Still dealing with the sadness of the miscarriage.<P>But it also threw me for a loop in other ways. When I got pregnant two months after discovery, I realized I had to stop waffling about our relationship. I was focused on the baby that would be born and needed an intact family. Sounds awful, but I made the decision by default.<P>H has really arranged his life around meeting mine and the kids needs, a balancing act with his very demanding work.<P>He is being the man I always wished he would be. So why am I so unhappy??<P>He thinks it's up to me to decide to be happy. Right here I am deciding to give this marriage everything I've got, stop feeling sorry for myself, and focus on the many good things.<P>I just don't understand my feelings. I feel he will leave the minute things get rough, even though I don't really believe that. I also feel, is this all there is after all??<P>I still must find my own way, something to fill my days now that my youngest is in pre-school. I can't return to my career. It was much like his, lots of hours, travel. Whatever I do, I want it to support the kids. (For those who don't think women should make all the sacrifices, I WANT to be there for the kids. I've been a career person and being a full-time mother is much more fulfilling to me.)<P>So, the question is, at the end of the day, he fills his life with work, what do I fill it with??? Why does my family no longer "fill" me? Is this related to the instability after the affair, or is it something else?

Oh girl!<BR>Give yourself a break. A year ago I was almost in your exact shoes. Pregnancy/miscarriage 3 months after discovery.<BR>Don't forget what your hormones are going through on top of everything else. Those hormones are doing somersaults!<BR>I think after everything you have been through you are expecting too much of yourself. <BR>Right now you must pamper yourself. Please! I ended up with some big problems because I didn't take it easy. Get a really good book and read. Do you like needlework? <BR>Honey, you have to let it get back together. Don't push yourself. Go slow. <BR>Prayers!!

My dear friend WS is absolutely right.<P>Feel what you feel for now...but realize that this a very difficult time for a whole bunch of reasons and you won't ALWAYS feel the way you do now.<P>For now just rest. Then grieve your losses but hold on and cherish your gains.<P>I think happiness is a decision somewhat...it at least is helped along with attitude. However, with the emotional and now physical trauma you have sustained, there just is no happy lever that you can use right this minute.<P>It takes to work through grief and work toward joy and peace.<P>You are now living through that time. There's a fine line between wallowing and trying to short circuit the experience and find an easier (imaginary) way out.<P>But you will find your way out...and in many ways you will be stronger and wiser. Really.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Schizzo,<P>You speak of two losses, a miscarriage and the loss of a dream in relation to a marriage. We all go into our marriages with the knight in shining armor and then comes the family. Let yourself feel, let yourself hurt, that is part of the healing. It's OK.<P>You asked what to fill your life with? Fill it with God. He will be all you need and more. Just ask Him. <P>Join us on the women's Bible study forum. Let us pray for you and support you.<P>If your H is trying then lets's pray that he has begun to see things clearly and not in the muddled way that wrong choices bring.<P>I'll be praying for you, Love, Taj<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

Schizzo,<P>It is also possible that you are depressed. You have discovered your H was having an affair, he almost left, you got pregnant unexpectedly, had a miscarriage and you are wondering what's wrong? It sounds like your coping capabilities have been stretched to the max right now. Have you seen your family doctor? Maybe anti-depressents would be the answer right now to get you some relief. Maybe I'm completely wrong but it is a possibility. I have been diagnosed myself with clinical depression and general anxiety disorder and my meds keep me sane. It's hard to have any energy to get out of bed much less try to save your marriage. If you can, try to get some activities outside the home to give yourself a break, too. Hope this helps. (((((hugs))))<P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

schizzo,<P>I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Wasstuborn has it right, your hormones are a HUGE part of why you are feeling so low. I also had a miscarriage and I was depressed and not myself for at least 3 months. Please allow yourself to grieve for this loss. Not to mention all of the rollercoaster emotions of rebuilding your marraige. <P>Take care.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I don't have the energy right now to reply individually.<P>We had a really great afternoon taking the kids several places in the Monterey/ Carmel area. If you haven't been here, it's one of my favorite places even though I live in Florida.<P>Yes, I have been through a lot. Less than four months ago I found out about the affairs. Two months later, I was pregnant (totally unplanned) but I accepted it and planned my life around the new one. Now, just two days ago, I lost the baby. Grief, relief in a way.<P>But beyond this, I still don't know if I want to spend my life with my h even now when he is being so great to me. That is what keeps my head spinning.<P>I think I answered my own question in my reply to Keosha. It is way too soon to make that decision. Along with the pregnancy, I sort of accepted the fact I had no real choices. I think that is why the loss of the baby had me wondering about the marriage again.<P>H and I are doing well together right now, I especially notice a palpable difference in the time all 4 of us spend together. I will relax and regain my strength, physically and emotionally. I will certainly be back at the gym next week to start working on the extra pounds from this short pregnancy.<P>The rest of my life is a long time. I will stop focusing so much on the future or the past and make the best of today. And today things are good in our family.<p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited March 04, 2000).]

Just keep remembering you have been through physical and emotional trauma. This is not a time to make radical decisions, especially with your precious children's home life.<P>Take out that calander and give it a year before you would consider any other action (given your H is on straight and narrow).<P>I would be willing to bet you will feel much differently then.<P>Did you ever get the Choosing to Forgive Workbook? It says a lot about not rushing forgiveness and recovery. You might benefit. Another great book, although haven't hear anyone else that has read it is The Heart of Commitment by Scott Stanley.<P>You should be taking it easy right now...so it would be a great time to sit back and relax!