Hi everyone. I haven’t been posting lately because of a lot of confusion around home. Sorry to say this update isn’t a positive one. My husband and I have slid back into the mudpit. Actually, we’ve slid a lot further than that. Before we were at least cordial to each other, now we literally no longer speak. The other day I phoned to say I would be home late – that was the first time in over 2 weeks that we’ve exchanged a word. <P>On Saturday I got some devastating news. My young sister has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. She has a husband and two kids. According to the doctors, there is no feasible cure – treatment will be for quality of life and it will be very soon. This has come out of the blue. To say the least, the whole family is shocked. <P>Because we weren’t speaking, I didn’t tell H with news on Saturday night. Basically because I had a pretty good idea of how he would react, and it wasn’t what I could handle at that time. I had a feeling (based on how he usually acts when he’s angry with me) that he wouldn’t be sympathetic and I just couldn’t handle it if he was cold and callous when I told him. This sounds corny, but in spite of our present animosity, all I wanted was for someone to hug me and tell me it would be ok (I guess I needed a mommy). I was afraid if I did tell him and he rebuffed me I would fall apart. I guess I felt that as long as I didn’t test it, I could always pretend that when I did tell him he would be caring and compassionate. I know, sounds nuts.<P>Last night I told him and a major fight erupted. He started asking questions and I got choked up and went into the bathroom for a minute. When I came back he was watching tv and happily munching popcorn, and the conversation was over. Later, when I brought it up again, he got mad and said I was playing mind games – since I didn’t tell him the night before, he didn’t care what I did. I said that I was planning on visiting my sister next weekend, so he might plan not to work (so he could stay with our kids). He answered that I could visit her if I wanted to, but he would damn well work whenever he wanted. I accused him of being cold and distant and had no compassion. I broke down and started crying, at which point he got the “thoroughly disgusted” look on his face and said “It’s always about you isn’t it”. Well, gee, if his sister was dying then I would be more concerned about his feelings right now. He never once said he was sorry to hear the news, was there anything he could do, or suggested either of us doing anything for her or her family. He just sat there flipping channels with a contemptuous look on his face, like he thought I was bothering him with my petty problems. <P>I’ve been his wife for over 20 years, and this is his sister-in-law, and he doesn’t give a ***damn! We could have been talking about a bloody goldfish for all he cares. I went to bed and slept pretty badly, with lots of weird dreams. At one point I thought I heard him come back into the bedroom before leaving for work and kiss my forehead. When I woke up I thought maybe he realized how upset I was and I felt a bit better all day. I kept wondering if it was a dream or it really did happen. Anyhow, when he got home from work tonight, I realized nope, definitely a dream. <P>I’m sorry folks, but I think I’m outta here. It’s fine to be all lovey-dovey when things are going well, but the real test is how they stand by you in the tough times. As angry as I am with him, I know without a doubt that if the situation were reversed, I would never have treated him this way. <P>So, what I’ve learned this weekend … good people don’t always get a fair deal in life. Sometimes God takes an active part in tearing families apart. I’d rather have an enemy I can turn to in times of need than a friend who would turn away from me. I will get through this by myself but right now I would sell my soul for a pair of arms around me. And hopefully, tomorrow will be better. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by moira2 (edited March 06, 2000).]

Moira-<P>I just wanted to say that if I could give you a real life hug you would get a big one. I am so sorry to hear the bad news.<P>Stay strong!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{MOIRA}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>That's the best I can do from here. I will pray for you and your family.

miora,<P>I am sorry for your news about your sister. I know you are devastated about it. However, before you throw your marriage away please consider somethings.<P>You justified why you did not tell your H, but you were playing games with him. Deciding for him what his response would be, before he had a chance to respond. I will tell you this, my marriage is nowhere near the state yours is in but if my W played mental games with me about life and death of a family member I WOULD BE VERY HOT. "I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't care." How cold is that?<P>It would say to me that she thought playing games was more important then the situation of her relative. How could I take her seriously. I would not be very proud of my response but I suspect that I might have responded as your H did.<P>miora2, I am not trying to make your feel worse. You are losing a sister and a marriage from the sounds of it, but it bugs me when people play games and then get mad when the person they played games on is mad about it. Does that make any sense?<P>If you want or need your H's comfort in this difficult time, then quit behaving like a child. It seems from the no conversation aspect of your relationship, that you both may need to think about this some.<P>If I were you I would apologize to your H about prejudging him and playing games with him. Tell him that you are very shaken about your sister's situation and could surely use his help. That is a much better approach than "telling" him want he will do and not do in response to a situation you played with him on.<P>Is this making any sense to you? I hope so.<P>God Bless You, Your H, and Your sister and family,<P>JL

JL, I didn’t tell him Saturday night. I didn't see him all day Sunday. When he came home, I sent the kids upstairs and told him then. I didn't attack him - in fact, I told him that I had been on the phone all day with family members (the truth) and this is what I knew so far.<P>I waited because I was AFRAID of his reaction. You have to know that in the past, he has walked out during every crisis. During my father’s death, he yelled at me the whole way to the hospital because they called us at 1:30 a.m. When I had open-chest surgery, his last words were “I hope you’ve paid the life insurance this month.” Last year I had a miscarriage and started bleeding internally. I was in incredible pain and he brought me a cloth, I snapped at him when he was putting it on me (I know it was wrong, and I didn't mean it but I was in alot of pain) and he turned and walked out of the room and went to bed, leaving me bleeding on the bathroom floor for over an hour. I was rushed to the hospital. Later, he showed up with a bouquet of flowers.<P>Afterwards (within a couple days) he is always very sorry for his actions, but during the time … <P>After 20 years, I pretty much knew what his reaction would be. Maybe I was wrong, but then again, he also must have known something was up, as he answered the phone and my mother was sobbing on the other end. My "oh my Gods" and me crying might have told him something was up. He must have noticed, he put up the volume on the tv.<P>Ok, he wants to be pissed at me, fine. What about her?? What about a call to her? Or her husband? Or kids? He is her son's godfather. <P>As for not speaking - last time we spoke I was called a f***ing b**** for asking why he was yelling at one of the kids. I was told it was none of my business, to shut up and keep away from him. I was told to stop following him from room to room, just stay away from him. When I come into a room, he leaves. He says he wants to get away from me. He doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to look at me, doesn't want to be in the same room. <P>Look at the length of my posts- does it sound like I'm a person who doesn't talk???? Trust me, this silence is not my idea. I can carry on a meaningful conversation with a gatepost. <P>I'm so damn tired of getting the excuses as to why he's being a jerk! It's always my fault, if I did this, or didn't do that, then of course his actions would have been perfect! I can't win, because he can act anyway he wants and there's always going to be something that I've done that he can point to that explains his actions. <P>

Moira,<P>I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I'll keep you and your sister in my prayers!<BR>

FA: Thank you for your kind words. They mean alot more than you know. I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. I don't think I am a very strong person, but I'm trying to stay upbeat or at least pretend to be. My mother is devastated, my kids know and they talk to my sisters kids so I don't want them to see me upset. <P>Again, thank you for your kindness. <P>

Moira<P>Sorry to here about your sister <P>I can relate to your situation, going through alot of the same things. Not much talking or seeing each other. My H also said my family never stood by us, doesn't like my sisters, my mother and brought up other problems from the past. Sure sad when you're married to someone so long and that's all the compassion they have, we've been married almost 25 years. I've pretty sick of everything right now, cried till I can't anymore, would love to see it work out, but don't have much hope.<P>At least you have the kids, my H said we stayed together all those years for the kids, whatever! Now that they are grown he wants to have a little fun, guess that's what I need to do!!!! When he confessed affair said I deserved better than him, thinking that's probably true, but I still love the jerk. What we don't do for love.<BR>Take care and my best to your sister.<P>Aloha<BR>Cheryl