Someone suggested that I post this here instead. Forgive me if this a repeat for you.<P>-------------<P>My wife and I have been struggling for many years. I've always wanted more and given more (in most aspects of the relationship). Finally 3 years ago, I moved out, hoping it would capture her attention. She only got angrier and more distant. Then I met someone, fell in love, but, fearing for my kids, I moved back and tried to make it work. I admitted the relationship with her, but instead of understanding (and being willing to work on) the climate that led my moving out and the affair, I felt like she beat me up for most of the next year (there is too much to share for one little email).<P>Now, we're between a rock and a hard place. She's told me, "if you don't believe I can satisfy you, if I'm unacceptable to you, then go find your dream girl out there." I've told her, "If you can't move towards me in ways that communicate love to me, then I'll be forced to look elsewhere and move on."<P>I tried to do it end of last year again -- filed and everything. But then she told<BR>me she had seen a lawyer who had told her that because she was a stay-at-home mom, she would get FULL rights to the kids and I'd be relegated to an every other weekend dad. That would feel like death to me (and not fair for the kids too, I need to add).<P>Now we're at a point where I'm willing to engage again (focus on doing everything I can to meet her needs and stay away from the love busters) if she's willing to go for it herself. But she wants my unconditional commitment first (with the understanding that she will NOT do everything it takes, but she can do more). I've been unwilling to commit without knowing what I'm committing to. The way I feel I've been treated isn't something I'm attracted to staying with for the rest of my life. It's very scarey. I feel so lonely and alone so often. I've been sleeping in my basement for the past 7 months. I just love my kids and don't want to hurt them, but this can't last forever.<P>Any thoughts? I know there's so much more I could share, but I don't want to dominate or take too much of your time.<P>Thanks,<P>...HRH...<P>P.S. I've read through 2 of Dr. Harley's books (we both read Give or Take and gone through this material twice) and have gone to 6 different counselors in the last 4 years.

Why don't you try a plan A, and see if it changes your wife's behavior. <P>Marriage is about commitment, it isn't about happiness. Happiness or unhappiness is directly related to the effort put in your marriage. They are two different issues.<P>I can understand your wife's position very well. You have betrayed her, and you only came back because you didn't want to lose more. I'm surprised that she hasn't gone ahead with the divorce on her own.<P>Quit looking for what you are going to gain, and start filling up her lovebank. Determine if your behavior is affecting her behavior.<P>TNT

Also - a couple of questions. <P>(the only thing you can change is you....)<P>Are you a conflict avoider?<P>Do you tell your wife and others what they want to hear? Do you send mixed messages? Do you lead people to believe one way, but you really feel another? And then get to feeling pressured and upset when people assume you fit into this little box they made?<P>I would guess that you and your wife could really use some help communicating without fighting. Do you both take time outs? Do you hear how she feels? <P>I'm not trying to beat you up, here. Really, you will get lots of support. Just needed to ask these questions.<P>TNT

Thanks for the response.<P>I am not at all a conflict avoider. In fact, whenever there was a perceived problem in the relationship (from her side or mine) I would invariably be the one to bring it up to talk it through.<P>In general, I am VERY honest with my emotions and what I'm going through and what I need (and what I am willing to give). After going through this for so long, and her feeling "forced" or "pressured" or "demanded on", I've softened my message to the point that these days I sometimes tell her things she wants to hear. The main need she has shared is that I wouldn't always share my need(s)! So in a way, my doing this is a way of giving back to her. My living downstairs and not demanding to come back in the bedroom is also a "gift". We've been trying to communicate for a long time. Bottom line is she's unwilling to really invest in doing everything it takes to meet my emotional needs, even if I am towards her. She wants me to be willing to accept less and communicate unconditional commitment to her, regardless of what she is able or willing to do.<P>As far as communication goes, I agree totally with your concept of "time outs" as long as the person needing the time out is willing to commit to coming back to continue talking at a later point in time (within a reasonable timeframe). She avoids coming back, however, because she knows we're going to hit the wall of unresolution again, and both of us don't know how to get beyond that.<P>As far as hearing what she says, I do hear it, and can repeat it back (as she can with me), but it generally just stays there, because what she needs from me ("don't talk to me about it, go to God, not me -- leave it alone, just accept me unconditionally") is antithetical to what I need from her ("talk to me", "let's work on this", "What can I do to serve you so that you feel freed up to ..." "I'm struggling" "I'm feeling lonely and alone", "How can we move forward? Both of us? together?").<P>Don't worry about beating me up. I'm kinda used to it... :-)<P>...D...

Have you ever heard of the process of elimination?<P>okay.... <P>Your wife is "deferring" responsibility to communicate and be a complete partner, because of her belief that God will work things out...<P>Is it possible that your wife feels that she is so frustrated, and that she is "standing" in God's way - when she communicates with you, and perhaps this is why she has decided to back off, and give it to God?<P>If she is doing this - then maybe she is thinking this is what you should do....<P>I'm not suggesting that, but - it is possible that this is going on in her head.<P>

My wife has communicated that God will work things out, but she'll be fine whether He works it out with us together or with us separate, removing any impetus to her trying again. It puts the weight of responsbility of our relationship firmly on my shoulders (accept who I am and what I'm doing or just move on -- it's up to you, but if you move on, you'll be sorry!!!).<P>I am frustrated when people use God as an excuse not to give their best. I've never liked "Let go and let God" -- but rather, "Trust God and get going!"<P>BTW, I'm not quite sure what you're asking me to do. <P>Thanks,<P>...D...