First for those who haven't followed the saga the past few days. <P>My first post: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001151.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001151.html</A> <P>Cat's reponse: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001154.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001154.html</A> <P>Cat's post to agree to no contact <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001212.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001212.html</A> <P>Now my response follows. Have fun folks. <P><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Here goes nothing.<P>Cat,<P>You are right, you do need to find yourself. I don’t want to be married to the Cat I have seen emerge the past few months. She is mean, bitter, full of contempt, hate, resentment, and pain. All which seems directed at me. If that is the real Cat, then we would be much better of divorced. Sorry, you’re not my type. &#61514;<P>The old Cat was loving (most of the time) fulfilled my needs, was bubbly, energetic, a terrific wife and mother, an incredible lover, in short, everything my heart desired. I want her back.<P>As far as the real Cat, I don’t know her yet, but I can’t wait to meet her. Will she be the woman of my dreams, fulfilling all of my hopes and desires, and open enough to let me do the same for her, or will it be someone I’m not compatible with and someone I don’t want to be married to. Only time will tell so I will give you the time you need to find you.<P>Here is my plan. I will give you the space you need. I will continue the Prozac and my personal counseling. I will try to meet my needs myself, with limited involvement from the outside world. I will continue to work on me and try to become all that I dream I can be. Cat, you don’t know me anymore either. I think you like what you see of me so far, but you’re scared that it isn’t permanent and I understand that fear. So I will continue to develop myself and try to find the real Allen, the one that you can look in his eyes and tell him you want to love him for the rest of your life.<P>Ground rules for my continued sanity: If these are construed as demands, I’m sorry but I have to do this.<BR>No contact is a must for me, but I do understand if you are weak. But I have to have some absolutes or I will go crazy. <BR>Any physical contact or phone contact initiated by you from this day forward may as well spell the end of the marriage. I cannot accept it and will not accept it for my own dignity and self-respect. <BR>Any physical contact or phone contact initiated by the OM MUST be reported to me as well as all details regarding the contact.<BR>If you are seriously tempted to contact OM in any manner, please call or eme. I will be your support system through this if you will let me.<BR>If you cannot get to me in time, please choose the email route only, and copy me on the message, not blind copy either so OM knows that I know. I would also expect forwarded copies of any replies from him.<P>I will do a modified Plan A/Plan B. I will let you initiate all contact between us as husband and wife, be it email, phone, dates, cards etc and I will Plan A my heart out whenever you give me the opportunity. I will not pursue you. You need to do this alone and you need to see if I am who you want to be with. As far as the kids, our financial life, or other matters, we will operate on the status quo.<P>These are just my thoughts on the matter and if you want, we can talk more in depth about them and maybe set up POJA’s regarding our current commitments to each other.<P>Cat, I loved the old you, the current you I’m not so fond of, and the future you? Well, that remains to be seen. I hope I do and I hope you love the real me, not for the kids, or our history, or anything else, but for the man that I am. We can do this together and even if it doesn’t work out, we will be great friends the rest of our lives and that we can do for the kids’ sakes.<P>All my love,<BR>Allen<BR><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Cat's offer and your requests are pretty darn close, guys...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So here is what I can offer you at this point: I will stop contact.<P>I will tell you if I have contact.<P>I will tell you when I am seriously tempted to have contact.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There is obviously a lot of caring and love in your response, Allen. There's also a tone of demand, when she's already made a very similar offer. Don't get hung up on "controlling" this...work together! Keeping my fingers crossed for you huys...<BR>Kathi

SparkyDog,<P>I like Kam6318's suggestion. Instead of the first three or so of your bullets. Just accept Cat's offer. She made it and she is very likely committed it.<P>You suggestions about emailing and talking when she feels the need seem to me well thought out and hopeful. I do think the offer of a Plan A/Plan B seems reasonable, but you know what why not call S. Harley and see if he has some suggestions?<P>I realize you don't like the current Cat much. And she does need to understand that you loved the old Cat. Therefore there is some concern about the new Cat. Is she going to be a Moth or a Butterfly? She needs to understand that is why you are concerned.<P>Sparky, it seems to me you have a chance. The trick will be for the pain and hurt not to get in the way of the objective. This is true for both of you. I would offer one last suggestion. It would appear that your actions in the marriage have not met with her approval and hers have not with you. <P>Please try to remember that you two need to come to realization that forgiveness is going to have to go both ways here. If you can come to forgive her and she can come to forgive you, then your marriage has a very good chance.<P>Good Luck to both of you and<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Thanks Kathi,<P>I realize we're close in our "demands/offers" but I think this let's her know where I stand. I realize I can't control Cat or any other person for that matter, nor do I want to. I can only control how I react to certain situations. I just need to tell her what I can and can't deal with right now in the "not quite recovery" phase of this.<P>Better cross some fingers, toes, or anything else you can think of. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

<BR>Allen (& Cat),<P>You're on the same page, and frankly, I think you're in the same paragraph. This is very good. <P>Let's see...Cat offered to "go first" and went to a plan of no contact, but she wants room to "find herself." You countered by offering her that room, and insisting on no contact (something to which she already agreed). Allen, did you agree to drop the online affair stuff? Its implied in your post, but stating it explicitly would clear matters.<P>You know what I think? I think you two love each other a lot, you're just both in a lot of pain right now. Sometimes, I get this feeling in my gut that a marriage is going to make it. This is one of those times.<P>Bystander<P><BR>

SparkyDog,<P>I know this weekend is going to be hell in certain ways and yet filled with almost unbearable hope. I would like you to read a thread going on in the Why Women Leave Men portion of this site. <P>I am going to try to give you the URL. Here goes <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000204-3.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000204-3.html</A> . <P>The reason I want you to read it is the very last post by Francis. Actually the whole thread is of interest to you. I suspect it might give you some idea what Cat is going through and I think it might give you some hope as well.<P>Have a look at and see what you think.<P>Good luck to you and Cat,<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Umm.... nevermind <P> [img]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif[/img]<P><BR>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited March 03, 2000).]

What now, she had contact, I had to find out from her a day later. Either she didn't read my post or she doesn't care. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

gosh, Allen......tough weekend for both of us! Tomorrow is another day. I thought she was going to tell you PRIOR to making contact with the OM????? *confused*<P>Kinda makes me feel good that I was able to resist the temptation to fly off to BWI even though I had the reservations booked and my kids taken care of! *patting self on back* Having said that, I only need .5 hours to check in, I could still pull it off! JUST KIDDING!!!<P>Thanks for all of your supportive posts. I notice you are very helpful to darn near all posters here. That's very nice of you to take the time to do that when you are obviously going through so much yourself. <P>My prayers will be with you tonight.... hopefully He's still listening to me even though my prayer life has been less than stellar these months during my affair!!!!<P>Good night and God Bless!<P>Hootie

<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Caterpillar (edited March 06, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Caterpillar (edited March 20, 2000).]