Guard<P>I hope you don't mind but I was directed to your reply to Keridwen 7 (God bless her, that confusion only complicates an already highly complicated situation!)<P>I was trying to find out from those who have gone astray, particularly the men folk, why is it that they did it.<P>My H and I are trying to work through such a thing...again. He asked if anyone at the forum has said why they did it but I don't see too many "confessions" on why but rather the aftermath. <P>I can see with my H a multitude of reasons but he's asking me what the forum has to say so I'm searching for answers. <P>Hoping you can help me out!

If Guard doesn't get your post right away, search under threads from Lonely Mom. I posted a thread to betrayers a few weeks ago and got a lot of wonderful replies, one from Guard as well. It may help you in the meantime. Also, there are a few ladies on the forum who can help share as well. AZHootie is helpful too. Good luck. Dana<BR>

Another post you might want to check out:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000057.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000057.html</A>

Is There Hope? <P>First, in answer to your name: Yes, there is always hope, through Christ Our Lord, God makes all things possible. God wants your marriage. He loves you and your S, and wants nothing more than to see your marriage be loving and fruitful. <P>ITH, This is a very difficult question to answer. Partly because of the pain it keeps triggering in my W who also posts on this board and that I want to be sensitive to her feelings, and partly because I can not fully answer that question to myself. I will try.<P>I know that one answer that Harley subscribes to, is that the wayward spouse looks outside of the marriage to have someone else meet some needs that they fill aren't being met inside of the marriage. Read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "The Five Languages of Love". I can not tell you what needs that I had, were not being met by my wife, because she is the most selfless, kind, beautiful, spirit filled person that I have ever known. Truthfully, to this moment, I can not understand why I did what I did other than this: I gradually fell away from God, and the faith and belief that he would provide for all of my needs, and that he had blessed me with so much beauty in my life, my Wife and my 2 daughters, a successful career, and a great place to live and raise a family. <P>In my family, there is a predisposition for depression. It would be easy for me to say that my affair was all of the fault of my depression that I have suffered from, but then I would not be admiting that I have free will given to me by God. I chose my path. I chose to listen to the lies whispered into my ears, chose all of the wrong people to take counsel from, and chose this path of self destruction. <P>If you ask me what I trully believe, I would say this: that there is a deceiver out there, and he takes pleasure in destroying all that God promises to you, and that he has blessed. <P>Is There Hope, I know that you are searching for answers that will help you to understand why your H did what he did. I guess the only thing that I could say to you is that we are humans given free will by God, but that even though as humans we are weak and will sin, he has placed his son on the cross, so that we may be forgiven, and trully understand his love and mercy.<P>I know that you are hurting right now. Take your pain, and anger and sorrow, and give it to the Lord to deal with. He wants you and your H to lean on him. He wants your marriage to be a thing of beauty in his eyes.<P>Take care, Guard<P>

ITH,<BR>Guard's response about there being a predisposition to depression helps explain why he did what he did. My W suffers from depression and is being treated for it now. I think she is bipolar at a minimum. I have found these disorders have a high incidence of sexual promiscuity to them. I guess it the reckless abandon that the depression triggers. <P>I follow the logic but the overriding factor for me is the fact that it is wrong and hurtful for all [arties including the betrayer.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

Thanks to you both for your replies. My H is actually the one who asked me to inquire. I feel I already know why he did what he did. He's soul searching though and I've encouraged him to join the forum. I hope he does.<P>I agree that falling away from God allows such things as infidelity to occur. It makes perfect sense and I simply don't see how anyone close to God could have this happen to them. <P>I thank you for your honesty. It also points out the fact that sometimes, there simply are no good explanations for why we do what we do and that, of all of them, is perhaps the hardest answer to accept.<P>Guard you mentioned that your wife also posts. Do you read into eachother's threads? I ask because as I said, my H may be posting here and I'm told him I'd give him his privacy so he has the comfort of speaking out about how he feels. I feel there are likely some issues he hasn't been able to share with me just yet and I'm hoping he gets the support here. Have you encountered any difficulties with you andyour wife being involved?<P>Thank you again to you both, Guard and Proffesorg.

IsThereHope,<BR>I'm Guard's wife, I've been on MB since Dec 98. Last year, about this time when Guard had moved home for the 2nd time, I encouraged him to come to MB. I knew he would receive support to work on our marriage. He just began posting this Feb. I don't post or read as much as I used to. I do read Guard's posts when I come across them. I think I know most of what he would post. I don't think he ever realized what detail I went into on the boards and I warned him that there are and have been things in my posts that may hurt him.<P>I'm glad he's come to MB and offering his current perspective. We've been through a lot with 7 separations, including the current one. And even though we have both been through this time period, we have completely different memories, experiences & issues as a result of our feelings and actions throughout these 2 years.<P>And I think Guard got a bit of different repsonse to his first postings than he would have if some of the MB'ers hadn't recognized him (Like I said, my posts were very detailed and he was recognizable without stating who his wife is). Most of us want to support a repentent betrayer, because we hope the next one will be ours...

Lor(Lor)<P>Thank you so much for your thoughts. I haven't been able to familiarize myself yet with you or your H's situation though given what you said here, it sounds like it has been very trying.<P>Given what you said, perhaps you are a good one to ask...I'm debating on whether or not to separate from my H. I look at it not as separating "from" him but rather "for" him. Which is where I draw my strength.<P>My H recently informed me that he feels he has done what he did in part becasue he didn't believe I would divorce him...because I've twice forgiven him...so I would again..and again..and again. <P>I can't help but feel at this point that if we don't separate, no real lesson will have been learned.<P>He won't post at this forum, doesn't look up any info to gain insight to his behavior, completely buries what he has done as his technique for avoidance...and I'm trying to let go which entails, among other things, me letting him do things as he sees fit, making his own mistakes, and suffering the natural consequences of doing so. And yes, he wants to remain with me and the children and make things work.<P>If I leave him I actually have to leave the country. I do not live where I grew up and that is the only place I can go if I leave here. And with school aged children, and about to deliver a baby, I will need to be gone for about 4 months with no real chance to end the separation sooner if it could be justified.<P>I really don't know what to expect with a separation and to be quite honest, reading that you've been through quite a few already, I wonder if I should even go ahead with it. Not that it does't have it's pros and cons, I know it will, but never having done it before, I'm really not sure what to expect for me or if it will have any effect on him. <P>So any thoughts you might have about such a "technique" would really be appreciated. I admire your courage and strength to do this so many times. I 've not done it even once though I should have long before now and I'm finding it extrememly difficult. I wish I had an ounce of your courage.<P>Best of luck to you both and I thank you both for posting to me!<P>

I've never wanted any of the separations so I'm not a good one to ask about initiating a separation. It does make it more difficult to work on the marriage, but there is a lot less tension in the household...at least for me...once I've gotten used to being alone with the kids.