How do you know if wayward spouse's affair really is over? OW's birthday is about this time and I am having anxiety about it. It triggers last year's memory when I found out he bought her a birthday present.<P>Anyone's input is appreciated.

I would suggest that you explain your feelings to your husband and ask him if he would give you an itinerary for that day, so that you can be aware of what he is doing. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John

NoTrust,<P> I agree with IsIt2Late. I think if you expressed your concerns to your H, that he would have no reservations being accountable for that day, or for any day, for that matter.<P>I think that Harley has some information in one of his columns, or in one of his books on how to affair proof your marriage. Might be applicable to you and your concerns.<P>Guard

NoTrust<BR>I have to share something with you that happened a couple of days ago.<P>My H said he was going to a plant about an hour and a half from here. He left at noon. <BR>at 3:00 I went to pick up my son at school. H's truck was in the lounge parking lot. So was the truck of the only friend of bimbo that lives in town. I freaked out.<BR>I went home and called him on his cell and said "This time you better be prepared to tell me the truth"<BR>He came straight home but had no idea what I was talking about. I told him I knew he didn't go to the plant. He said "Of course I didn't...Oops I didn't call and tell you did I?" Then he proceeded to tell me where he was and who he was with. It all added up to what I had seen but there was no bimbo involved.<BR>The point is that I don't "know" that it is over. Too much water under the bridge for me to trust blindly. But if he had simply called me when his plans changed I wouldn't have had to relive that terror.<BR>The others are right. Your H has to continue to show you it is over. He may have to do it for a long time. Each time that he proves trustworthy is a step in the right direction. I don't think that you and I will have a monumental moment where everything is suddenly right. <BR>Patience and time!!! I'm right with you girl!<BR>

Isit2late & Guard: Thanks for responding. I discussed my feelings with my H and he said that he didn't even realize that it was OW's b-day, and that he didn't care. So far, so good. I just hate those darned triggers!<P>Wassi: I've missed you! Yes, we seem to be processing this in a similar time-frame. I can definitely relate to your story. I have had those similar situations where because of my doubts, I would always assume the worst. Then those ugly anxiety attacks begin!<P>I asked my H, why should I even trust him? He replied, "You shouldn't. I understand why you don't. I'll just have to keep proving it to you until you do."<P>So, I got a good answer there. Now, it's just up to me to learn how to give in a little more. It is so scary to make myself vulnerable again and put my guard down.<P>But, just like your H, my H also needs to make a better effort of always calling when a plan changes.

When my H came back in Dec. I knew it would be touch and go for a long time with me trusting him. He was very upset that I had caller ID installed and it shows his workplace so I knew if he really was at work. I thought he might be upset just because he doesn't like to waste money and I explained to him I just needed for awhile. Well to make a long story short OW was contacting him all along and he lied to me. He always had a good story. He would say he was out Christmas shopping or with his Dad. I know he spent the time with his Dad, but the fact that he lied to me and saw OW completly undermined us fixing our marriage. After all I have been through (this is 3rd discovery) I did not find out until last Sunday and that was by accident since he left his pager at home. He left me this past Tuesday to go back to her because she gave him an ultimatum. I truly believed him when he said that ow was out of his life. I was starting to get high hopes of our marriage surviving. If he comes back to me I will never know, but I have learned from my mistakes and will need to keep an extra close eye on things the next time. I guess I could say that maybe I was afraid to pressure him to much about his whereabouts in fears that it would lead him back to OW. Has anyone experienced this?<P>Thanks and good luck to all.<BR>Pam

Pinky, I'm so sorry that your H went back to OW. After all the hard effort and work into restoring your marriage, I can totally relate as to why you feel that recovery has been undermined.<P>I feel exactly the same way. My H's affair ended Feb. 1999. There was no contact with this OW for 9 months. Then, out of the blue (at end of November), she contacts him via e-mailing him at work (she got his e-mail address from her cousin).<P>He responded to her e-mail from our home. He forwarded her jokes. I found it immediately.<P>I couldn't understand how after 9 months of her out of the picture, and us recovering, could he do this to us again??!! I was/am pissed off about it.<P>I told him that it feels like all the hard work was in vain. He assures me that it isn't...but the question is, "Why risk your marriage again...just to respond to the stupid bimbo's e-mail? How in the hell is that worth it?"<P>Who knows if I will be able to trust my H again. I had begun to trust him again, but after that incident, I feel back at square one again. I don't trust him.<P>Everytime he is late or changes his plan without letting me know....I always get an anxiety attack and think that he is with her again!<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited March 05, 2000).]