Since I found out h has been in constant contact with ow since discovery (8 months) he has agreed to sit down today and go over the guidelines in Harley's book for no contact. He still does not want to involve a counselor so I am going to be the one to set the agenda. I don't feel real comfortable with this because I think it will be real easy for him to develop negative thoughts for me. I need advice and prayers that this will all go positively. Has anyone else done this without a counselor involved? He truly says that he does want to get beyond this but is not quite sure how to do it -- "it's so difficult". He has no idea how difficult it is for me to have to face this again. Any suggestions on setting up the guidelines without sounding like its selfish demands? I plan to take everything out of the book verbatim. He started to read but stopped when it got to the section about no contact(maybe 60 pages into the book) I feel very hopeless at this point. Not sure how much longer I can be the only one to work on this.

Derby,<P>You are so very brave! To lead your husband this way is definitely the right thing to do. He will thank you many times over (later). Congradulations on this important step. I will pray for both of you.<P>Guidelines. Others will come along soon who have more experience than I. I do think you should ask your spouse everyday "Has there been any contact?" Everyday. Explain to H why you need to do this (for you) and perhaps it will help him knowing you are going to ask later in the day, so does he want to have to answer yes or no? Everyday for a while.<P>You can be so very proud of yourself for doing this for your family. Tell H too, everyday that you are proud of him for no contact, and admire him for taking responsiblity. And he does deserve admiration for sitting down with you and seeking your help. Tell him so.<BR>Again, you are doing so very right by your family. Congradulations.<P>Victoria

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Derby}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>It truly is up to him. You can't make him do no contact. And your marriage won't heal until he does stop contact. And your lovebank will drain...and he may lose YOU. There are consequences to his continued contact with her, you go on with your life--and that is another aspect of what Plan A & B are about--YOU.<P>You may want to go with more of a LOVE MUST BE TOUGH/Dobson approach. His behavior is not acceptable and until he is wholely able to commit to the marriage, you are going on with your life with or without him. Wishing him well of course, not an ultimatum, just the consequences of his choices. (Kind of Plan B without the strict no contact with you).<P>I try to think of what I could have done before I got to the place where I am, where my love & trust banks feel like deep, dry wells. I don't know if I could have changed anything, I did what it seemed I could do...Plan A forever.<P>God bless you in your efforts.<BR>Lor

Derby-<P>I have been praying for you and your H and won't stop until you are both healed.<P>Others might disagree with me but for some reason I feel that until your H does go to a counsler of some sort he is in a bit of denial. I think he is unaware of the geat sense of relief he will feel by telling a counsler or clergyman and getting some outside help.<P>Wish I could be of more help <P>Hugs to you both for a good day and happy healing!<p>[This message has been edited by fallen_angel (edited March 02, 2000).]

Thanks for all of the great support. This is not going to be an easy afternoon at all.

I agree with Lor.<P>You can not control his behavior. Only he can control his behavior.<P>You can draw bounderies for yourself, but I'm not sure that either being his "Mom" or his "Police" will get your desired outcome.<P>I would maybe restate that his contact is unacceptable to you, but that you are committed to the marriage. Then let him draw up his own guidelines. Let him take ownership of them rather than just "agree" to them.<P>Best of luck!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I think he has said he wants to break it off, but he is not sure how to. To me, he is asking for your help and guidence. And that is good. He cannot break if off by himself. He has had the opportunity to set his own guidlines, and has not been sucessful. I would approach this as a team effort to move away from something that is destructive to your marriage. You both need to work together to combat triggers, to achieve accountablity. You are in effect, supporting your husband'sm decision to break away, and there are certain things you can do to support that. Like asking him everyday if there was contact, if so, not LB, but staying calm discuss a soultion to aviod it again. Take care. Victoria

My talk with h went well today. he seems relieved that everything is out in the open. Like most affairs, this one is dying a natural death. H still doesn't know how or why it started. Who knows. We had a nice talk about everything that we have lost. Ow was my best friend and I miss that friendship, her h was my h best friend and that relatioship is missed, our kids were best friends and those relationships are missed. Affairs cost you way more than is ever anticipated when they begin. It was nice to be able to talk about that together. I guess this is just one more painful step along the way to total recovery. H has said he will not contact her anymore. He feels that he is fully throught withdrawal. i think that is an illusion so i would appreciate prayer for him as he passes the next time he would normally call her. God truly gave me a patience today that is not normally mine. He is good.

Great! Patience is a virture. Why is that all the old sayings always turn out so ture? Keep up the good work. You together with your h will make it. Many people are praying for you and your family each day. Victoria

P.S. Why don't you call him at the dangerous time? Make it a habit for a week or so. Or even go have lunch it that was a dangerous time. Take care.

My H had dwindling phone contact for about 8 weeks after his brief 4 week affair.<P>When I discovered this, it was as bad if not worse than the rest of the affair.<P>He finally told me he really didn't want to talk to her and there were long awkward pauses in the conversations, but he felt obligated to ask her how she was doing.<P>He is not sure why he felt that way, but at the time he did.<P>I know what a punch in the gut it is to find that phone card.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13