I won't bore you with all the details of my situation refer to my profile for details. My question is why won't my H admit the affair. I felt sure when I found him at her trailer that he would admit it but he maintains that they are only friends. He always seems so mad when he has to talk to me. Every once in a while he might be nice but for the most part he has been mad for a whole year or more. How is that possible? Also when he comes to the door to pick up the kids he goes back and gets into his vehicle after ringing the doorbell. If I do happen to be the one to answer the door he won't look at me-he looks at the ground (of course he was not looking at me way before he left). Most of the time he is halfway back to the vehicle. I just don't get how he can be mad so long. Can anyone give me some helpful insights to his behavior?

Hi bailey,<P>I'll try to give you some insight, although your husband is acting differently then I did, so I'm not totally sure what's going on in his head. I can just make a few educated guesses.<P>The reason why he still appears to be angry is guilt. He feels guilty for leaving you for another woman. He knows deep down that it is wrong. He justifies this in his head by blaming you for everything that went wrong. He stays angry because if he wasn't angry then he might give you the impression that he was sorry for his actions. And that of course would mean that he has some blame in all this. He can't admit that even to himself.<P>All his behavior points to guilt. That's my guess...<P>--andy

I agree with Airheart's comments. Betrayers need to justify their behavior in some way in order to live with themselves. If they let themselves acknowledge what they have done, the pain might be overwhelming.<P>Anger is a very interesting emotion. It's kind of like ketchup - it covers up whatever is underneath. It allows the betrayer to escape the pain of his own guilt. Until the anger passes, they can't see what else they feel.<P>Question for you - what can you do to dissipate his anger so you can see what remains? Some of the things I have done - apologizing for my role in the marital breakdown and taking signficant responsibility for this, making changes in myself that I know he would like, being unbelievably nice to him under these circumstances (dinner invitations, playing Nintendo with him and son, renting comedies, all the things he loves), and absolutely no love busting. It's pretty hard to hold onto anger when it's not reciprocated. I can see that my husband is not angry, but he sure is confused and indecisive.<P>How are you holding up these days?<P>

Thanks Airheart for your reply. He always used to say if he ever did anything I would be able to tell which is so true. He hasn't been able to look at me for some time. At this time I think he does totally blame me for everything in the marriage. Do you think there will ever come a time that he will take a look at himself and see his part in all of this? Maybe if she leaves him?? <P>Distressed-I loved the comparison to ketchup. <BR>How long do you think his anger will last? I thought perhaps if he stayed mad that he might not have to deal with his own feelings of pain & loss. I just don't think I can stand him being with her after our divorce. I've tried telling him I'm sorry and what I would do different if he came back-I did this periodically for 8 months even after I found out about the affair but he would always seem so frustrated and say "You just don't get it-it is over". I sometimes wonder if he has even had a moment through all of this that he has questioned what he is doing. Does he feel like he has messed up so bad that he just has to make the best of it with her. I know at this point he thinks she is probably his soulmate from all I've read. I hope the affair dies a natural death with her leaving him because I don't think he is strong enough to leave her. We haven't spoken to each other other than one time when he called to work out a deal to sell something. I am trying to be tough and act like I don't care-you know Dr. Harley's Plan B-but I want to cry out in desparation and stop this somehow. I thought about sending him a letter later telling him all the things that I have been angry about and have had to stuff for 20 years and end it on a positive note with memories and things that we have shared that I will miss. Do you think this would be a good idea?? At least if we are not talking I guess we can't love bust??He wants me to only communicate with him through writing. I wonder how much of this is her telling him to not have any contact with me or if he is afraid of his own emotions. Sorry I have rambled on so-I am just trying to make sense of all this. Thanks for your post.

Bailey,<P>I'm not sure but it's very possible that he will only see the error of his ways after his relationship with the OW has ended. I do know that it will be MUCH less probable while he is with the OW. He'll probably stay in deep denial while with her in order to keep justifying his relationship and the fact that he ruined other lives. Plus it sounds like they are still in the fantasy phase of their relationship, which means he's not able to see what's real.<P>Me personally, I don't think it's a good idea to send that letter you were planning on writing. I'm not sure how much good it would do judging by how he's acting right now. Besides, it's not good Plan B tactics anyway... But you know your husband best.<P>--andy