Some of you may know that my stepdad (mom's husband) has recently been diagnosed with cancer. We are still awaiting more tests to find out what it is and what the treatment will be.<P>My mother is a miserable, mean-spirited, narcissistic, demanding, ungrateful, self-involved woman. No matter what I have done for her in my life, it's never enough. She professes to love me but with her it's all narcissistic -- it's all about her needs and her feelings. She hates my husband because he doesn't kiss her *ss, refuses to deal with her unless absolutely necessary, and won't kowtow to her...also because he "takes me away from her."<P>In some ways, my H and my mother are similar in that they are both very needy people, and what they need comes from me. However, my H is not malevolent, and my mother is. <P>My mother (who has treated her H like garbage for 20 years) now is filled with guilt and remorse, and is feels that she's entitled to some kind of cosmic good fortune, for some strange reason. She is like a four-year-old and is looking to me as if I am the all-powerful Mommy who can make it all go away if I just tried hard enough.<P>In short, she's nuts.<P>Mom & stepdad will be staying with us for one week and possibly two at the end of the month, when he has his tests. It's going to be H*ll on earth for me, because she is out of control. The challenge for me is going to be to keep my folks together without driving my H crazy, because if it's too intolerable, guess where he's going to go for solace and support: Yup. Dragon Lady. And I need that with my mother in the house like I need a second navel.<P>I'm already planning to book H and myself into a hotel over the weekend while they're staying at our house. I have told H that he comes first, and I mean it. My mother has done nothing for me but mess me up, and if I have to make a choice, H will win.<P>And to top things off, H's mother died of cancer when he was a kid, and he has many unresolved issues about it.<P>If any of you have ever been through anything like this and have any helpful hints, I'm all ears.<P>

No...nothing like this...but I've got good ears <P>Just remember that just because he behaved one way in the past does not mean he will repeat it in the future, given the changes you made in your relationship.<P>He doesn't deserve to be tried and convicted of a crime he might commit, after all.<P>Since you know your Mom and have accepted how she is...just endure. You're not going to change her and you are not going to allow her to damage you emotionally anymore.<P>Just try to take of her legitimate needs best you can, and slather yourself up with imaginary Vasoline everyday and let everything roll off!<P>Plus try to look for nuggets of good in the whole stinking situation. You may be surprised.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

D&C:<P>I certainly don't mean to make light of your troubles with your mom, but when I read your post, I had this mental image of your mother as being like that horribly narcissistic, annoying, crazy Long Island Jewish woman that Tracy Ullmann portrayed in her comedy sketch "Tracy Ullmann Takes New York" several years ago on HBO.<P>I'm sorry if that strikes a bad chord with you, but I recalled from some of our earlier posts that you are of the Jewish faith, and I just had this mental image of this woman with an annoying accent and a self-absorbed manner barging in and ordering you around with her big bouffant hair and gaudy jewelry!<P>It got me laughing a little remembering how funny that show was. <P>In reality, I feel for you and your H right now. It's difficult to deal with a parent or parent-in-law that is inconsiderate and hard to get along with.<P>If it's any consolation, I think checking yourself and H into a hotel to stay away is a brilliant move. H has GOT to appreciate that a lot!<P>Hang in there with your mom. Just remember that "this, too, shall pass."<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited March 03, 2000).]

Well, Lonestar, my mother isn't QUITE that stereotypical. She doesn't have a Noo Yawk accent, and she's not really loud, and she doesn't wear expensive clothes, but she's very pushy and very self-absorbed.<P>And she's NOT funny. <P>My mother gives a new dimension to "difficult and hard to get along with." Call it "impossible to get along with", because she's like a four-year-old and I'm mommy, and she wants me to make it all better -- and throws a tantrum when I can't.<P>The hotel thing is mandatory, because there's no way I can, well, you know, with my MOTHER right downstairs. And that's important these days. Plus, I figure after "four days on", my H will need the rest from her.

Hi ,<BR> I don't know what else to suggest, maybe a massage for your H and you? Can you get out and do one of the walks your H likes? Could you get Dragon lady out of town on an important work issue that needs her special touch? Or sacrifice some other poor male to her? <BR> Hang in there, I'm thinking of you and hope it all goes as well as possible.<BR>Lora