I'm sure this may have been addressed before, but maybe some of you can answer this.<P>Why after 28 years of marriage, does a husband show signs that his wife does no longer matter to him anymore? I can understand why maybe a man strayed and had an affair. But then how can he act so callous and cold? This is the part I'm having a hard time with.<P>My marriage will be coming to an end very soon at his request. He has said that he will always care for me. But in the two years we've been separated, he has not called to see how I'm doing. He will ask how I am when he wants or needs something. But only then. <P>I had asked for his help with repairs here a couple of times, but he was always too busy. I had hoped that his affair would end by now. There are signs that it may have cooled. I manage to drive by her place every night and see that only her vehicles are there. It seems that if they were so in love, he would be there.<P>He is pushing for the divorce. We've had 3 sessions with a mediator. I had put far more money in my retirment funds and apparently I was supposed to pay him the difference. I was not too happy about this and told him and the mediator that under the circumstances, I didn't feel that I should have to give up my retirement funds. Maybe he did put funds into the savings which we share. But it was his choice to cheat and damage the marriage.<P>After all, I'm in my late fifties and have had to make some sacrifices since he wants out of the marriage. Of course I want to hear some day from him that he made a huge mistake. I may never see that time.<P>A friend of mine says that she believes that he is the type who will want to live by himself. Again I don't think I could ever want him again. But I will be at peace knowing that he knows he made a mistake.<P>I would appreciate any responses to this.<P>

I'm not a man nor have I been married that long but given noone has given a crack at this yet, I thought I'd try. <P>It seems to me, based on what you wrote and my own experiences, that the callous and cold comes in part from them feeling ashamed of what they did. My H claims to still want me and even acts this way. Again, I think it is shame.<P>I cannot even imagine how painful and difficult this must be for you after 28 years of marriage. Given how long I've been with my H, 17 years, I would wonder if the similarities of what caused our problems is perhaps the same in your marriage...he has something he is unhappy about, has yet to open up about it, and ended up finding some sort of refuge elsewhere. Grant you, mine got caught and came back to me and is now willing to work on it but the point is, if this feeling of not being able to find happiness at home is let go for too long, perhaps through no fault of yours and only his fault for not speaking up, I would imagine it could take him to the point of no return.<P>And again, there must be an amount of shame and guilt to go along with this. Not only as an adulterer but simply as a man who was married 28 years now leaving his wife...surely it's not something he can be proud of. And I know with my H, when he's not proud and is feeling ashamed, I often get the brunt of it. Even though it's his mistake and he's already hurt me enough.<P>I hope this helps somehow!

Martha, I too have been married 28 years 8 months and 2 days. I know how you feel, and have some words for you MID_LIFECRISIS! Look up mid-life demensions, Jim and Sally Conway.<BR>My H also said it was me, the marriage, the state, his job, the kids, even the dog(or in our case the cats). He said all along this was really about him, and it really is. He thinks by changing everything in his life he will be "Happy" maybe he will, I don't know.<BR>Except I can't imagine living alone, in another state, no contact with kids is what will make him "Happy". <BR>I have started plan B, to protect myself, becasuse whenever I spoke with him, the pain of all he's done and continues to do is unbearable. Would I take him back? Yes if he returned as the loving husband and father he was, not the person he's become. I would never have married that kind of a man. <BR>This is really about him, and I must go on and try to rebuild a new life without him for my sake and our children(one still living at home), not the life I've chosen, but the one I must now deal with. <BR>I filed for a D, to protect myself and our youngest. H wants it still, I guess to see if that too will make him happy. <BR>Happiness is within and I know if you can't be happy with yourself, how can you be happy with others. <BR>Do you really believe that your H was unhappy all those years? Proably not, hold that in your heart, It's just a way for them to justify their leaving, or cheating, or lying or whatever.<BR>Will my H ever return, I don't think so...I can't hold on to that "dream" because it's too painful...My life now, is to make the best of whatever time God allows me to stay on this earth and be HERE for my children. They need me more than ever since my H left not only me but THEM too....<BR>

Hey, I've been married for 19 and 13 ago had A w 3 and she 9mo ago. I left 3 times and come back and on last time fell into 4th. Yes anger,resentment,frustration,distrust,callouseness all make us ugly and wrong. An affair is never right and no excuses please! We want to be loved and can find it again and again as people get lonely. Making a relationship is something more mature and takes work and some just are too foolish to make the effort. I think you can't change them only how to react. Your $ is yours and an evil heart will try to take. I hope life is teating you good today! I'ts raining here and wish all our troubles would wash away too. May God be with you and give you peace.

Hi, not a man either just a betrayed wife. Check out a post that I posed this question to in January. Guard replied and gave some good insight. There is also a good post by Genie a few days ago.<P>I agree, mid life crisis is some of it. Some of it, is some men are just selfish and theres no other way around it. THey think they are something special because someone else shows an interest in them. If its an older man and a younger woman, the younger woman usually makes him feel young again. Plus she has this wonderful carefree image. We would all be sexy if we weren't pregnant, raising kids , slaving in the kitchen, doing laundry and etc. <P>They are callous and cold because they are not thinking of anyone but themselves. Plus, if they make us hate them, its easier on their conscience. I believe what comes around goes around, and I hope I am there to see my H when his perfect world falls apart.<P>Dana<BR>PS Prayers go out to you, and I agree, about the retirement, you wanted to save for the future, but he chose other options. Unfortunately, the court does not penalize the adulterer for poor judgement either, which might deter some people somewhere down the road. Unfortunately you sound like you are stuck in a bad place right now. Good luck<BR>

Sorry, I am a day late. I am not a man. My H has a A for about two years.<P>He told me that he did not want to burden me with the problems he was facing. so he found someon to tell his problems to. Grant it I told him my problems.<P>My H was being selfish. No other word for it. The he did not tell me about the A because he was scare about what I would do. So he hide it. <P>I told him that when the A started He should have been man enough to tell me and let me decide right then want I wanted to do. <P>Which again he was making decisions for me, without me knowing.<BR>------------------------------------------------<BR>I will pray for you, my H and all of the other H's and W's that have betrayed a love one.<P>ITS