edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Hi Claudia,<P>Great topic! This subject has been one of the biggest parts of my problem.....I never had those "sick in love" feelings with my H like I had with the OP and with earlier relationships prior to my H. Why not? Because with my H I never wondered if he was going to call, I never wondered where I stood with him, I knew that I was his first and only real desire..etc... It was exactly because I did not have those crazy feelings that I married him. That may sound nuts- but in my prior relationships I had always picked men who were emotionally unavailable to me in one form or another. And my H was not "my type" at all- further reasoning that I would probably do well with him. And for 10 years that was the case.....<P>so- what happened? H and I simply began to take each other for granted- and I suddenly- overnight even, began having all those "sick feelings" again over someone else. And of course this other person was also married- hence the emotional unavailablility I "liked" in the past....and once again- I was back to my old behaviors. And I forgot all the clarity that I had when I married my H- how all that "butterflies in the stomach" stuff goes away and you need a heck of a lot more than that. I forgot- and wondered why I did not have those feelings for my H. <P>I don't have those "sick, addictive" feelings for my H because what I have felt for him in the past - and present- is the real stuff- the friendship, companionship, and intimacy that lasts a lifetime.<P>Not the stuff that brings withdrawal and erratic behavior...........<P>Thank God!

Spooknook,<P>What a wonderful insight you have, you are a great woman with head on her shoulders. Girl your H should be carrying you in his arms all the time, he is a really lucky man.<P>I wish my W come down to earth from her fantasty land and feel the way you feel. This is excatly what happened in my marriage, we took each other for granted and I neglected her. There was someone else who showed her attention and the "butterflies in stomach" started to fly. Now she is "head over heels" in "love" with a married man (2 kids). It dosen't get better than this. I pray everyday for her awakening from this dream. Hopefully reality is going to set sooner than later. <P>God bless, you make my day.

Claudia,<BR>I know and I understand you need to try and understand his actions, his words and the whole thing but you can't! At least not now.<BR>It is hard not to let this situation consume you but you must try to resist it with all you have, because you will only drive yourself nuts.<P>I felt the same way and asked myself all the questions that there was to ask but it didn't do me a bit of good, it only drove me crazy. You will understand when it is time for you to understand but all the analising in the world won't help you now.<P>I know that it is hard but please try. I remember people telling me, all affairs end you just have to have patience and give it time. I hated those two words {patience and time} they were the 2 worst words in the world for me but they were 100% right!!!<P>Your H is not in his right mind at this point. If anyone tells you that shirt is blue not black and you look at it long enough, it will start to look blue sometimes. <P>Chances are that this OW is a flirt. I am sure that with as closly as she had been working with your H and the little inuendos that she has submitted, it turned out to be alot like that black/blue shirt. Most likely your H felt flattered and was somewhat brainwashed by her flattery. Its called a mid life crisis. <P>9/10, he will come to his senses and realize that she is the one color blind and not him. The hard part rests on your shoulders though and that is surviving until he comes to this realization.<P>Instead of dwelling on the actuality of the situation. Try to think of it as it really is and that is that your H is sick! He is suffering from a mental illness. He will wake up from this fog and realize his insanity and he will then wonder how he could've been so dumb.<P>I remember others telling me same thing but it was so hard for me to believe. I wanted to but I just didn't think that they knew what they were talking about. They did!!!!<BR>Please, please, please don't let this control you, make the decision to control it instead.<P>And just FYI, the affair comes first. And it WILL end!!!!<P>Genie

Thanks for your insight. I am consumed with this at times. Particularly when a family member will say he has had issues probably since the day you were married and never told you, and the unresolved conflict makes him more susceptible to the affair. <P>Yes I know it is a midlife crisis. Believe it or not I am getting through my days, nights and weekends pretty well. <P>It has only been a few months for me. I have always been so in love with him. I loved to hug him or spoon at night in bed. We actually held hands. He was a very affectionate man. If someone would have told me this would happen I would say they were nuts. <P>I have just been wondering if many disolved marraiges start like this and the spouse gets so blown away and believes all the junk that she/ he fades into the sunset. <P>I've been thinking about it being more of a battle where walking away isn't the right thing to do. So that's why I'm here. <BR>Thanks for the responses.

All the insights above make so much sense.Again the common"traits"that betraying spouses share are so spookingly similar,in a way I am so relieved when I read such accounts.My H also said He is "GONE"and is never coming back(ie he is not the same man he was and will never be)He said those EXACT <BR>words as someone elses' H did.He also walks around with a zombied,possessed,defensive, dazed and crazed look about him.He even asks me why am I staring at him???<BR> <BR>Claudia,<BR>I salute anyone for attemting a plan A.It is the most difficult thing I've done in my life.It breaks my heart when I read your description of how things were before.I too miss the "fun.easiness,relaxed times I had with my H.So much time is spent on frozen silences ,doubts,fears and anger as our S's go through this.<P>Genie<BR>I am so encouraged by your post.Time and Patience are also my enemies at the moment.I feel like throwing a bucket of frozen wateron my H 's head to snap him out of the love struck teenage phase he is in.It infuriates and consumes me as well.Last night I went to bed leaving him to watch Tv when I woke up to find he was on the phone (I could tell from the light on the phone in my room)I got SO SO mad.Is his addiction so bad that he is risking talking to her (OW)from Home?I didn't confront him,but needless to say was poker faced this morning and that is why I'm venting here.....<P>I really underestimated the power the addiction of an affair can have,and it saddens and depresses me to see my H in this state<P>Sadpete,<BR>All the best to you as you go through this crisis.I guess the only consolation is that hopefully these troubled souls will one day(Please God soon)simply wake up from this coma they are in.May God give us the strength and stamina to see this through.

All the insights above make so much sense.Again the common"traits"that betraying spouses share are so spookingly similar,in a way I am so relieved when I read such accounts.My H also said He is "GONE"and is never coming back(ie he is not the same man he was and will never be)He said those EXACT <BR>words as someone elses' H did.He also walks around with a zombied,possessed,defensive, dazed and crazed look about him.He even asks me why am I staring at him???<BR> <BR>Claudia,<BR>I salute anyone for attemting a plan A.It is the most difficult thing I've done in my life.It breaks my heart when I read your description of how things were before.I too miss the "fun.easiness,relaxed times I had with my H.So much time is spent on frozen silences ,doubts,fears and anger as our S's go through this.<P>Genie<BR>I am so encouraged by your post.Time and Patience are also my enemies at the moment.I feel like throwing a bucket of frozen wateron my H 's head to snap him out of the love struck teenage phase he is in.It infuriates and consumes me as well.Last night I went to bed leaving him to watch Tv when I woke up to find he was on the phone (I could tell from the light on the phone in my room)I got SO SO mad.Is his addiction so bad that he is risking talking to her (OW)from Home?I didn't confront him,but needless to say was poker faced this morning and that is why I'm venting here.....<P>I really underestimated the power the addiction of an affair can have,and it saddens and depresses me to see my H in this state<P>Sadpete,<BR>All the best to you as you go through this crisis.I guess the only consolation is that hopefully these troubled souls will one day(Please God soon)simply wake up from this coma they are in.May God give us the strength and stamina to see this through.