My H and I are trying to begin the long awaited process of ending his affair. He has taken the first step by telling her it is over between them but that was only tonight.<P>He and I spoke and I told him about this forum. He asked what I could find on the subject so please help me out!<P>I would be most interested in hearing from the men themselves on why they feel they did what they did. I can see that on the surface she might be beautiful or whatever, but at the root of it, what took you away from doing the right thing, remaining faithful and true to your wife? Seems a man doesn't just betray, be it e or p simply because she is beautiful but rather because something is missing.<P>I am under the impression at this time that H does not have any complaints with me, as some of you might think we need to take a look at the Love Bank..been there done that..and Emotional Needs Test...did that, too. And even though this woman is more beautiful and perfect than I, physically speaking, even he doesn't feel this was the reason he was drawn away from me.<P>It is not for me but to answer my H's question...why would a man do it? He's not even sure himself and is looking for possibilities that could apply to him.<P>He wants to work this through and that's a great sign so for those of you who have cheated, be it P or E, and for those of you who know why your H cheated, I would really appreciate your input on this.<P>Thanks for your help!

There is a post today called "What do you make of this?" by Keridwen7. It has some answers from men about why they did what they did. Guard (?) had a response. Perhaps you could go look there, and then post to them on a new topic. Hope this helps.

<BR>edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

An affair is a just a sympton of a problem in a marriage. There was obvious something either wrong with the marriage of something wrong with the cheating spouse that he felt that instead of working on it, it would be easier to run to someone else, due to the "no hassles" part of life. For my H, I think it was his ego was being fed. I could tell how much she cared for my H, it showed in her emails and even when she was around him (from what I hear). I think it felt good being a HERO in her eyes. Instead from me all he got was arguments and accusations with good reason though. My H also told me the OW was fun, similar interest and that she was headache free, meaning no arguments, no hassles, whatever he said goes! Which is part of the fantasy of it all. A break away from the issues of reality. With OW she never questioned his where abouts. She didn't know about me, thought I was just the obsessed mother of his kid! (Affair happened before we were married, but since we never dealt with it, we have a lot of problems now)! Anyhow, that's how I see it. I truly believe H loved OW, though he will never admit it to me.

Hi Claudia--<BR>Yes and no regarding my H moving out. He's technically out but admittedly, I keep finding a weak spot in my heart and letting him stay here at the house. He's sort of living out of two places at once. I do want him to spend time with the kids and my son adores his father so by the time he gets put to sleep, the night is over and I haven't the heart to put him out the door as he does seem sincere and I don't mind it myself...meaning, I want him to feel our love and then,too, he has to feel the consequences as well. I'm not as strong as I wish I could be, nor am I completely sure that keeping him out of the house is in our best interest but I think it is the wiser of the two options (in or out that is.)<P>Yes he is a MAJOR conflict avoider which is why it has taken two years before I found out about the affair. I'd hearn him speaking to his brother in their mother tongue and could tell this was not "right" as it sounded "sweet". The next night as well it happened again so after H went off to sleep I hit the redial button and got her. <P>He did tell me that he'd gotten around to feeling that they should end the affair and that she'd even said if they couldn't marry by the end of the year then their relationship would have to end, because she's getting old, all of 31! However, his relationship has not "fizzled". He is still feeling that he loves her and wants her as his wife...in case you missed this before, in his religion he can have more than one wife. However, he also knows he will lose me and the children if he dares to follow through on this marriage or even the mildest of friendships with her. It is for this reason only he is calling it quits. Not becasue he was ready but because he got caught and has accepted that he needs to do the right thing now...not that he is ready but he is trying.<P>My H was extremely secretive about it. Two years back I learned that he'd met her and had developed feelings for her. At that time I spoke to them both and told them to stop or I'd leave. Weeks later he approached me and confessed they were still visiting by phone but that it had ended finally. ONly now, two years later, did I find out that was a lie. It had never ended. What happened was quite simply that he outsmarted me so I had no way to catch him. Can't trace calls with a payphone! I'd approached him several times telling him I knew things were wrong and specifically addressed many thoughts I'd had, all of which turned out to be right. So you see, even though I was there, being nice, completely honest and open and willing to take the hard blows about his feelings, he just couldn't bring himself to tell me...I even accused him of having a completely other life that I knew nothing about and he got all bent out of shape over the remark! <P>So yes, he was secretive and he is certainly a conflict avoider. But what betrayer isn't secretive? And as far as conflict avoidance ... I read the post which ponders over this thought and can't help but think that it is simply human nature to act as such when one is involved in something so wrong. I mean, I can only imagine the guilt that must go along with this behavior, and I can't even imagine how much strength it must take to confess to such a behavior, and to think they'd admit to it before even getting caught is totally unreal...so I don't really think this conflict avoidance issue has so much to do with "who is the type to do it and who isn't"...like I said, for anyone who has betrayed, they would fit such a mold just because of the shame.<P>Claudia why do you feel he almost has to divorce you and what does he have to get out of? Small town would describe where I am living...but I dont' feel we have to divorce. I posted a reply to you in another topic, I think it was Been There Done That...check it out okay! And be strong!<P>

Victoria in Texas<P>Thanks I will look those up! I appreciate your input because there are so many posts it is like looking for a needle in a haystack! <P>Thanks ever so much!

Trying2 4give<P>Thanks for posting. How long has it been now? Perhaps you've other posts but I haven't come across it yet or I've read so many I'm getting my names mixed up, for which I apologize.<P>I think you are right in that it is a symptom of a different problem either in the marriage itself or with the spouse...but I guess I'm trying to run a survey of sorts here to find out "typically" what is the problem or reason for turning away from one's wife and towards another woman.<P>I believe ego has much to do with it given what I have read. So many damsles (sp?) in distress, reaching out for a friend, "whoops he is married..oh well, never mind, we're just friends" then look out, all hell breaks lose and nobody is in control anymore.<P>I think along with the ego thing is also the fact that it feels good...he's needed and there are no worries, no hassles, no milk to bring home, no budget to accomodate. She doesn't cost a cent and doesn't involve herself with the realities of life.<P>Here's a thought...at what point do we label it a midlife crisis? I mean, some men are not going through such a thing and behave this same way...while others do suffer from it and react by having an affair. So is the "cure" different? Is the recovery different? Hmmmm....<P>Thanks again and looking forward to more of your thoughts.

For my story:<BR>Boyfriend cheated with another woman for 4 years, I married him anyway thinking that that would help ease the pain, my silly thinking that "he chose me"! We had been together for 7 years had a child together, but were on again off again type of thing. OW thought I was just the ex, who is also the mother of his child. When I finally let her know that he was playing us both and SH$T hit the fan. We both confronted him, he chose me, but still kept contact with OW, leading her on but when she gave him an ultimatum to leave me, he didn't and that's when she decided to share all the details via email of their contact, sent me all the emails (i was devasted reading it all)! But when it came down to it, I blame her too, she knew we were trying to work it out but she didn't tell me that he was still contacting her until after he rejected her! I was pregnant with our second child when i found out about continued contact and was planning our wedding. I still married him, which was for the wrong reasons..pregnant, to show OW how he chose me, not her but also because I LOVED HIM. We thought that getting married would be a band-aid on a sore, but after the wedding the sore was still their turning into a BIG INFECTION. I never got to deal or heal from the resentment, anger and hate of it all and it seeps through. We are now in marriage counseling and things are going pretty good so far. It was a nasty situation when OW sent me all the emails, because H turned on her like she was his worst enemy, though he brought us all into this Jerry Springer drama. You have a long road ahead of you and you BOTH have to work and communicate postively together! Somethings maybe painful to hear but you have to hear it to get beyond it or to do things differently so that you both come out of this together. OW, i think filled his emotional needs, admiration, respect, when I was to angry and filled with resentment to show any love. I still have a hard time with trust and anger, because i feel he brought all my negative emotions towards him on himself. But I am REALLY trying to save my marriage and for us to FALL IN LOVE all over again. Just deal with one thing at a time. I guess the first place is to find out if he REALLY only wants to be with you, then start from their. Read the book, Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, and LoveBusting. Also to answer your question we have been married for almost 2 years, but together for 10.

Is there hope?<P>I am sure there are conflicts in any marraige. But like I asked my husband "What could I have possibly done short of sleeping with all of the neighbors, physically or E abusing you, ETOH or drug abuse to make you want to SUDDENLY leave an 11 year marraige and three kids without ever saying word one of any conflict, telling me you loved me every day, and saying there is nothing we can do?!!!!!!<P>Someone told me that because of the conflicts in the marraige it made him more susceptible to having the affair. I think its the other way around. The affair made the conflicts seem WAY exaggerated. I mean I think we can really make a strong case for or against the same person.<P>This of course does not mean that I am unwilling to change to his changing needs. I would welcome the chance and do anything I could. I told him this a month ago. I basically haven't said anything else since. I have no idea where the marraige stands. HE was soooooooooooo possessed looking for 2 months that I decided I had to really back off and be totally unconditional and try to provide a safe environment for him to come back to.<P>Problem is when can I even ask what we are doing. He is in counseling himself right now. He does come see the kids and he calls every day. He hugs me and we have alittle talk. I really hope I am building up the Lbank. But I don't know. <P>The OP works by his side for 8-12 hours a day. (MD-Phyasst.) She apparently has been telling people that she left her husband and is going to be with mine. He has not yet asked for D. <P>I believe this is a MLC due to other behavoiors. Actually, S.Harley calls it a giver snap. Seems my H's taker took over and since it is not the usual MO it looks like a bull in a china closet. It's all about ME me me.......My H. even said " I am not getting any younger. I know I am being selfish" This seems so wrong. How can you just leave your kids and say "they will be fine"<P>