The OW works in our local hospital. Well the problem is I was taken there last week by my H to the emergency room and the OW happened to be out smoking a cigarette right next to the ER entrance. She proceeded to go in and talk to the person admitting me and asked that person to give my H a message to contact her ASAP on the floor that she works on. I find this a blatant breach of patient confidentiality and feel I would have no problem in having her terminated from her position. Should I consider this? I know it would probably be a huge LB but my H again told me last night that things are over and he will just have to make me hate him so I realize that. His solution to make me hate him is to go to her house and stay out all night even though they are only friends. <P>I just feel so used by both of them. It was a stupid thing I did that landed me in the hospital and for her to know and comment on how stupid I was etc. makes me very angry and resentful.<P>Thoughts?????

I'd be real careful. I worked in hospitals for over 20 years. In my experience what she did is not a breach of confidentiality. As I understood that term it relates to the release of PATIENT information. Sounds to me like the OW just asked her friend to relay a message to your hubby. Unless you can prove that some patient information was divulged by the ER person, you have a weak case. But hey I am not an attorney. Hell I don't even play one on TV......... Good luck

bc,<P>I know you are hurting. On many levels. You have endured quite a bit. You have friends who are praying for you and your family. We hope healing begins for you very soon.<P>Everyone in your family is impacted by these events. The scope of hurt extends to children, parents, sisters, and brothers. Even though you are the principal person impacted, it unfortunately falls to you also to keep going in a direction that will improve the pain, and sheer fear that many in your family feels. It is ironic that you, the one who has been so very hurt, has to take the lead position on improving the situation. It is one of the great mysteries of the universe! But without your taking concrete steps toward reducing the pain, there will not be much improvement. In fact, you could lead your family into deeper pain. Do you understand what I am saying? It is difficult to comphrend, given your situation. But it is true. Think about this. You do have the ability to lead your family toward happiness.<P>It will come at the cost of you setting aside your needs for a bit. It will cost you your feelings of self-pity (which is so very easy to do in your circumstances). I know it is hard, but if you can set aside your feelings and needs for a while, and lead your family back around toward healing, you will reap many rewards. The happiness you seek will come to you many times over. And for your family as well. Think on this.<P>Your husband is a lost soul at the moment. Always at the phrase "at the moment" anytime you think of anything negative about him (or anything else for that matter). You must be patient, and as calming as you can. Yes! You, a mere human. I know it is very hard. Your husband really needs you right now. He may not say, does not realize, but he does. Rise to the challenge. You can do this.<P>Please order as many books and the workbook as you can from the web site bookstore. Read. Focus on the healing process. Push away your feelings for revenge, for retribution. They will lead you and your family toward destruction. Develope your feelings for healing, for focusing on others who need you. Be proud of this. Focus on others, and be very proud of yourself for doing so. Remind yourself of this for every little thing you do for others. If you pour a glass of milk for someone, tell your self "I am helping them. They need me to do this, and I am doing this for them." Every single thing you do, repeat this to yourself.<P>You need to not only hang in there, you need to lead. Very ironic. But this is life on earth, with many joys that can and will come to you and your family. Read, Read, Read the Harley's books. Please call the telephone counseling center. Explain your situation, finanical and emotional. They will find a way. You will find a way to move from pain toward love.<P>Many prayers are with you and your family everyday.<P>Victoria

bc,<P>I just read the post "What do you make of this?" by Keridwen7. A husband named Guard answered the question. He was the wayward spouse. His answer will help you see the confused state of mind your husband is in. He was there, and now regrets the things he said to his wife, and credits her for leading him home. Please read this post. I believe you will find it helpful and encouraging. Many prayers are with you throughout the day, everyday. Lean on us. Turn your fear over to be handled by God, and focus on your intelligence. You can do this.<P>Victoria

bc,<P>How are you doing? I will be leaving soon. Find strenght from people who are walking toward a new path, which by the way, is down a long, long difficult road!<P>Take care. I check back later today. Victoria

I just tried to reach my H at home and no answer. He didn't come home again last night and most likely was with the OW. I guess he is trying to punish me and make me hate him like he said so that I would realize he doesn't care anymore. How could he be so cruel. When I saw him last night he was already so drunk he could barely stand up and talk straight. He was real cockey. I guess i shouldn't have tried to even talk to him but I told him that for the past six months I have been trying to work on meeting his needs. His response was only that I will never change. I will always be the same. I guess he must be the perfect one.<P>For my own health and sanity, I have made an appointment for next week with my lawyer. My H is only interested in him keeping the house even though he can't afford it and that we don't need to get the lawyers involved we can sit down together and decide. I told him that a divorce is really not what I want and i have no intentions of sitting down to divy things out. Then of course he becomes hostile and says that I will just take him for everything and be mean and nasty because I can't have him back. <P>I guess he is forgetting who went and found a friend. Not that I am throwing that in his face but the pain and hurt caused by that is terrible and both of us would have to compromise not just me.<P>I so want him to realize is first problem is alcohol. I can't remember the last day he went without having at least 1 or 2 beers not to mention the binges that he has gone on recently. I think the majority of the time when he goes to see the OW he is either been drinking, drunk, or passed out until the next day with her. I really don't think they have sober times only maybe on the phone or when the night first starts. Maybe this is just fogging his brain. <P>I am hoping that the realization that he will lose financial stability, home security, and me taking care of the house, bills etc. will bring home the fact that this person really isn't what he thinks she is. Then again maybe he wants an unattractive, overweight, married with two kids type of person.

bc,<P>LIFE is so difficult. Your pain is great. Did you read the post I mentioned. I think (since it is from a Husband who now has recovered) that it will help you gain a prespective on your husband. You are inclined to worry about his relationship with the ow. You know that will never go anywhere. It is simply a temporary thing. Don't focus on it if you can. Have you called the Harley's? Or a professional in your town? Dealing with a acoholic is very hard, from what I have been told. Please seek some outside help. It is there waiting for you. No one should go thru this alone. That is not necessary. Many people will be glad to support you. Take care, and I will say a pray for you and your family. Victoria

bc,<P>How are you doing? I hope your afternoon was somewhat pleasant. hang in there.

bc:<P>How are you doing today? Any better?<P>First of all, I wouldn't contact the hospital. <P>Second, you need to stop trying to take care of your H and start focusing on yourself and your kids.<P>By now, I must sound like a broken record, but you already know what your H's problem is. It is his alcohol addiction.<P>I bet that if he were sober, he wouldn't even be doing the crazy & stupid things that he is doing now.<P>Your H can't even think straight when he is poisoning himself & clouding his mind with all that booze. He isn't even thinking rationally. By now, even if he doesn't have a beer in his hand, he is what they call, "a dry drunk."<P>He's gonna have to hit rock bottom before he realizes that he needs help.<P>Did you get that book that I mentioned before, "Co-dependent No More," by Melodie Beattie? If not, then maybe you might want to pick up a copy. If you haven't gone already, then get yourself to Al-Anon too.<P>Remember...it's now the time to take care of yourself and your kids. Try to detach yourself, okay? Hugs.....

Notrust and Victoria,<P>Thank you for being here and making me feel as though someone does care about me. I have been going to counseling and I am trying very hard to start focusing on ME and not my H. But it is very hard not to think of him and the OW being together.<P>I also realize that alcohol has a lot to do with this affair. Even when he is not drinking he has become so different in his personality etc. I am going to try and get to the book store tomorrow to pick up the book Codependant No more. I have read many others and it does help to see that my H fits many of the characteristics of the fantasy world of an affair.<P>He did come home last night but would only say that he had been around and not actually where he stayed but I can bet I know. The point is that he wasn't home not where he was or who he was with. Again, he was drinking and half drunk when I found him in the local bar. He did ask me to take him home with me so I guess that is a start. <P>I told him this morning that I wanted him to take a long look at himself and our marriage. Look at what it would be like if we divorced and he could spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week with the OW. Would our problems now be any different than problems they would have. I doubt it. I said that six months down the road the bills would have to be paid the house cleaned etc and who would be there for him. I know it might have been a LB but I tried to just tell him what I was thinking and left it at that.<P>I also talked to his sister and she told me that she definately doesn't agree with what he is doing and she told me I should tell him to get out of the house if he can't treat me any better than he is. She knows the OW and actually had her phone number on a recipe she showed me. I asked her if she would tell me why she had the number and she said that she was upset with what was going on and since she knew the OW she was going to call her. Now I know that this is my sister in law and maybe she isn't telling me the truth but she did tell me that if my H isn't happy he should get out of the marriage and not carry on like he has.<P>I feel like my H love bank is closed for good. I try and make deposits but they are rejected. I told him that I am there for him and that I want to meet his needs but he won't let me in. His response is that he is so sorry for everything and he doesn't know how to make it right but that doesn't include trying to work on our marriage. Is this just his guilt coming out and feeling that if he apologizes it will make him feel ok about what he has done? <P>

Hi bc,<P>Anything that you say to your H will go out from one ear, and then out the other ear. Unfortunately, his first love is alcohol. The OW and all the other problems that go along with it are secondary.<P>Even if you explain to him, what he is about to lose, I think he won't realize that fact until it actually happens. He needs to hit rock-bottom. Unfortunately, even some people who hit rock-bottom, don't know what to do/or are in denial of what to do..and they just stay there.<P>I don't know what to think about your sister-in-law having that OW's phone number. In addition, she gave her brother (your H), some lousy advice. Maybe it's best not to confide in her so much. It sounds like she doesn't understand what needs to be done. Plus, the information that you give her, might be turned around in a negative way. She sounds more pro-divorce, rather than pro-marriage. (Hope I didn't offend you by that remark).<P>The book, "Co-dependent No More," is really for you. It isn't a book on how to recover in your marriage or how to change an addicted person. The book is about how to focus on yourself, detach yourself from abusive situations and how to live a full and rewarding life again. Hope you can pick up a copy tomorrow.

NoTrust,<P>You didn't offend me by what you said. I didn't say too much to her but really did want to know why she had the number. She has been married and divorced twice and is currently living with someone. She probably is not wanting to build on marriages or be taken on her advice. She told me to tell him to get out. I am not really sure what she told him. She did say that last night when I came into the bar that he should go home with me and not stay there all night. She also agrees that alcohol is the primary problem and not sure that he will ever change. I told her that it was slowly destroying him and the OW was enabling him to continue to drink. <P>I am meeting with my lawyer next week and my H seems to be very interested in how I am going to proceed. After everything I have been through for my own sanity and safety maybe it is time to move on with the divorce and if my H finally sees the light of day so be it and if not could I really continue like I am with no sign of change. His only worry now is that he wants to keep the house. That he can't afford it doesn't seem to be in his mind but how many brain cells are really still functioning. Why do I feel so like blaming myself for what has happened. I have regrets about things I have done or not done but everyone makes mistakes and I want to learn from mine but he won't even hear it.

bc,<P>Perhaps you can proceed with a legal separation rather than a divorce. I guess you can consider a legal separation sort of a Plan B, with your interests being legally protected.<P>Please do not blame yourself. You are not the one holding a can to your H's mouth and forcing him to drink it. You aren't the one encouraging him to have an affair.<P>The deterioriation of my marriage was a result from my H's alcohol addiction, a move to a different state & environment, financial problems, etc.<P>My H would go out and drink to escape from our problems. If he got out of work at 11pm, he would stay out until 4 in the morning. I grew extremely resentful and the spark in our marriage started to fade away. Love units were being withdrawn from my love bank like cazy. At that time, I didn't accept that the problem was his alcohol addition. I didn't even consider him an alcoholic. It was a growing problem and I kept closing my eyes to it.<P>Over the weekend, I found an old journal page that I wrote. It was dated in 1996 (4 years ago). I wrote about my thoughts (loneliness, abandonment, anger) and that my H was unsupportive, unaffectionate, out drinking all the time, etc.<P>It's no wonder that our marriage was almost ruined.<P>Anyway, I'm rambling. But, I wish I did something long ago (like educationing myself about addictions) and recognizing my H's alcohol problem. Then, I wouldn't have enabled my H's addiction.<P>

NoTrust,<P>Does the book you are talking about get into addictions etc? I know you said it is more about me than about them. I had considered separation and actually asked my H what he thought and he basically thought it might help but wasn't really sure it would change things. The problem is really financial. He is currently not working and on unemployment. It is a struggle to just pay the bills with my paycheck and his unemployment. And of course that makes me the bad person when I have to ask for money to pay the bills and this isn't fair. The bills are both our responsibility and if he feels cheated because he can't go out and spend $20-40 a night in the bars that is just the way it is. He should have thought about that in the summer when he was making really good money but he just spent it as quick as he made it. <P>He also has said that he isn't going to move anywhere some days and then last night he said he should just leave and go somewhere else. He is currently using our garage heavily for working on his race car. Therefore if he left then he wouldn't have this benefit. I really wouldn't care if he used the garage and lived somewhere else. I would think that if he cared so much about the OW he would go there. She is waiting with open arms. Maybe he is afraid of finding out what it would be like with her 24 hours a day seven days a week.<P>Thanks again for your support. I really need it right now.

Hi bc,<P>The book focuses mainly on how to take responsibility for yourself and take care of you. It doesn't really go into addictions.<P>It will give an example of what an addict will say or do....and then how you should react to it.<P>I think it would be a great idea for you to get a copy. I think it will help you.

NoTrust,<P>I just called Barnes and Noble and they put a copy on hold for me to pick up tomorrow. I hope it will help me and see that i am not totally to blame for what is going on. I don't want to enable him anymore. Thanks for the help and support.

Hi bc,<P>I'm glad that you reserved a copy at Barnes & Noble. Before you pick up your reserved copy, go to the Bargain Books section at Barnes & Noble. I recall seeing hardbound copies on clearance. I saw them after I had already purchased my paperback copy. The hardbound copies on clearance were cheaper than the paperback copy. Also, the hardbound copy is a combination of 2 books put together by Melodie Beattie. The book is called "Co-dependent No More/More of Co-Dependent No More."

Yes the hardbound bargain one is the copy they saved for me. It is $8.98. I hope it helps. Anything to make me feel better about things.

bc,<P>I'm glad you'll be able to get the hardbound copy at such a great price. I paid $13.95 for my paperback copy.

Bc, & NT,<P>I am so glad that no trust is helping you, bc. i did not realize that you were dealing with an ahololic. Certianly the first advice I gave you was somewhat off the mark. Do keep focus on yourself and kids. no trust is giving you good advice.