shower, eat a little something, and go get the book. You can find a way to live thur this....Many people care about what happens to YOU.<BR>V.

I stopped crying last night after crying all day yesterday and now I am crying again for you.<P>You are NOT A FAILURE.<P>You deserve better and you will find someone else to give you all you need one day. The timeing must be right. It cannot and must not happen too soon.<P>Some things are not worth hanging on to - this I have discovered at great pain.<P>Your statement<BR>"How do I let go. How do I take the pain. I did not think I could feel anything anymore, but this killing me."<P>could be me writing.<P>I know your pain, I feel your pain.<P>I send you a huge HUG and my love and concern.<P>Be kind to yourself, feel the pain but KNOW that you are perfect just as you are.<P>Judith<P>

My3Kids...<BR>how are you doing?<BR>Did you get a shower and some coffee?<P>Who are you my3kids? You are NOT defined by your husband or the roles you have filled during you marraige. Don't let anyone else define you. I know you don't know who you are right now but I KNOW you have the strength to find yourself.<P>Will you do me a favor? <P>1. Tell me something you did before you were married that you completely enjoyed. <P>2. Tell me something you have always wanted to do but have never done for whatever reason.<P>3. Beyond being a mother and wife, what do you want for yourself out of life. Where do you want to be. (Not a wife and mother, where do you want to be for YOU) What did you think you would do when you were in high school? what were your dreams.<P>4. Tell me a time when you were happy, beyond the kids and dh, when is a time you were happy and satisfied by something You did.<P>(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) my3kids, I am thinking of you and sending you ++++ vibes because I Know how strong you are!!<P>Cat

Hi there,<P>Please take care of yourself, be gentle on yourself.<P>Now about the shaking. I do it too. I call it anxiety attacks. It comes on me rather unexpectedly, I don't know what I'm anxious about. Sometimes the shaking is so bad I can hardly get a cup of tea to my mouth. I have a medication, clonazepam, which seems to help but I don't like to take it too often. Because the attacks are unpredictable it worries me. I too have a job where I have to appear confident and in control. I live in fear that I will have an attack at some critical time and blow a deal, look like a fool.<P>The point of all this is that I understand your husband's fears. My shaking is worse around my husband but not limited to his presence. It makes him feel awful but I have no control over it, wish I did.<P>I think, strange to say, that this may be a good sign. Obviously he and I need to get this under control, but at least for me I know that the basis of the anxiety attacks is concern over our relationship. If he were<BR>really "out of there" he wouldn't be shaking.<P>Take care, hope this helps somehow.

Victoria, caterpillar,judith, hanora, Thank you so much for responding. My H called from work to check on me. He then came home and you would not believe, he made love to me and kissed me a zillion times.<P>He said he is trying and he will call tomorrow. He will be back in town this Sunday night but does not know if he is up to staying the night, because of the shaking.<P>I told him he needs to see a Dr or something to get different medication instead of prozac. He said he would think about it.<P>At least he did not say he was never coming home. He kissed me goodbye when he left.<P>Maybe I still have a little hope. He and O/W are only talking at work when necessary. She is out of the office a lot also so that is good. They have only been not talking any other time other than work for about a month.<P>I am still so worn out. I have cried almost all night during our long talk. We were finally open and honest about a lot of things and was able to talk about O/W a little.<P>Now he will be gone a month. He will be checking in while he is gone.<P>So like you guys said I need to concentrate on me. The things I wanted to do was finish a romance novel I started 3 years ago. Before I was married I like to work out so I have joined a club.(My H is paying for it)<BR>What I wanted out of life besides my kids was for me to acomplish something big. So maybe finishing my book would help, but it is hard to write about romance when one feels like this.<P>Thanks for the info about the shaking, I am going to copy and paste it and email to H.<P>I think I am calming down, and now ready for a shower and a long nap.<P>You guys really came to my rescue in my darkest hour of dispair. I know I am not out of the woods. I know I may not make this marriage work. But with a support team like you guys it sure helps to know I can come here and you all come through with just the right words for me.<P>Hugs to all of you<BR>

Bless you sweetheart. I am so happy for you.<P>I too know that without support, from something like MB or other sources, I would never survive.<P>You're sounding so much more positive and I applaud you.<P>Well done.<P>Judy

my3Kids, (and you need a name that defines you! LOL how about novelist to be?) <P>I am glad you feel a little bit better, But Go Get that Book! You can't let your husbands response dictate your mood, while you are feeling good, work on you! <P>Super about working out, I love to work out! and am pretty darn buff if I do say so myself and I only say that because I have worked so damn hard at it (and I did it for ME and no one else!) Have you ever tried Taebo? I love it! They have them for rent if you want to check it out, it is a super workout! Do you get any fitness magazines? Fitness is a great one.<P>About the novel, are you kidding? <BR>Look at the material you have and all the different twists your story lines could take!!! Write it reflecting your life, if you end up with dh what a great love story! If not and you end up with someone else, what a great novel for others to read, a journal of your journey throuh hell and how you made it through to love yourself, I see lots of different possibilties!<P>I am thinking finding YOURSELF would be a big thing you could do. What could be bigger or more important then finding your inner strength and realizing how much you can depend on yourself and all that life throws you. <P>You CAN do it novelist to be, I know you can!<BR>Now get dressed and go get that book girlfriend!!<BR> Cat<p>[This message has been edited by Caterpillar (edited March 01, 2000).]

Hello everyone, I am back now after a little nap.<P>I did not sleep long but I did have that large cup of hot tea....thanks for the suggestion. I am still in need of that hot bath.<P>Thanks Cat and Judith for checking up on me. You know when you have been a stay at home mom forever sometimes you lose your sense of self. I think that is were i am. Also I felt I could do nothing right for my H for a while and that is why I never finished my book. Because if you do not try you do not fail. I am so afraid of failure.<P>Yes, I could have lots of twists and turns in a story after the way my life has been lately.<P>Judith I forgot to tell you that I am sorry I made you cry earlier. This has been a hard day for me and still is. You should see the closet where his clothes used to be. It is like a big void.<P>I see my therapist tomorrow. I am going to ask her about the shaking.<P>I have had 3 friends call today and check on me, boy did they get a ear full.<P>Here is a interesting little note, I finally asked H where his wedding ring was after he took it off. I asked if he had thrown it out the car window. He was like NO, and asked havn't you seen it? I said no, he said it is on my key chain. I have it with me all the time, it will always be a part of me. <P>What do you make of that?<P>Do you guys see some positive signs in that he came to make sure I was ok, kisses goodbye, going to call tomorrow, gave me a work # where to reach him out of town?<P>Buy the way, I am starting to work out again. I am so far from buff........I have lost 25 pounds though and would like to take off another 20 or so. I am using the treadmill now and plan to start a weight training program next week.<P>Thanks Again All.....<P>I will think of a name for me as a writer...<P>

Glad you are feeling better. Do reach out when you need to. there is no problem with someone who has the courage to call on others. What a great gift you have. Some never reach out and suffer. Helping you helps me. If they do not reach out, I am not helped. Confusing, huh? About the prozac....I have a friend who was on it for 5 years. He finally switched to a Pysciarist (sp)? They have a Medical Degree and a physo whatever degree. This new doctor recognized that he was suffering from a little obsvered side effect: Interference with Thinking Process. I kid you not! He gradually switched to Wellebutrun (sp)? and Paxil. What a DIFFERENCE he feels. Gives thanks every day for finding out. He HATES prozac now. The combo dr. was at lot per hour, but hey, It was worth every penny. Better than suffering all those years. Whenever I see him now, he just smiles, and smiles, and really has gone off the deep end about Prozac. Tells any one within earshot. Worse than a reformed smoker! Anyway, a second opinon never hurts. Find a combo Dr. I have tried to get my h to think about seeing a dr. for meds, he is the athletic type, barley takes asprin, won't go. Sish. Take care, and I am so glad you are doing better. Victoria