Hi Everyone,<P>Yes I'm feeling much better this week. The depression has subsided....for now...<P>Plan-b hasn't been as difficult as I imagined...<P>It was brought to my attention that before I go plowing on with my plans for filing for a seperation that Robin and I should actually talk about our marriage. We haven't talked at all about it since Dec22. So I may break my plan-b for one contact so we can talk about the state of things. I want to see if she can really get honest with me. I believe she is miserable as hell. I have no real expectations about this at all. Any how if anyone has any thought please feel free to share.<P>Thanks,<P>Bill<P>We know not what the future holds.<BR>But we rest in peace knowing Who holds the future.<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<BR>I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I'm glad you're feeling better. Wouldn't it be great if the good feelings hung around a little longer??<P>Take care, you!<BR>Mitzi

Bill,<P>I am not really sure what you should do about the whole discussion about the D thing. Maybe you should hold off for a while to see if plan B has had any affect (just a suggestion). Or maybe talking about a divorce now will really shake her up and wake her up. Boy, I sure am helpfull aren't I. <P>Anyway, hugs to you.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BILL}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

Nicole,<P>I gues I'm being missunderstood. My intentiom isn't to talk about divorce but to talk about us. I'm not going to put all of my cards on the table I wanted to see where her mind is.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P> I don't understand your big hurry to get a divorce. You haven't been in plan B very long. What if it works, or what if it would work but she see the talk about divorce as it is really over. Is it? Unless you are absoutely sure that you want it to be over, then don't even suggest it. To me a divorce is final. It means I don't want you back into my life ever. Now Irealize that there is a chance (some have done it) could get back together. But are you willing and ready to take that chance? Are you completely ready to give up on Robin? Please think about this before you take those steps. <P>I received an email the other day talking about anger the jest was that a father had a son put a nail in the fence everytine he got angry. As the son did better and put less nails in the fence the father said everytime you go a day with out getting angry take a nail out soon the fence was with out nails but in its place was a fence full of holes. The father said a person is like that you can get angry and you can say you are sorry but you can never repair the damage you have done. Think about this.<P>Give plan more time a few weeks is not enough. {{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Bill guess we were posting at the same time. But I don't think it is time for contact. Don't contact her let Robin contact you. You don't need that discuss as it won't solve anything. Just get you upset. She needs more time without you. Other wise she will tell you she wants a divorce. Never ask anyone in this condition if they want to talk about their marriage, they will tell you they want out. Do you want to hear that do you want that pain. Give it more time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Bill,<P>Glad to hear the depression is subsiding.<BR>I certainly understand your desire to want to talk to Robin about the state of the marriage prior to filing for legal separation. I'd probably feel the same way.<BR>Yet, I'm sure I'd come to the conclusion that I needed to stick to Plan B until such time that it was clear that it was either working or had no effect at all on Robin. I'd probably ask the theropist to guide on the timing. You said yourself that you think Robin is "miserable as hell". That would imply that things may well swing your way in the not too distant future.<P>I'm not sure where you are at with all this going on emotionally at the moment, Bill. But, I can tell you that I've decided that it is not the next 6 months, year, or even two years that matter in the relationship, it's the next 5, 10,20, and 40 years that matter. That perspective gives me a lot of patience. No, the ups and downs don't stop within me, but I'm more at peace with how much time I need to give things to work out.<P>As my Mom says - time heals all wounds. And, as I've said many times to you, I for one have a ton of faith that you and Robin will end up together. Afterall, she is with a baby (that just can not and will not last - believe it Bill). Second, when she got the Plan B letter she said "I'm losing my best friend". Remember, those words are precious, and indicate that she was not expecting anything like that at all. These I think are good signs. Time, patience, persistence on your part, and God will all help bring things together. No, I can't guarantee anything, but base on what I've read from you, I sure have one heck of a lot of faith that this will work out.<P>Keep the faith Bill,<BR>SamH

Hey Bill,<P>A few years ago a lawyer [totally unrelated subject] asked me what is the final result that I am looking for and how will my actions help get me there?<P>Do you absolutely need to file for a separation to protect assests, the home, yourself or Abby?<P>If not I have a one word answer for contacting Robin right now. DON"T DO IT!. Oh, wait, that was three. OK, let's try that again. DON'TDOIT! There that was one. <P>Robin is not herself and you would only hurt yourself at least as much as I did this weekend if not more. Robin is not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep. Get it?<P>The body count may rise, but, we will survive.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Tim<P>

Di, Sam, Tim,<P>In order for me to protect assets (My D) I will need to file a lawsuit for sole custody. This will go over like a you-know-what in church. In doing so an early property settlement agreement needs to be filed ie:seperation papers. OB will be 18 in 6 weeks. Should I wind up getting divorced I will need the little bit extra leverage od the OB is a minor. Also you have to realise that even though R is not useing drugs (so she says), she is basicly living that life style. I know for a <B>FACT</B> that _head sells dope. I do not want my D around that kind of vermin. That is part of the reason I got clean, I didn't want D to see that ugly side of this world first hand. In order to keep that from happening I believe I should be the main caregiver. So...Before I go plowing into filing I thought it might be prudent to actualy talk to Robin. I'm not going to reveal these things to her, but I want her to see in my eyes and hear from my mouth that I stillwant to put this marriage back together.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Bill,<P>I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. <P>I fell off the Plan B wagon so many times last time, but I have just had my first Plan B day today. I still feel great about my decision.<P>As for you contacting Robin, I really don't understand the ins and outs of your legal system, and what you have to file. Is that what you need to discuss with Robin? I completely understand and support your wanting to protect Abbey, she must be kept away from that sort of thing at her tender age. There's plenty of time for that later.<P>I lean towards agreeing with SDS (I think it was) whereby she said if Robin is swaying in the breeze, maybe the mention of divorce could be the wrong thing. Could you maybe leave out the word divorce, but mention that you need to file the 'whatevers' to protect Abbey and yourself for whatever may happen in the future?<BR>I know what I'm trying to say, I hope it comes across right.<P>thinking of you, and sending a hug<P>Jo

Bill,<P>I wish I could offer you some advice, but I am the one who just up and gave up. I couldn't take all the pain anymore. I am still on a roller coaster. I feel good and sink a little, but nothing like the hurt I felt before.<P>It seems like the more I ignore H , the nicer he is. I feel bad, in my heart I know my marriage is truly over. How could I ever turn back, after all he did? <P>I do not want to be contradictoray, but if your lawyer suggests you file, for the sake of custody, and because OB age will change, than do what you must to protect your own child. I have heard of people filing for divorce, seperation, even divorcing and still getting back together. I almost believe, if its meant to be, its meant to be. But in the meantime, take care of the most important things first. I would hope that filing wouldn't push your wife away totally. I guess if it did, theres always the chance that it would have happened anyway. <P>Could she be trying to buy time because she knows the fate at stake? I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I want to see some recovery around here. I just know my H knows just what to say to keep me on that little string just a little longer.<P>Prayers and hugs, Dana<BR>

I think what Bill is saying here is that because he hasn't talked to his W in so long about the situation that he feel like he should at least talk to her and see what her current feelings on the situation are before he takes this action.<P>Filing papers is something that he obviously feels hemust do at this point for whatever reasons.<P>Bill has done such an excellent job at not talking about the affair and LB'ing, that perhaps maybe he has done to good a job at it.<P>This is my thinking here. IMHO, I can't help but think that even though most of us LB, it in a way shows our WS's that we do still really care. If we didn't care, we wouldn't be so upset by it and we wouldn't give a damn... pardon my french.<P>What if his W thinks that he doesn't really care? What if she feels as if maybe he doesn't want her back that much because in her eyes he hasn't really fought for her? If she feels this way, could she also feel as if she couldn't come back even if she wanted to?<P>I feel that if he just serves her with papers and doesn't at least try to talk to her and see how things stand with her, then wouldn't the receipt of those papers just intensify that feeling? <P>But if makes that effort, to touch base in hopes of a reconciliation with her and let her know face to face that he still loves her and wants her in his life; it seems to me that will reinforce the words in his plan B letter and give her more to think about.<P>If she states that she is still not interested in a reconciliation, then at least he tried and won't ask himself what if I had tried again, would it have made a difference?<P>And... he will have the oppurtunity to let her know if this is what she really wants that he will get the ball rolling. <P>If she is just blindsided by these papers, then I think that alot of the words he said in the plan B letter will be lost. But if he talks to her first and can reinforce those words and then still files... she will have no reason to be upset with him. He will have tried everything within his power and she will know that.<P>Bill... just don't expect anything. Protect your feelings in that manner. That way if nothing comes of it, you won't be as hurt and if it does make a difference in your favor it will be all that more rewarding.<P><BR>Come on everybody... let's support Bill here and pray for the best for him and his family.<P>Genie

No advice, never been in your shoes, you will do what you must after careful consideration. <P>I know this is really tough for all of you. Life is really tough sometimes, heck it as my boys would say "sucks big time'. Many people are thinking of you, hoping for all of you. I trust is may provide some comfort.<P>Take care and good luck.

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Jo,<BR>I don't want to talk to her about divorce. I just want to get a feel for where she is in her mind and let her know that I want her in my life still<P>Genie,<BR>You are pretty well on the mark as far as my intentions about talking to her. I do not expect her to come running back, I just want her to know I'm still here.<P>Honora,<BR>Thanks for careing, and this does suck...lol<BR>I've been very careful in my thinking. I don't know for sure if she knows I still want her, I intend in reaffirming that and that is all.<P>Thanks,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hey Bill,<P>Maybe you should just be honest with her and tell her you are thinking about filing for custody and be up front telling her that it is in Abbey's best interest. <P>Maybe ask Robin first how life is with rb and if she says things are tough then ask her if she thinks that is the best option for Abbey.<P>I found that whenever I brought something up to my then wife, and usually in a lovebuster form, she would fight me tooth and nail, but eventually she would come back to me with the same idea in her words. So if you can exclude the LBS, that might be the way around this.<P>Best of Luck and God Bless<P>Bob

Bill,<BR>Didn't realize that you had nothing legal to keep Abbey with you. You do need to take care of that for Abbey's sake. I really don't know what to tell you but maybe you should ask her what her plans are. If she plans to stay with $@!# then you need to tell her that you plan to file for sole custody of your daughter. I am not sure you will have to explain why of course if she is like my H you will. Gently say thir life style isn't what you want Abbey growing up in. I don't think you will have to go into any details Then she has to make the choice. If she stays with him you follow through. Yes you probably need to do this the sooner the better. My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P><p>[This message has been edited by SDS (edited March 02, 2000).]