This week has been so awful. I have not been this depressed since I found out about H's affair. Driving home from work the other day I just began crying uncontrollably. I didn't want to go home because I didn't want my children to see me like that, however, went home anyway. They were outside playing and I went right up to my room. About 1/2 hour after I got home my H came upstairs and asked what was wrong. I just want to scream at him and say, "HELLO - WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG"? There were no comforting words, no what can I do to help, no hug or affection at all, he just stared at me. How can the betrayer be so cold and insensitive? Why doesn't it seem to bother them at all when they see how bad you are hurting? I just don't understand.<P>Anyway, I guess I should get to the point. I know that I will be feeling this pain for a very long time and I have to find a way to cope. Aside from all the images and thoughts of what my H did, I can't help but think that we will never recover from this. Not because of the affair but because our main problem before the affair was his lack of attention given to me. I begged him for attention and more affection for months (probably years) with not a whole lot of response. I even told him how starved for affection I was and that if any man gave me a second look I don't know what I would do. I like to tell myself that I could never go through with anything because I just don't think I could deal with it personally. Now that his affair has been uncovered, he says he is comitted to our marriage and making it work. He does want to spend the rest of his life with me and he does love me, blah blah blah! (I'm in severe denial right now - I just don't believe anything he says.) But if he isn't going show his love and give me the affection I need then we won't be any better off that we were before. I so desperately need his comfort and affection to help me through this and I basically get nothing unless I ask for it. <P>I know I am driving him crazy with my roller coaster moods and even though I tell myself every day that I won't bring up the subject, I do it anyway and find myself asking the same questions over and over and over!! Then, of course, I just get even more hurt and angry and I never seem to be able to move on. Am I just in a cloud of pain, resentment, anger, etc., that I can't see a future for us or is it that I just can't forgive him? I'm am even beginning to doubt my love for him because I know in my heart that I don't want to have to do all the work to repair this marriage and I definitely don't want to live with a man that cannot show my love, affection and admiration.<P>HELP - HELP - HELP!!! WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

You will reach a place where you will be able to forgive him. And not for him, but for you. This does not mean you will forget. They are two different things. I understand completely where you are. It is amazing how a wayward spouse seems to think everthing is ok. And when something is wrong, they thing of 100 things it could be, expect the ONE thing that has impacted the family so much. Duh? Oh well. If you must verbalize to your husband, pls give me a hug and hold me, then I guess you have to. It would be nice if they were more in tune. Hold on, and be glad you h does want to work. Keep that in mind. Other h's sometimes are so mixed up in their thinking they THINK they want to go live with someone who has 14 kids, no car, never worked, smokes all the time, does drugs, has a long arrest record. They are simply out of their minds. I know this might not help you, but I sure have read alot of mentally lost, totally lost, minds out there.<P>Have you filled out an emotional needs questionnaire? It will help you write down your needs and you and your h swap needs. This would give your husband a written sheet to refer to, so he will learn how to meet your needs. You also identify how well your needs are being meet on a scale from -3 to +3. Helps to see where you are in relation to where you would like to be. You can order the workbook from the bookstore on the main page.<P>Hang in there. Others will be along shortly to give you better advice. But I do know what you mean. Just shake your head at how so very dense sometimes spouses can be .....<BR>Victoria

Boy can I relate. I am in a hurry not so I will try to respond in depth later.<BR>Take Care.<P>Acacia

Is your husband of Norwegian heritage????????????<BR>Sounds like mine.<BR>I too for years begged for affection and would finally receive alittle but that would go away soon.<P>But the kicker is here about a month ago I asked him to fill out the EN survey and quess what was #2 on his needs list affection<BR>GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P>Talk about a LB for me, maybe if he sees your EN survey he'll get a clue. I hope so because I know exactly were you are coming from and it is a miserable place to be!<P>------------------<BR>Peg

Your H sounds just like mine. It is not that he does not do anything to work on our marriage. It is just that he does not do anything without me asking and asking and asking. After awhile, it looses its meaning you know!It just does not mean anything after awhile.<P>This can hurt so much. Of all years, this is the year he decided not to buy me a V.day gift. (first time in 18 years) And yet, he says he wants to work on our marriage?<P>So the next week he bought me a gift to make up for it. Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate the gift but let's face it. He did not buy me the gift because he tought of me. He bought the gift to make up for the fact that he forrget me on V. Day. <P>This kind of behavior just goes on and on. It is a little like getting a get well card from someone who just put a knife through your heart!<P>Do you know what I mean? And of course he gets upset if I am not thoroughly thrilled that he finally thought of me after he saw how much his lack of effort or lack of thought for me hurts me. Doesn't he get it? He does not do anything until he can see how hurt I am. The problem is I always get hurt by his insensitivity to me and his failure to acknowledge the fragil nature of our relationship.<P>I must say. I have me doubts that this will work. Like you, I don't want to be the only one doing the work here.<P>Acacia

RHAWKINS, i think my NAME say's it all. It has been 2 years and I am still trying2 4give! It takes time and A LOT of patience. The guilt the betrayer feels, makes them want to just sweep every horrible thing they did under the rug. But it is their mistake, because moving on just doesn't work like that. What you are feeling is exactly what EVERYONE here has gone through and still go through. Everyday, it goes through my mind what hurt i have been subjected to, but it has gotten easier with time, I no longer explode at H, which I did A LOT of exploding, to the point my anger was physical towards him. I had to learn how to control my anger and I am still learning. It appears to us that they are cold, when we are hurting, but I think they really don't know how to respond. Maybe they feel so disappointed in themselves that they feel stupid in trying to console us. But I have learned that when it comes to what you want or how you want your H to respond, then you are going to have to COMMUNICATE that to him.